Megan

This child had to be one of the most wanted children in my extended family. Jon and I got married in the beginning of august and by the end of august we were pregnant. I remember how excited my mother in law was. She would jump up and down and was so happy to see her 2nd son becoming a father. Now don't get me wrong, he became a father the day we got married, through McKenna of course, but this was his first child and our first child together. Being pregnant with her was so much fun. I felt from day one that she was going to be a girl and by the time I was only 6 weeks into my pregnancy we both had agreed on her name. That time flew by and yet it seems like yesterday.

She came into the world somewhat big...the biggest even to today. She was 8 pounds and 6 ounces and I thought she was just beautiful. From day one this sweet child has had medical problems, kind of like Skyler. I can only assume that both of these children have had issues that somehow link to the diabetes. She had to be in the nicu the first few days of her life because she wasn't breathing right. It was kind of funny to look at her in the little bed, so big and so pink and yet no doing so well. The little baby in the bed next to her was so tiny, she looked like she should have been walking and talking. But after a few days she got better and we took her home, but it didn't end there. She had constant yeast infections that went from her bum to her mouth and back to her bum again. Then at 6 months she got the croup and ended up in the hospital for a couple more days. At 7 months she got it again, and this time we avoided the hospital but I ended up on the couch for 10 days with this sick little person in my lap with the humidifier running constantly right next to us. Then it was back to the yeast infections...and by 11 months it was the diabetes.

Megan is what they call a "brittle diabetic". You can look at her sideways and her blood sugars spike or drop. From the time she was diagnosed she has had at least 3 massive seizures a year, mostly at night, from low sugars. Her body doesn't bounce back like others do either. Skyler can be fine just an hour after a seizure, but Megan will end up on the couch sleeping most the day with intermittent spurts of vomiting. She has suffered through kidney infections, ear infections and infections on her toes that had to be drained. I am not sure she knows what "good" truly feels like and yet....she has to be one of the strongest people I know.

Strong can mean a couple of things. Pig headed and stubborn, or determined and motivated. She is both. She is an amazing artist and has a deep love of animals. When she gets to drawing an animal she will sit for hours and keep at it till it's done to her satisfaction. If her health holds up I know she will have a ranch, with horses, dogs, cats, chickens and all manner of animal life. She loves it that much. I respect her for her strength and I truly believe that the Lord gave her some of these qualities so that she could overcome her massive health issues.

She is beautiful, forgiving and has a bright future ahead of her, as long as we as parents can help direct her path. I feel an awesome responsibility with all my children, but more so with the children that have disabilities and hardships. They need me and I need to be there for them. She will probably always be one of my best friends and my worst enemies....but in a good way. We tend to challenge each other. All my kids are strong, they have to be to live in today's time, but she is stronger than most of them. She gets up everyday, takes care of her diabetes (with some help), and marches on through her day not letting her health stop her. She will be a source of inspriation for my other children as they get older and become adults, when they can recognize what she goes through on a daily basis just to stay alive. Have a sit down chat with her just once and you will fall in love with her, the way I did the day she was born.

Joseph

My little man Joe. The birth of every one of my children is my special moment. My moment when I see the faces of the kids that know me and I know them beyond all time. Each and every baby is this way...but with Joe it was exceptional. I won't say my pregnancy was easy with him. Non of them were, but that pregnancy is when I really started to feel my age, feel the down sides of pregnancy. Each of the others was easy by comparison. His labor was long, he was turned the wrong way and my epidural had been done wrong. I went from throwing up with a blood pressure of 80/40 to pain....lots and lots of pain. At 5:38pm he came into this world. The doctor put him into my arms and the very second I looked into his face I knew. My heart and mind screamed to me...."I remember you now!". That's exactly what my soul told me....I even said the words to him. I remembered him. That moment was like my soul was remembering someone that I had forgotten. It was intense and it was the one of the sweetest moments as a parent for me to this point. He was meant to be my child and I was meant to be his mom.

