I tried to write, I really did....

I have spent the last several mintues sitting here writing. I keep starting a blog, then stopping. I think I have four new drafts, that I will eventually delete. There is so much to write about, and yet nothing seems to be coming out right. I think for now I will just post some cute pics of our summer so far and leave it at that. I can't believe we are halfway through the summer already. Not cool....it's gone by so fast I can't hardly believe it. I swear we are still sitting around waiting for our tenth baby to be born, and yet here she is almost a year old. It goes by so fast. Yesterday on our way to church I watched my older kids walk ahead of me. I am so still involved with my little kids, diapers, bottles and potty training, that it seems this time in my life will never end. But I know it will because after trying to push the stroller while Skyler pitched a fit next to it, I glanced up to see four of my older daughters walking up ahead. They are so tall, so grown up. Kenna will be twenty this year, Megan is fifteen, Abby is twelve and Lacie eleveen. I can hardly believe it as I write it. They were once so tiny, so little. I remember when Lacie was born and I thought how old Kenna was at the time. She was a whopping 9 years old. What did I know? Time has flown by, and continues to do so. My kids are growing up fast, and summer is half way done. Soon it will be cool enough for jackets in the mornings, as my kids scrounge around for backpacks, lunch money and homework. Soon I will have 8 of my 10 kids in school all day, and one of those 8 will be on her second year of college. Wow!

I have it all!

The last time I wrote, it was over my ever-deepening feelings towards my biological mom, Sue. I know not everyone knows the story behind Sue, how she came into my life after 26 years of being apart, and why we never got to know each other. One of these first days I will write about it. I am sort of waiting on that one though because I have bigger plans for that one. A lot of my writing about Sue is about how much I love her and how much I ache for how things happened. But today I chose to write about all the wonderful, positive things I got out of that, and have otherwise.

I can write about my kids till the cows come home. Jon and I and our experiences trying and trying some more to raise ten kids. Our conversations verge on funny on any given day. We have such precious little time to discuss our kids, and even less time to spend together with them, that when we catch five minutes to update each other it is ridiculous...

"So today Joe did something really surprising. He was upset over something and I had to punish him, by sending him to his room..."
"Uh oh, what happened this time?"
"Well, it was over Isaac and his friends not being nice, and uh, oh yeah..he has a camp out this weekend..."
"Joe does? Isn't he a little young?"
"No, Isaac does. He goes Friday to Saturday.."
"Friday we are going to see a movie though.."
"You and Isaac are? I didn't know that!"
"No Julie, you and I are..."
"Oh, right. Kenna won't be home to sit though."
"That's ok, we won't need it cause Abby will be here..."

And so on. One thing melts into another because we only have 10 minutes to discuss ten kids and all their goings on....

Wow, sidetracked! Back to my good stuff. Susie is my biological mom. Frances is my adopted mom. I have it all when it comes to both of them. Sue is a lot like me, or so I am told. One day when talking to my sister Lisa she was surprised to see me sitting there eating Jr Mints and drinking Dr Pepper. She told me that's what mom always loved to snack on. That warmed my heart. Frances and I are also a lot a like. We can talk until the crack of dawn and have more to talk about the very next day. The Lord saw fit to give me not only one awesome mother, but two. They each have a special place in my heart and the more I get to know Sue through my sisters the happier I am that I get at least that. She gave me so much without knowing she was even doing it. These last years with my sisters have been so wonderful. My heart is so full when I think of all three of them, each with their own sweet way of showing me how they too have come to love me. Lisa shares Maddie with us every summer. This sweet niece loves us, and we adore her. Her other daughter Taylor knows I will hang up the phone on her if she doesn't answer the phone to me with a "Love you" before we even say hello. These girls mean the world to me. Time spent with Lisa and her family is what we consider vacation. We will spend our savings, Jon takes time off work and we go down to Vegas, not for the strip, not for shows or casinos, but for my sisters and their families. Tracy and Chris always welcome us with open arms, awesome guacamole and my awesome nephew Carson. That kid is going to be a pro golfer and I can't wait until he waves to us on tv. He better mention us by name! Then there's Lori. My blab buddy, my friend, my confidant and my therapist. I think I would have gone insane this last year without her. My adopted mom has given me so much as well. I probably should mention my dad too...:) My sister Kara, brothers Mark and Mike and all their awesome kids. We spend every holiday together, laughing, talking about kids, time as kids and arguing over who gets the parents when they can't take care of themselves anymore. I think I have a leg up though cause I don't work outside the home....so ha!

