For those that like to dream, come in. For those that like to laugh, come in. For those that like to cry and be inspired...please come in. Our family is like any other, but is extraordinary in it's own right. Come and join us at our campfire and laugh a little, cry a little and leave us, but please come back. We love company...

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It isn't fair!

Just when I have some hot food and I sit down, the baby starts to cry. My food gets cold while the baby is eating yummy warm milk. Cute little Skyler waits 364 days for his birthday to roll around, and today...the day we chose to celebrate it, he is sick and down with a fever. Poor kid. The other kids are happily enjoying his birthday presents while Skyler feels yucky. It isn't fair. I spend most of the Spring sick with a cough. I get better around the end of May only to get it all over again come June. Not fair!!

My folks always told me that life isn't fair. I thought they told me these things to try to rationalize some kind of disappointment I was feeling, or a new rule. I thought my parents "made up" all kinds of things. Surely life wasn't that unfair...right? Wrong!!! Life is that unfair!

There are lots of people that have a lot more money than I do, yet I have three times as many kids as they do, not fair! I have 10 kids, while some people struggle to have just one, no fair! Some people starve while others have more than they need and they waste, not fair! I guess I could really depress us all about the unfairness of life, but truly, let's try to stay on a positive note here.

For a bunch of kids being raised in a family of 12 it usually means that life is rarely, if not always unfair. That's just the way it is. Someone will have to share a room with another kid that grinds their teeth in their sleep, is a hoarder, borrows underwear, takes money without asking and farts without warning. But then again I have kids that don't share rooms, but their rooms are the size of shoe boxes. Either way it's not fair. We can never get shoes for everyone the same day, some kids have to wait for another payday. Road trips mean sharing a bench with your mortal enemy. Meal times are a free for all, where someone always loses. Then there's chore day...don't even get me started on the "unfairness" of that day. "His chores are easy!" "That room is such a mess, and I didn't do any of it!" "Why doesn't Skyler have to do three chores?" "Why do I have to clean the toilet after Colby used it?" "IT ISN'T FAIR!!!!"

I know it isn't fair kiddos, I know! I try to make it fair. Buy the kids the same thing so no one is left without. Usually someone doesn't like what they get. I try to get the same amount of cuddle time in with whoever wants it, but alas, someone goes to bed crying about how unfair it was because they didn't get my attention today. After hearing an argument I get mad at who I think deserves it, but it's always unfair to the kid getting yelled at, at least that's what they think. You know what isn't fair kids???? When mom gives up the cake to make sure you all got a piece...that's not fair! :)

Life isn't fair. I am still trying to get used to this concept, and maybe I never will. Some days are better than others, some I think I definitely have more than some, and some I think I got short changed in a lot of areas. Either way, I may die with the words "This isn't fair" seeping from my lips. But, in a all fairness to myself, am I really that different from everyone else?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie!

Sleepless in Seattle. That movie has some of the greatest lines I have ever heard in a movie. It says it all and I often find myself quoting it. The last week or so I have been deep in thought about a lot of things. My life, my marriage, where we are going and what the course of our family should be. There's many reasons why these thoughts weigh so heavily on my mind, but I won't bore you all with the details. I will say though that as I sit here and think my mind can't help but laugh at itself. Women are passionate. My husband would prefer the term dramatic, as most men would, but I like to say passionate.

We, as a gender, feel deeply, cry tenderly, laugh loudly, dream heartily and love fiercely. We live life with passion, we seek it out and wrap our arms around it tightly and live by it. Rosie O'Donnel said to Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle "You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie". Isn't that the truth? In the movies love triumphs over all, it is never ending and people often die for it. It doesn't seem that passionate in real life. Maybe it's reality, bills, fights over the toilet seat and toothpaste that douse that passion, but it somehow does. My heart is often full, full of love, hate, hope, fear and a range of other emotions. When I sit down and have a heart to heart with the women in my life I find that they are the same way. My daughters, my mom, my sisters, we all tend to feel and think the same way. I am sure it drives the men in our lives nuts. Sometimes I drive myself nuts.

That passion though is what drove me to get that last baby here despite the trials I went through to get her. I knew she was waiting to come and I did what I had to do to get her here. That passion is what has led me through long dark lonely nights in the hospital with sick kids, knowing forever our lives were changed. That passion is what drives me when I am faced with hardships, even when the odds are stacked against me. I keep moving forward, because I know I have to. The fierce love comes when I want to give up. The tender crying comes when my kids hurt and I can't fix it. The hearty dreams come when I need to look forward to something, to give me hope. The laughter comes all the time, if I allow it. Laughter at myself, my life, my beautiful children, even my marriage. There can be joy found in all things if we just look for it.

My passion drives me forward. I have 10 children. Several of them have medical and emotional needs that I never dreamt would be a part of my life. I could sit back and do nothing, pretending these things don't exist, but they do and I only give my kids a better chance at a happy life by going forward with them, showing them how to live their own lives with the same passion I have.