He is a sensitive soul....very sensitive. But like any boy, you touch on that nerve and you get an earful. You mess with the bull you get the horns. He loves trucks, cars, superheros and villains. Maybe the villains too much. He also loves barbies, dress ups and to watch McKenna get ready for a dance. He seems conflicted at times and I have always wondered what his future holds, but no matter what it holds he is my sweet boy and he and I have a sweet connection.

More than any of my children he would cuddle as a little guy. He would sit on the couch with me and cuddle for hours. Sometimes when my kids get their hands all over me I get a little claustrophobic, but not with him. His touch is soothing to me and I always love it. I often ask him to play with my hair, and he loves to do it.

He doesn't play with friends a lot. He doesn't ask to go friends houses and he likes to be home. He is a home body and I am ok with that. As long as he still wants to move out when he grows up....that is a must for all my kids! :)

Joseph is feisty and strong...and he can be less than nice at times, but he is also one of the most observant and loyal of my children. Family is family...I have always felt strongly about this and I think I see it in his eyes and heart as well. He and I will always be close...that was clear the first moment I laid eyes on him.

He will be strong in whatever he chooses to do in this life. He will and does go forward strongly and he doesn't ever look back. He forgives more than any child I have and he doesn't hold a grudge. He loves life, and the people around him. I love this about him.

McKenna

Since tomorrow is McKenna's 18th birthday I guess it only fitting that I write about her next...

Kenna, full of life, full of fun and so much like me. Everyone tells us this, but I don't need to be told. I know. She is caustic, sarcastic and somewhat demanding. Yes, I know I am like this and so is she. She even looks like me.

When I got pregnant with her I was single. I was working at the University of Utah Hospital and living right in the middle of downtown. My life was so far from what it is today. I am so far from what I was back then.

The nursery mattered so much to me. I planned, spent hundreds of dollars and bought everything "gender neutral". After she was born I took her to museums, to art exhibits and to the zoo to educate her. All of this before she was even a year old. I cleaned all day long, organized her room constantly and she never left the house without perfect clothes and ribbons in her hair. I was a new mom.

She was a very high strung child. Very high strung. I used to think it was her, and maybe to a point it was. She is by nature a somewhat "stressed" person, but I believe now that me being so anal didn't help her at all. I thought I was relaxed, but just the fact that I was convinced that not only did she need two years of preschool, but it had to be Challenger private school shows that I was not very relaxed at all. I stressed out way too much when she was little.

Despite my mistakes and my behavior she turned out ok. She loves life, she loves people the way I do and she is such an amazing oldest child. Now this is not to say that she doesn't get fed up with all the younger siblings, but she rolls with them so well. She is so tender with the smallest kids and she is always saying how she wants a baby of her own....( not yet kiddo!!!).

When Skyler was first born he used to sleep on her chest better than he would for me or Jon. He loved Kenna and could feel how tender she felt about him. They still have a sweet relationship.

I am proud of this girl. Her choices have been great, her friends are wonderful and the path she is on towards a career is such a good one. I have come to love spending time with her, whether it be at the movies, or even at home late at night after everyone else has gone to bed just watching tv. We like similar tv shows we laugh, cry and analyze things together happily.

She is a joy to have around. She is my oldest, and she means the world to me.

Skyler

Over the next few weeks I am going to write each and every one of my kids a blog entry. A little summary of their life, their accomplishments and how they help me to grow, learn and become a better parent. I have written a lot about each of my kids, just not an entry devoted solely to each one.

Today is Skyler. He has to be the easiest just because he is mostly still so small and sweet. Life is so challenging with him around and yet, he has to be the sweetest baby ever.

His entry into this world wasn't easy. After several ultrasounds while pregnant we knew he had serious kidney issues and would most likely require surgery after he was born. He came into this world after a long 14 hours of labor at 9:48pm on Halloween, with soft red hair and the signature chubby Loutensock cheeks. We didn't name him until we could get a good look at him and the name we eventually picked was not a name we had even talked about since earlier in my pregnancy...but there he was....Skyler.