My life is full of wonderful things, and amazing people. Susie gave me a future with her before she died through my sisters. I think she would love knowing we are together now. I think she smiles down from Heaven loving the fact that we are loving each other. Like Lisa would say, "It's all good!". It is all good, I got the best growing up with Kara, Mark and Mike, and now I have even more being able to add Lori, Lisa and Tracy. I do have it all. Oh my, the next post is going to have to be about all the wonderful people in my life that aren't blood related! Wow...that might a long one too! Life is never easy, but it's good and God is good. He saw fit to give me the very best family he could. A family He knew would love me, and I them.  I am tired, broke and worn out, but I have an amazing support network, fun people to share my life with and the best siblings and parents a person could ask for. I am and will ever be grateful!

My sisters Lori, Lisa and I with a dear family friend Lenny

Me and my little sister Tracy and cute Carson

Me, Michael, Mark and Kara This is an older pic, and I admit I am not quite so thin anymore, but I love this picture of us. :)

I get it!

I think I understand why. Why when things got to be too much you would hide away, and eat nothing but Oreos, and drink Dr Pepper. When that fight or flight kicks in, we can't always fight or flight and we have to just go "away" somewhere. I get it! Sometimes the deepest parts of our own minds are the best places to recede to. We are understood there. That's the safest place to be. I am on overload right now and if I could I would hide in my bedroom and let the world go one without me I would.
"Where are you Julie?"
"Nowhere."
"Why don't you come out? We need you..."
"Don't worry world, I will come out tomorrow ready to fight another day. But today I need to sit and hide. Be immature. Think of no one but me. Today I need to fly into the dark places of my own mind and let the world go on without me."
"Well, hurry up cause there's a lot you need to do!"
"I know, I know. Tomorrow."

It's days like today that I think of you. It's days like this that I want to find out what you would do. Or wouldn't do. It's days like today that I miss knowing I never got that. And for that I am mad. Today it hurts. It's not the only day it hurts. It also hurt the day Brynlee was born. Brynlee, Skyler, Colby, and all the rest. But for happy reasons. I always want to share my life with you. The ups, the downs. I will always miss the fact that we didn't even get to embrace as mother and daughter and at least tell each other how much we loved each other. Today is one of the days when it hurts the most. I know you weren't perfect Susie, but neither am I and that's the beauty of it all. Maybe after one long good conversation we could have sat back, laughed at all the time spent "wanting" all those years for someone that would have driven each other nuts for many years to come, but at least we could have had that. Instead we have nothing. Well, not completely nothing. I do have sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles that love to tell your stories. I love to hear them talk about you. Who you were, what you loved, what you hated and everything in between. So maybe you were more robbed than I was. You left this life barely even knowing that I was still alive. Sorry for that. Sorry for not being stronger when I should have been. When you were sick, I should have stepped up and spoken for both of us. But I didn't. I let those precious days go by with nothing. My one greatest regret in life. My only regret. Tomorrow I will be ok with it all again and walk tall loving what I do have, but today I want a Dr Pepper, an Oreo and some bitter tears to top it all off with. I want to talk to my mom.

Love you

Lazy days of Summer

Oh the sweet lazy days of Summer. On my way to drive to school this morning I saw a familiar sight. Kids walking to school. It's different this time of year though. They walk a little slower, as if to absorb as much sunlight as possible before entering the doors to the schools. Its almost as though their little bodies are powered by solar power and they need to regenerate as much as possible before going inside. They walk slowly, stopping to gaze at the world as it has come to life. Fun, rare bugs creep in and out of invisible homes, baby quails run from bush to bush and if you stop to listen long enough you can hear the quiet but sweet song of summer.

This is the time of year when moms have big plans to have their kids do chores everyday, read and do bits of homework to keep their minds fresh and keep a calender handy to keep kids busy. But who needs to keep their kids busy? They lay around till noon happily, dazily eating up summer nothingness. Sprinklers, lemonade stands and swimming eat up their days. Late nights playing games with friends, fire pits with the neighbors and no schedule is what the doctor ordered.

This is a time of regeneration. Taking the stress of school, tests, cold weather, being indoors and "there just isn't enough time in a day" and putting it on the back burner so that the beautiful days of summer can reign supreme. Sunlight is essential for us to live. Not only in a "global" sense, but in a very personal sense. Just like the creepy crawlies that my little boys love to watch come out, so do the people. Friends walk with friends, families take nature walks, bikers, runners and just the nature lover come out this time of year in full force and they stay out until the first snowflake falls come fall. As humans we love the healing power of the sun. I love to close my eyes, tilt my head towards it and let it sink into every part of my being, my soul. I feel like Superman, allowing the sun to power me, refill me and keep me going for another year.