I love the movies, because it's a visual of what I feel all the time. Passion. I love music. It also is driven by passion. Hatred, love, joy and fear...all in music.

"And I love it when you read to me, and you can read me anything. The book of love has music in it, in fact that's where music comes from. But I love it when you sing to me, and you can sing me anything." Peter Gabriel

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Not gonna happen dear, sorry....

Facebook is a barrage of posts from friends and family about their lives, their days, their ups, downs and everything in between. Most days I can relate to one or most of them. People talking about their moves, their children's lives, jobs, dates, sicknesses...just about anything and everything you can imagine. I often feel like I am in the heads of all of my friends. Most times it's fun, at times it's not necessary and then there are times when I just wish I had not read what I read! The posts though that baffle me the most are the ones where cute mom's regal stories of "fun field trips" with the kids. Really? Fun? Let's explore this...

Your kids bug you for about a month in advance to try to get you to go.
"Mom, were going to the Wetlands on Sept 25th. Can you come with my class?"
My mind races with speed I didn't know existed to find an excuse not to go...
"I'm not sure honey, I will have to look at my calendar"
"Can you do that now mom, I reaaaaaally want you to go!"
I spend the next several weeks playing ping pong with my kiddo about the field trip. Honestly folks...I don't like them.

First you get a million kids together and pile them on the bus. Ok, I know it's not a million, but it sure feels that way when you get 100 or so 3rd graders together to get on a bus and head to the zoo. They are hyper and excited and I just keep wondering how many are going to get lost and how long it will take before the National Guard is called out. That many little people in one space is insane. Only to take them to a much bigger space and hope they don't go in twelve different directions. As a chaperon you chase, scramble, count heads and scream while trying desperately to sound like your being "nice"!

Once at the zoo you go from animal to animal, keeping kids off fences, out of trees and off the golf carts the zoo employees left unattended. By the time you get to lunch time it's that 4 and half minutes of everyone sitted in one place eating as fast as they can so they can get on their way. Kids don't like to be told to sit and hold still for any amount of time while on a field trip. After all, a field trip is a license to get out of school and do the things they can't while at school. Run around, touch everything and learn nothing.

By the end of the day when the kids are getting back on the bus I am ready to drop dead. I get off the bus desperately eyeing where I left my car, counting the seconds till I can get in it and run far far away. I love the kids, I love the zoo, I just don't love all the kids at the zoo being my responsibility. My own children are hard enough...half of the schools kids is just too much. When I finally get home and sit down, plug myself into Facebook via the ipad I am surprised to read what the other mommas have said about the same event. "It was fun!", "an adventure" and "great!". Really? I beg to differ. I leave those events tired, brain dead and swearing to be in Tonga the next time a field trip comes around. So when my kiddo asks with enthusiasm if I can make the next field trip it's no wonder the skin on my neck goes up, my eye starts to twitch and my stomach does flip flops. I don't like those. Kuddos to those moms that love those events, I however do not! Sorry kids....

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Seasons come, seasons go

It's officially fall. I love it and at the same time I am dreading it. Summer is my favorite time of year and everyone knows it. The coming of fall means that summer has come to an end and I have to wait another 9 months for it to come around again. Fall is a fun time of year, don't get me wrong. I love Halloween. My mom instilled that love in me and I have gladly carried that on and given that love to my kids. The decorations, the fun old horror movies and even the costumes. I love to see the creativity of the kids when it comes to costumes, and each and every year they get more and more creative. I love the fact that I had two kids in October, and Skylers birthday is even on Halloween. Needless to say, it's a good time of year for me. I truly don't mind it. It's not my favorite, but I sure do like it.

Today also marks the one year anniversary of the day we lost our last baby. 10/1/10 will always hold a sad significance for me. David Malachi is what we chose to call him and someday we will meet again. Four seasons have come and gone since that day. And swiftly I might add. Four seasons, a new baby, a kid gone to college and more countless little things along the way. Christmas came with the knowledge that we were once again pregnant and hoping things turned out better this time. Winter came with some serious struggles for us financially. Spring came with a bit of new hope, a trip to the beach with my parents and the promise of a fun summer. Summer was the highlight for me this last year. I was riddled with heartburn, anemia, a speeding heart, aching legs and feet, weight loss and constant fear...that all lent way to a beautiful new baby! Every bit was worth it...every bit and on Aug 17th we welcomed our last child into the world. Everyday since then has been filled with love, joy, contentment and happiness. A year of highs and lows.

The seasons come and the seasons go. Whether or not we want them to, they just do. I don't regret anything that's happened this last year, despite the hardship, and I am looking forward to new and better things. I have my plans. I can't wait to see where I am, we are, in four more seasons. Time marches on, and I find that I love marching with it. That way when the bad comes around, I know it will march right on past and there is good around the corner. Four seasons ago I couldn't have imagined that I would be where I am now, so who knows what four more seasons has in store for us? I guess we will just have to wait and see...