His little body wasn't working like everyone else's bodies and he had to have several grueling tests at Primary Children's Hospital. At the tender age of 5 months he went into surgery to fix one kidney and the other seems to be ok. Both are still not quite normal, but they are doing the job they should and we are so grateful for the blessing of modern medicine.

After a little bit quieter three months we ended up at Primary Children's again, only this time it was for Skyler and the diabetes. I took this one hard, and I can only assume it was because after dealing with Megan's diabetes for 11 years I knew what he, Jon and I were all in for. Especially him. I sat with my baby in that hospital that had become like a second home for all the time we had spent there and I felt sad for what this poor baby had to endure the first 8 months of his life. I was feeling kind of sorry for him and for us when I decided to take him and I to the short church service there at the hospital. Skyler was feeling a lot better and I decided to take him with me. This had to be one of the most sombering experiences of my life. The room was filled to capacity...and it held a lot of people. Some parents were there alone, I can only assume it was because their little ones were too sick to be there. Some kids were there with their parents, IV poles and all. There wasn't much noise at all except the soft piano music and the chirping of the IV's for the kids. The spirit was so strong that day, like I have never felt before. As my eyes scanned the people around me there were parents crying softly, praying softly and I am sure hoping so strongly. I looked down at my feet where Skyler was playing and smiling up at me and it hit me so hard....so many of these parents wouldn't be taking their kids home. So many of these parents would have to leave that hospital without their children. I looked at Skyler and was filled with gratitude and love for my Savior who was allowing me to take my baby home. He would have a new routine, shots everyday and a long road ahead of him, but he was still with me and for that my heart wad filled with joy. I had to leave that service early because the emotion of it was a little more than I could bear. I walked away from that meeting holding tightly to my baby a little more grateful for my own set of problems.

He since then has been a joy to our family. He smiles a lot, he grins when dad comes home and he says so many cute little things. He tries to imitate everything the kids say and they are most proud of the day they taught him to say "beer"....good grief!

The presence of this sweet child in our home has taught us all patience (he cried A LOT the first year of his life), is a sweet reminder of all the good in the world and I am absolutely in love with the soft red hair (ginger to those of you who love him....). He is my baby. He is my love and I love the "wuv you's" he loves to give. Like I have said before .... he is a gift. I am sure there will be days to come when I don't necessarily feel this way, but today I do. And I am sure when the house is dark, everyone is tucked safely away in bed I will still feel this way. Gift....

What we lost

I miss you. We didn't have much, it was just a bit. But I miss it just the same. My life was turned upside down two weeks ago and I had a lot of people love me through it. Most everyone loved they way they could and I was having such a hard time that at times I didn't give credit where credit was due. My heart was aching and I didn't even know which way was up most days. I don't think it was just the one thing that happened that threw me so far off track. It was an accumulation of things. Loses, hard times and broken dreams.

I think of you often and my heart hurts. Before October 1st I had come to a quiet peace about losing you. I don't know what life would have been like with you in it, I just don't. It might have been hard at times. We are mother and daughter and yet we hadn't seen each other in 26 years. I was raised by a loving family that had different ideas about life than you did. How would our true meeting have gone? I imagine at first it would have been awkward. Strangers meeting for the first time but still we would have had such a deep bond that was just for us. A pain and sense of loss that only we could have fulfilled for each other. I think in time we would have both begun to heal. I think in time we would have gotten to know each other and would have found that we loved the people we were getting to know. I think it would have made the circle complete. I have so much. So many people who love me. My life is so full, so blessed with those around me. My friends have become like my family, my family is my strength and my sisters have made me so much more complete than I ever could have imagined. We have gotten to know each other so much more and each day we build on that. There is one hole though. One gap. You. I spent a long time longing for things to be different, even though I know it can't happen.