The swing on our large tree in our front yard seems out of place in suburbia. It is something you would more likely see on a dreamy farm out in the middle of nowhere. The majestic tree that cradles the swing seems to stand as a beacon, loving my kids as they swing on her branches. An old rope, piece of wood and a sturdy branch remind me of what I love about this time of year. My children use it everyday, not so patiently taking turns swinging. The grass has long since given way to happy feet, and the beautiful roots of the tree jut out, as if to say "I stand here for you, I always have, I always will...climb at my feet and I will protect you!". I love that tree and everything it represents. Lazy days of summer, how we love thee....

Ok, time to pick up the pencil again, or at least the keyboard. It's been too long when it's been almost two months! So over the last several days I have been wanting to write, but not really knowing what to write about. There's more than enough material. I mean, with ten kids there is always something to write about, right? I think today I will write the ups and downs of vacationing with ten kids.

Up...Vacation! The very word instills joy and happiness (for most anyway!). We don't get to vacation very often and thus when we do, we do it up big. Thanks to my dad who rents a condo on the beach every year, we get to go in style! Beach, sand, sun, water, water and more water, dolphins at sunrise, beautiful sunset over Dana Point, shopping at cheesy gift shops and dining at fun restaurants! It's all so good I am salivating as I sit here describing it!

Down...12 hours in a car with ten kids. Wow...where do I begin with that one? Isaac vies with Colby over the third bench because Isaac likes to lay down when on the road. Well, with twelve people in the car, a whole bench to yourself only comes if your puking, farting or just bullying. It always spurns an argument from several people. Then there's the fourth bench. Most people don't want to be in the very back of the car, until they realize how much crap they can get away with back there. Sleeping on the floor, bouncing around without seat belts because mom just can't reach all the way to the back like that, and playing naughty games that can't be heard from the front seat. The road trips are always split into two days and by day two this year right around Ontario California (only two hours from the beach) Colby looked up at me, sighed deeply and then said "Mom, I am so damn bored!". Normally I would threaten soap in the mouth of my five year old when using this language, but in this situation I just burst out laughing, in fact I am laughing as I write this....so I guess that could also be an up!

Up...the road trip does have it's perks too though because we get to stop in Vegas on our way down and back. I love this town, but mostly because we get to see my sisters and their families, at least usually we do. This year we couldn't, so we stopped in St George on our way home, and that was great too. Love those towns!

Down...sand. I love the sand, when it's on the beach, but seeing as our condo is beachfront, we have sand in every crevice of the condo all week. By the end of the week you learn to just deal with sleeping in sand. I know it's a stretch, but it can be considered a down, right? Ok, I guess lots of folks would take that when they get the beach in return. I know, I know.

Up....just about everything else is up! How could it not be? Lazy sleeping in days, casual not much to do days except lay on the beach. Shop, eat and have fun with the family in ways we can't do at home. No pressure from schools, no friends, no worries, just fun. I love these times with my family. We are in our own special element when we are on vacation. Most of the time we just sit around and enjoy each other. Those are our times to get away from the stress and strain of life and just be ourselves, with each other. Hot dogs and mallows over the fire pit. Swimming in the ocean. Burying each other in the sand, and not with the intent of murdering each other! Smiles from my kids that we just can't get any other way. I love vacations with my family. They are the best!

Down...coming home. Please don't take this personally friends and family, but when we get home there is a mailbox full of bills, crowds of friends on the doorstep, and reality staring me in the face. I have decided that I like the non reality part of life...it suits me! I admit I cried all the way to St George on Saturday. I didn't want to leave my happy place. But St George is at the top of my list of happy places and it played a good mediator to my soul. By the time we were headed back to Salt Lake on Sunday I was ok.

I am so grateful my family gets the opportunity to go on these vacations. Thanks to my dad for making that happen for us! I am grateful my family loves it the way I do. We are a better stronger family after one of our trips and that makes me a happy mom! Up!!!!!

She said what? Hahahaha......

My oh my. Kids can have the most wicked tongues in the world. They can talk back, complain, whine, moan and make any person within a 10 mile radius get an instant headache. On the other hand, they can say the funniest, most embarrassing and best things in the world. And believe me, I have heard just about all of them!

I have to relate two very funny, specific moments. Both happened recently.

