Why does it take such loss and tragedy for us to realize what we have sometimes? Now don't get me wrong, I have always been so incredibly grateful for my children. From the time I was just tiny all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. That's it. I used to pride myself on my doll collection. At least 10 maybe even 12 dolls would line my bedroom and don't be mistaken about how much I cared for all these little babies. I even had first and middle names for them all. If I loved those dolls that much imagine how much I would throw myself into a real baby.
Each and every gift was just as precious as the last. McKenna, my first. Megan my first with Jon and then Isaac my first boy. Each child came soon after the last and I have loved each and every one as much as the child before them. I don't like to put them down their entire first year of life. They are spoiled and they not only know mom's touch, but I think they would not know what to do with themselves if they were to go more than an hour without love and hugs from me.
Every baby has been a gift and even as they have grown I see the beauty that is each one of them. Joey hates any food except for chicken nuggets and cereal. Jessi's character precedes her in the neighborhood. Lots of people have commented on how funny she is. The other day when going to hop in Michelle's car for school she tripped on a scooter and fell right on her face. As she popped up she got into the car and instead of wanting to melt into the seat she said "Did you see that? I didn't see that coming...it was awesome!" I love that kid...she has the best sense of humor! Colby and his love of transformers and the way that if he ends up going to the store with me he ends up with a new car. I have the hardest time saying no to him. Lacie and her love of all things beautiful. She will be a supermodel if she has her say in life. And Abby and her athletic ability. Her flag football team went undefeated this year and her coach strongly urged her to stay in sports. I love all my kids. They have been gifts, each one of them.
While pregnant with Colby I really felt that was it. I didn't have the impression that there were any more kids for us. Eight was good. Five girls, 3 boys....it was so perfect. But then came Sky. When I got pregnant with him I admit I was surprised by what I felt. It was never panic, it was never stress or anxiety. I just knew things were going to be ok. I knew it was meant to be. He didn't come stress free though, he came with a lot of problems. His health has been in question since before he was born. His kidney's were and still are a mess. They are functioning now and they feel that they have done all they can do to improve them. His constant crying, especially at night. I was always convinced that he was in pain. He cries at night now again, and he says over and over "owie, owie". I don't know what hurts on him, but something does and I have yet to figure out what it is. He has the diabetes, which of course makes life that much more complicated, but he does ok. As I sit here writing he is putting cheese on crackers right next to the keyboard. As I write I glance at him with his beautiful blue eyes and his soft red hair. He will be two on Halloween and I will never think of him as anything but a gift.
Four babies have come and gone since Skyler came into our home. After so much loss I look at all my children different. They are all gifts. I don't own them, they are not "mine". God has trusted me with them and I hope I am doing at least an ok job loving them, teaching them, holding them. Maybe Skyler being here was not the original plan, but he is a gift....a precious beautiful gift. Maybe the last to come to our home that way. Grand kids will be amazing gifts, sons and daughters in law will be gifts...but maybe he was the last gift of my own. Maybe not. Today I feel a little more hopeful about the future. Not necessarily meaning we will have another child, but either way we will be ok.
But in the meantime I will and do see my children as gifts. They have been entrusted to me and I love them with every ounce of life I have. Skyler was a surprise gift after I thought we were done. Today more than ever I see this. Thank you Lord for what you have given me, and please hold dear what has been taken away. I trust your arms are warmer than mine.