The peace I have come to is all comprehensive. I know that our relationship would not have been perfect. Maybe we wouldn't have always seen eye to eye, and maybe even totally not agreed with each other. But at least you would have been here. To touch you, to hold you and to talk to you. I loved the sound of your voice, it was like hearing a voice that I remembered but had forgotten. The few times we talked I never felt like I had never heard your voice. The first time we spoke it was brief and you had no idea who I was but my heart raced and my arms ached to be with you. I know my soul remembered who you were and it was like finding a long lost friend.

Two weeks ago my life became something I didn't recognize. It was and still is hard to comprehend. I am slowing wrapping my brain around what has happened and I am slowly coming to terms with it all. Not just the loss, but the realization of dreams lost. More than just one, but several. I normally have your picture beside my bed. Two weeks ago I had the picture of my baby David along side of it. After a few days I put them both away because the loss was too much. I couldn't handle it.

Please don't feel bad, the pictures will both go back up when I can look at both without crying again. I will get there, but don't fear for your pictures are together in the top of my closet where I keep the things closest to my heart.

I love you mom and would have loved whomever you were. I am learning that as I go. I love you for who you were not for who I would have wanted you to be. I am learning to do that for everyone I have in my life. I am learning....

Hold me now

I am lucky. I have two mom's. Last week when my mom found out my baby had died she came right over to love me, hug me and give me flowers. Those flowers are sitting here on my table. I don't have it in me to throw them away. I didn't get clothes, pictures or anything else to remind me of the baby, aside from a single ultrasound pic of him. Its one of the only other things I have to remind me of him and my family may have to throw the flowers away when I am not home. I can't seem to let go. Silly really...

But, she isn't my only mom. I have a mom that isn't here anymore. She's gone and the hopes and dreams of who we might have been have gone with her. Now, from what I am told she had some issues so I am not sure how she would have taken me, what she would have said, but I would have given my left arm to know. Besides...as my sister Tracy and I are always saying to each other...each one of us is screwed up, so can we really judge Susie? Probably not.

These last two weeks have made me think. I am a mom. If I were to die anytime soon so many of my kids would forget me. They wouldn't have any memory of who I was or who we were together. Skyler wouldn't remember that I call him my "Sky Boo" or that everytime I put him in his bed I lift him up to my face and I kiss his chubby little thighs. Several of the younger kids would forget me and I would be replaced by someone else most likely.

I am sure it wasn't Susie's plan to leave this life so soon. I wonder what she thought about when she thought of her children. What did she think of me? Would she have ever sought me out herself? I know she would have thought I looked just like my father...because I do. She was so good with my niece Taylor, or so I am told. Would she have been overwhelmed with all my kids? I wish I could have known. Losing another baby has been an overwhelming thing for me. I find that so many things have come into question. I no longer question my beliefs, but I still question God. Where do I go from here? Why couldn't David stay with me? Does our baby watch over us? Watch over me? As a mom my mind is always full of questions, fears and hopes. My emotions run so deep right now that I can't see straight. I think for the first time I have a glimpse of what Susie felt when they took me away. The ache is intense and the longing never goes away. My heart hurts so much for her and what she must have gone through. I know she hurt over me. I know it is an aching that never died. I understand more than ever now what she might have felt.

I wish I didn't know how she felt, and to some degree I never will. Despite the fact that I have lost babies I never felt like I had to give one away. She lost me, through her own choices, and then had to deal with the feelings of loss and pain afterwords. She and I have a connection that surpases anyone. I did not know her in this life, but we share a sense of loss. We lost each other and because of the way things played out we never are going to know each other in this life.

My only solice on this is the fact that I believe in what I do. I believe I will see Sue again someday. I believe she up there watching over us and seeing everything we do. I hope she is happy that at least the four of us have found each other. I also hope that she is there with the children we have lost. I know that I am not the only one of us that has lost a baby. I know that my three sisters have all lost babies as well. I hope that as we are here with the beautiful children here on this earth that she is in heaven with all the grandkids that didn't make it here.