First, Jessi. A couple of weeks ago Jessi and I were out and about together. Kids like to talk to mom from the back seat of the car, probably because they are bored. Jessi in particular likes to blab. She will talk to strangers, siblings, classmates and even herself. That day she was looking somewhat contemplative. She seriously looked as though she was deep in thought.
"Mom...I have decided what I want to be when I grow up..."
"Yes hon...what is it?"
"Well, I either want to be a teacher.....or a prophet..."
She was so decisive it was just hilarious! Her thought process was complete and her decision had been made. Of course being the awesome mom that I am I happily encouraged her and told her she could be anything she wanted to be when she grew up. I believe that too. I would not want to be the one to burst any one's bubble about dreams, and hers are so sweet that I had to take joy in them with her. But I think what was so funny about it was the way she threw out the prophet angle. So matter of fact, so simple, so funny that she just thinks that the prophets of our church just sort of "decide" that's what their going to do someday. Good job Jessi...I have no doubt that you will be whatever you want to be, and be successful at it!

So on to Skyler. To tell about his little funniness I have to go back several years. When Jon's sister and her husband Trevor were in town once they came to visit. Trevor said "watch this" and we did watch. He's funny that way. He called to his son Jared, who was maybe 3 at the time, to come over to us.
"Hey Jared, why don't you show your ding dong to Uncle Jon and Aunt Julie?"
We were appalled and half closed our eyes with anticipation at what he was going to show us. He lifted his shirt, stuck his cute little finger in his belly button and said "Ding dong!". We laughed, hard. Since that day we have taught each one of our kids that same thing. It's a very popular thing among the kids. They love to teach our tiny little ones the "ding dong" trick. Well, one day Skyler came to me and this was our brief conversation...
"Mom...I want a belly button!"
I admit I was confused...
"What? What did you say?"
"I want a belly button mom!"
"Huh?"
By this time he was getting flustered...
"Moooom....I want a belly button!"
I was still confused. One of my older children pointed to the items atop the fridge and said...
"Mom, he wants a ding dong!"
Indeed I had a box of ding dongs on top of the fridge. How he put the two together and figured that if his belly button was a ding dong, then a ding dong had to be a belly button. The logic in his mind made complete sense. I laughed, hard. I told everyone I knew and I admit I am kind of proud at his ability to have a sense of humor without even realizing he has one! Love it!

My kids may say lots of nasty things to me, but they also say some of the best things. Some they say to me, some are things I just overhear. My job is to make sure I am always listening so that when they complain I can tune it out, but when they make a funny I am right there to laugh with them, or at them....whichever works!

What "If"...

I have in the past written about words that I love. That post was a fun one to do. This time I decided to write about words I don't particularly love. There are some I will refrain from touching on because I think most people don't like them. Some of the more vulgar words, and not even necessarily swear words, but words that should be deemed swear words. Let's get to my list though.

First off I do not like the word less. The word all by itself denotes smaller amounts than others, or things. But add it to most any word and it creates sadness, defeat and just plain nastiness. For example; Hopeless. What a sad word. You have taken a perfectly good word that is the cornerstone of most religions, most uplifting literature and a word that is used countless times in the scriptures and made it something sad and devoid of light. Another example would be defenseless. This is how I view my children, especially when they are small, or how I view special needs people, homeless (there it is again!) people, etc. It is so sad that we even need a word like defenseless in the English language because that means that there are those that would take advantage of someone who cannot defend themselves and we have to have a word to describe said situation. How sad!

Secondly we have the word dark. This word is used to describe the loneliest time of night right before the dawn... "It's always darkest before dawn". It's also used to describe the souls of certain people. When someone has a dark soul we know immediately what they mean, right? I am sure innocent children and babies were never described as "dark souls". Or what about the great men and women who inspire us? Are they ever described as "dark"? I think not. I might also not like this word so much because it is the exact opposite of what I love the most. Light. Literally. Light, sun, bright, happy, hopeful and so on. No, I do not like the dark!

The last word I am going to highlight might just be one of the worst words ever! If. That's it. IF. "What if?". This word clouds our good judgment, it scars our past and makes us leery of our future. "What if I had chosen to go out at a different time? Would I have hit that child with my car?" "What if we I hadn't left the kids alone in the tub?" "What if we move and we hate it?" There are an infinite number of ways to use the word "if" and although there are some that are ok, most in my opinion are not. Using the word if means you don't know. Don't know which way to go, how to explain a painful event and where your life has come from. Right? If leaves too much room for doubt. You begin to question everything. Your faith, your hope, your decisions and your life. After all the if-ing you end up with a feeling of hopelessness and finally you can end up in the dark. What a vicious cycle, huh?

So friends, lets steer ourselves away from the negative words and focus on the positive. Hope, joy, fun, love and so on! I will try to keep focused on those instead of the negatives. Help me friends, help me and I will help you!