I miss you. We didn't have much, it was just a bit. But I miss it just the same. My life was turned upside down two weeks ago and I had a lot of people love me through it. Most everyone loved they way they could and I was having such a hard time that at times I didn't give credit where credit was due. My heart was aching and I didn't even know which way was up most days. I don't think it was just the one thing that happened that threw me so far off track. It was an accumulation of things. Loses, hard times and broken dreams.
I think of you often and my heart hurts. Before October 1st I had come to a quiet peace about losing you. I don't know what life would have been like with you in it, I just don't. It might have been hard at times. We are mother and daughter and yet we hadn't seen each other in 26 years. I was raised by a loving family that had different ideas about life than you did. How would our true meeting have gone? I imagine at first it would have been awkward. Strangers meeting for the first time but still we would have had such a deep bond that was just for us. A pain and sense of loss that only we could have fulfilled for each other. I think in time we would have both begun to heal. I think in time we would have gotten to know each other and would have found that we loved the people we were getting to know. I think it would have made the circle complete. I have so much. So many people who love me. My life is so full, so blessed with those around me. My friends have become like my family, my family is my strength and my sisters have made me so much more complete than I ever could have imagined. We have gotten to know each other so much more and each day we build on that. There is one hole though. One gap. You. I spent a long time longing for things to be different, even though I know it can't happen.
The peace I have come to is all comprehensive. I know that our relationship would not have been perfect. Maybe we wouldn't have always seen eye to eye, and maybe even totally not agreed with each other. But at least you would have been here. To touch you, to hold you and to talk to you. I loved the sound of your voice, it was like hearing a voice that I remembered but had forgotten. The few times we talked I never felt like I had never heard your voice. The first time we spoke it was brief and you had no idea who I was but my heart raced and my arms ached to be with you. I know my soul remembered who you were and it was like finding a long lost friend.
Two weeks ago my life became something I didn't recognize. It was and still is hard to comprehend. I am slowing wrapping my brain around what has happened and I am slowly coming to terms with it all. Not just the loss, but the realization of dreams lost. More than just one, but several. I normally have your picture beside my bed. Two weeks ago I had the picture of my baby David along side of it. After a few days I put them both away because the loss was too much. I couldn't handle it.
Please don't feel bad, the pictures will both go back up when I can look at both without crying again. I will get there, but don't fear for your pictures are together in the top of my closet where I keep the things closest to my heart.
I love you mom and would have loved whomever you were. I am learning that as I go. I love you for who you were not for who I would have wanted you to be. I am learning to do that for everyone I have in my life. I am learning....