I can't hold my mom here. She is gone and I can't change that. I hope that she is up there holding dear to her heart what we have lost here. Family is family no matter what. No matter what happens, nothing can change that.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." Agatha Christie

Time flies

She will be 18 in one week. McKenna, my oldest I mean. I swear it was just yesterday I found out I was pregnant and my world was so far removed from where I am today. I wasn't married, I was living with friends, I was working full time at The University of Utah Hospital as an ecg tech and I had such foolish ideas on what it meant to be a parent.

I tired hard, I cleaned all the time and I worked full time. I was young, thin and determined. I swear it was just yesterday and yet when I look in the mirror now I see a much older woman with years of experience and time behind me. I hope I have years more to go. I will say that I know I have yet to learn all I can from life, from Jon, my kids and my siblings...but I have learned so much already. I decided recently that life is a journey, not the destination. I fall down, often by my own choices, then I pick myself up try to keep going. I try.

Kenna is becoming an adult and with that comes adult choices. She is thinking about college, she is thinking of moving out and she dates guys with a different attitude than she used to. Girls start to look forward sooner than boys...but that's just my opinion. How fast is it going to be when I look at my younger kids and see them graduating high school and looking forward to the future. Sometimes I feel like I will be here, right where I am at forever. Little kids, diapers, preschools and sippy cups. I know those days are almost gone for me and I am ok with that.

Life is constantly changing, I would like to think I am capable of changing with it. I want to move forward, I want to be a better person to myself and those around me. I want those around me to feel I benefit their lives and make them better. I will have grand kids sooner than I think and I want to be a happy positive influence to them.

I want to keep moving forward....

My gift

Why does it take such loss and tragedy for us to realize what we have sometimes? Now don't get me wrong, I have always been so incredibly grateful for my children. From the time I was just tiny all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. That's it. I used to pride myself on my doll collection. At least 10 maybe even 12 dolls would line my bedroom and don't be mistaken about how much I cared for all these little babies. I even had first and middle names for them all. If I loved those dolls that much imagine how much I would throw myself into a real baby.

Each and every gift was just as precious as the last. McKenna, my first. Megan my first with Jon and then Isaac my first boy. Each child came soon after the last and I have loved each and every one as much as the child before them. I don't like to put them down their entire first year of life. They are spoiled and they not only know mom's touch, but I think they would not know what to do with themselves if they were to go more than an hour without love and hugs from me.

Every baby has been a gift and even as they have grown I see the beauty that is each one of them. Joey hates any food except for chicken nuggets and cereal. Jessi's character precedes her in the neighborhood. Lots of people have commented on how funny she is. The other day when going to hop in Michelle's car for school she tripped on a scooter and fell right on her face. As she popped up she got into the car and instead of wanting to melt into the seat she said "Did you see that? I didn't see that coming...it was awesome!" I love that kid...she has the best sense of humor! Colby and his love of transformers and the way that if he ends up going to the store with me he ends up with a new car. I have the hardest time saying no to him. Lacie and her love of all things beautiful. She will be a supermodel if she has her say in life. And Abby and her athletic ability. Her flag football team went undefeated this year and her coach strongly urged her to stay in sports. I love all my kids. They have been gifts, each one of them.

While pregnant with Colby I really felt that was it. I didn't have the impression that there were any more kids for us. Eight was good. Five girls, 3 boys....it was so perfect. But then came Sky. When I got pregnant with him I admit I was surprised by what I felt. It was never panic, it was never stress or anxiety. I just knew things were going to be ok. I knew it was meant to be. He didn't come stress free though, he came with a lot of problems. His health has been in question since before he was born. His kidney's were and still are a mess. They are functioning now and they feel that they have done all they can do to improve them. His constant crying, especially at night. I was always convinced that he was in pain. He cries at night now again, and he says over and over "owie, owie". I don't know what hurts on him, but something does and I have yet to figure out what it is. He has the diabetes, which of course makes life that much more complicated, but he does ok. As I sit here writing he is putting cheese on crackers right next to the keyboard. As I write I glance at him with his beautiful blue eyes and his soft red hair. He will be two on Halloween and I will never think of him as anything but a gift.

