The best and the worst

Sundays are wonderful days. In the right forum, the right talk, the right music and this day is such a good one. No school, yummy dinners (courtesy of mom) and a little spirituality and I really like this day.

Sundays are horrible days. Trying to have a special spirit in my home while kids fight, we're late for church again and there is a spirit in my home and heart, but it's not the kind I would invite the Prophet in to share.

Yesterday was a mixture of both. Our Relief Society board meeting was wonderful. It was quiet, the spirit was there and the topics inspired me and lifted me up. I really loved it. Getting home to make sure everyone was ready for church after that was a joke. Most the little kids were still running around in dirty shorts with dirt on their faces to match. I only had 45 minutes to direct traffic and get our bags and get out the door. We were late enough that we had to divide and conquer. Jon sat towards the back with half the kids and I sat towards the front with the other half. It was ok and we did alright. By the time the youth choir got up to sing my emotions were close to the surface and when I saw all those beautiful young men and women get up and sing it was more than I could take. Beautiful children, all of them. The girls sang As Sisters In Zion and the boys sang The Armies of Helaman. I lost it half way through and I started to cry. What strong and beautiful spirits all these children were...three of mine were among them. Kenna, Megan and Isaac. I felt in awe of the children I was listening to and felt that I was coming up short as their mother. I was just bawling by the end of the song, but didn't feel too bad cause I realized that Angie was sitting behind me crying just as hard. Such a good moment.

Then the they split for classes. Polly and I were supposed to go to Sunday school, but instead we sat in the back of the chapel and watched the primary practice for their annual sacrament meeting program. This is where my day got funny. Watching those 50 wriggly tiny bodies trying to be contained and tamed by those lowly 10 or so adults was hilarious. They were up and down, they were all over that stage. Some of the kids when they got up to give their parts could barely be heard even with the microphone right there and some kids were so loud that the speakers of the microphone nearly ruptured. Michelle, Polly and I sat in the back and chuckled, giggled, laughed and blushed as the kids did their thing. I have 5 kids in primary this year and let me tell you...some are better than others. Jessi would disappear down between the rows of chairs and then with a definitive "pop" she would pop up like a superhero bursting through the earths crust. Colby was doing the up down thing with his folding chair and Joe left to pee three times. Very funny. I left that laughing....

By nightfall however the long day we had had was taking it's toll and I yelled at my kids and couldn't get them to bed fast enough while mumbling to myself that Sundays are the hardest day of the week and how glad I was that it was over. There are no other days in the week that invoke such emotion as this day. From the spirit, to humor to pure frustration.

Sundays....love them and hate them all in one breath. If you are not LDS, or have no kids I invite you to join us for one sabbath...it will either convert you, or chase you away permanently. Good luck...

The Best Medicine...

Ok folks, I admit it...I have been depressed for several weeks now. There...I said it. It's out in the open. No denial. No covering it up. No bull****. I have my suspicions as to why, and we don't need to go there, but there it is.

I will say though that even though I am not prone to spontaneous laughter and bouts of smiling lately that does not mean that I cannot produce a good belly laugh when I want to. Usually those things come easily for me and I don't need much to make it happen. I am usually a very happy person. I smile at strangers, I am a polite and patient person while at the wheel of a car and even the smallest things the kids do make me laugh, just not so much lately.

It's times like these that I find myself looking for things to laugh at, and trying to find humor where before it would find me. I have laughed though. Polly and I both have a tremendous amount of stress in our lives right now. Instead of choosing to sit around and psychoanalyze the crap out of our lives, we are choosing to send the kids to school, make yummy food and sit and watch Big Bang Theory. We don't even speak to each other, we just watch and laugh, right out loud and revel in the silence except for each others voices as we enjoy the moment. After these afternoons I am always more relaxed and find that life isn't quite as heavy as it seemed earlier in the day.

Kenna and I were playing wii the other day and we got so into it that we found ourselves laughing and screaming at the tv while the rest of the kids watched with smiles on their faces. Too too fun.

Isaac spent some time teaching Skyler "Boom, boom....firepower"...and let me tell you...that little boys is so cute it's hard not to laugh at him, or with him.

Karlee....dear Karlee. We always laugh when we are around each other. It is just what we do. However this time it was an email. Jon and I sat here at the computer together and laughed right out loud to the point where we were both in tears. I haven't laughed that hard in months. I have to thank Karlee for that. I so needed that...

Laughter is the best medicine. I know it...with all my heart. It can do more for you than a double dose of Xanax or an entire bottle of wine (sorry Lisa). It's true. I have decided that I will find ways every day to laugh and laugh hard. I will make sure I am sharing that laughter with those I love because that makes it just that much better.

Laughter truly is the best medicine and I challenge anyone who says different....

Dreams

I used to argue (nicely, more like sparring)with my dad over what life was about. We both have always had the same religious beliefs, but as to the rest of life, the pursuit of family and happiness and the fulfilling of dreams we have never seen eye to eye. He is a remarkably successful man who has spent a lifetime working hard and spending wisely which has led him to a very comfortable retirement with all of his needs taken care of. I admire him for these qualities, he is so smart and so reasonable. He has always been wise beyond his years and it shows in what he has now. But that's not what we would disagree on. I always maintained that there was more to life than that. More than the bills, more than financial security. He would prove his point and I would try to prove mine. He usually chuckled at my viewpoint because there was never any logic in it and didn't provide any constants in life. Just passion, just dream reaching, just the simple things that make a person happy, but can give true happiness. We eventually agreed to disagree on this one and we no longer joust it out. He has helped me more than words can say as far as finances, helping Jon get through school and getting us into our home. He will never know how much these things have meant to me and Jon.

What I have to wonder is if I have given any part of myself back to him. Have I given any of myself to anyone? I think most people want to share a part of themselves with the world and people do so in so many different ways. Music, art, children, sermons, dance, science and the written word. How do I fit in with this? As a young woman it was through theater and music. I was part of music groups for years, I went to Snow College on a theater scholarship and I loved those moments...every single one of them. But what about now? It's hard to keep my perspective when things can go so wrong and I have to constantly ask for help from others. I no longer am part of the theatre and I am lucky if I get an entire verse of music out in church on Sundays. I yell at my kids, complain to my friends and watch tv when I get free time. What do I contribute? I fear it's not much and that makes me sad. Where did the dreams go? Where did the time go that was on my side as a young one and now so eludes me?

I try to dream, I try to reach for the stars but sometimes it's hard just to reach for the front door of my own home to leave to take kids to school. I cry when I think of lost dreams, I cry when I think of lost hope. My dreams have changed but I have decided that I need to start to find new dreams. Things that are appropriate for my age and position in life. Dream girl......dream.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream.

Wish you may, wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away.

Miley Cyrus