Four babies have come and gone since Skyler came into our home. After so much loss I look at all my children different. They are all gifts. I don't own them, they are not "mine". God has trusted me with them and I hope I am doing at least an ok job loving them, teaching them, holding them. Maybe Skyler being here was not the original plan, but he is a gift....a precious beautiful gift. Maybe the last to come to our home that way. Grand kids will be amazing gifts, sons and daughters in law will be gifts...but maybe he was the last gift of my own. Maybe not. Today I feel a little more hopeful about the future. Not necessarily meaning we will have another child, but either way we will be ok.

But in the meantime I will and do see my children as gifts. They have been entrusted to me and I love them with every ounce of life I have. Skyler was a surprise gift after I thought we were done. Today more than ever I see this. Thank you Lord for what you have given me, and please hold dear what has been taken away. I trust your arms are warmer than mine.

To heal yourself

This last week has been one of the worst for me to this point in my life. That all by itself scares me to death. People are always saying that once we overcome one trial a harder one replaces it. Please tell me it's all a lie because I never want to feel this way again, and yet a huge part of life is loss and pain. Deal with it.

I think one major point to it all though is that we heal in between the blows. We overcome, we rise above it and we heal. To Heal. What does that really mean? I find that I feel so broken right now. Not just because of the events of this past week, but the last year. Maybe even two. I have had one blow after another and I find that I am asking myself if I have truly healed between each one? Moving to this house and this neighborhood was hard. I didn't want a new home, I didn't want to get to know all my new neighbors. I just wanted things to stay the same. But being here has made such a difference in my life. I can't imagine going through what I have gone through this last two years and not have been here.

I hope Julie doesn't mind, but I have to relay one experience that seemed to start a downfall of hard times for us. Ray. The day I hit Ray Green. So so hard, so hard. But after a few weeks Julie came to my home and told me about her experience after my kids ran to her home and told her I had hit Ray with my car. She said that as she ran out of her home and towards us she just kept telling herself that no matter what happened she had to make sure we knew she still loved us. That as friends nothing would change. How many people can be filled with that much Christ like love? Compassion? Here her child was hurt and she had no idea how he was, and she was worried about us. I don't know that it could have been anyone else's child and have the mom feel that way. I am so grateful for that family and what they teach me about Christ like love. They have been a blessing.

The support we received from the friends here in our ward after Skyler was born is unbelievable. Through all of Skylers tests, through his surgery and then the diabetes they were there for us as a family. They helped out, they brought in dinners and watched kids.

Then this last year. 4 babies lost. I have a few people around here that have known about every one of them. And each time they open their hearts and homes again while I spend time at doctors offices and emergency rooms. They listen to me cry, they hold me while I shake...and never give up on us as a family.

These things have helped me to heal. The unconditional love of those around me buoy me up and remind me that there is so much more going on here than just a few friends giving us food. They love us, and that makes the difference to my soul. I find that I have fallen down at the Saviors feet and placed my pain, my anguish, my confusion and fear there and He takes them from me. So many times He does this through the people around me. I don't see angels that descend from heaven on thrones. I don't hear voices while praying to myself. I see angels in the form of Angie and Michelle with their open arms and hearts bringing me yet another meal and taking my kids so I can sleep. While crying so softly I hear the voice of my friend Polly telling me it's going to be ok and that she loves me. The Savior isn't here with me holding me while I cry, but I feel His hand on my head as my husband and Chris give me a priesthood blessing of peace and comfort. He is here, He does love me and He feels my pain. He wants to take it away, if I will let Him. I am beginning to heal.

I have a long ways to go. I still feel a stab of pain when I see a woman pregnant. I still ache way down deep when thinking to next spring. Thinking how things have changed so drastically. But the last few days I have not had to drug myself up to get through the day. I imagine if I keep praying, keep opening up to people and listen to the promptings of the spirit I will heal as much as is humanly possible. I will get there. It takes time though, and in the meantime I will answer the phone when you call, because even though it's hard to talk about my loss, it's good to know so many people care so much.

For those of you who wonder....I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will ever try again for another baby. My hearts wants it so much, but at the same time the thought of going through this pain again is almost unbearable. I am still working through the feelings of losing this baby, I have yet to think ahead beyond just getting through everyday. I still have bruises up and down my arms from all the needles, IV's and rhogam shots. I don't know what we will do in the future, it's still too soon to decide. I need to heal first...

My day...

I got up on time today. My day started as any other day does and I had my elementary kids ready for school on time. I should give credit where credit is due though. My kids pretty much got themselves ready. I have to say that the younger kids are better than my jr high kids. They just got up, got ready and ran out the door when Polly honked. My jr high kids are a tad different. They both require a fair amount of attention and more help. Sad to say, but true. They were ready though and they and Kenna were out and to school on time.

After the main crowd was off to school I began my routine. I made my bed, I showered, did dishes, rotated laundry, broke up a few fights between Jessi and Colby and dragged Skyler off the counter tops at least a dozen times. I picked up dirty clothes, screened a few phone calls, checked the bank account and cleaned up the entry way. After all of this I got Jessi off to school. She is easy to get off and by the time she was in her car ready to go I had the two youngest boys in my car ready to go. We went out and surprised Jon with a visit and then a suggestion for lunch. We went out to eat, and boy was that an adventure. Skyler crawling all over the table and Colby all over under the table. There's a reason we don't take these kids out to dinner often.

After our goodbyes to dad, we headed home. Skyler needed a nap and the younger kids would be home soon. After school snacks, some wii, friends coming and going and a few more phone calls. Backpacks, shoes on the floor, new dirty dishes and a spilled soda on the coffee table and I knew my quiet time was over. Dinner, bed and no husband again. There's my day. It's boring and really there isn't much to tell. In fact I am surprised that I even dragged it out that far. There is one thing though. Despite the fact that life marched on today, and I had to march right along with it, I still hurt. I am amazed with myself with how much I can do despite the fact that my mind and body are screaming for me to crawl under the covers of my bed and sleep away the next month of heartache and pain.

I got up today and I did what I usually do. I didn't laugh much (Polly did make me laugh a little), but I got the job done. I look forward to the time when I laugh again easily. When hope is stronger than pain and fear. When I go throughout the day without spending so much time thinking about one tiny person that had such an impact on my life. I will always think of him, but I want to get back to thinking of other things too. I look forward to that day.

My baby

Yesterday I had a D&C and I won't try to disguise my pain today. We decided to name our sweet boy David Malachi. It has such a sweet meaning...Beloved Angel. He is my beloved and I miss knowing he is inside me anymore and I am having a hard time thinking to the future. There were so many things I had planned around a new baby and now I have to rearrange my thoughts and plans.

Needless to say I have a ways to go before I heal, but I will eventually get there. Just expect to hear me cry for a while when you call.

Goodbye...

I am hurting. I ache. I feel empty and sad. I lost another baby this weekend and this one will be the hardest by far. I was so much further along than with the others and the baby looks just perfect. My heart is broken and I know I will heal but it's going to take some time. It turns out the baby was a boy and I have yet to come up with a name, but I will. He cannot just be "the baby" or "he" or even worse "it". I will think of something to call him and I will forever love him.


"These are my tiny footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not of pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in a butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mommy and daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

Mary found this for me and I think it is just perfect.

I love you my baby boy. Our family will always miss you....