This last week has been one of the worst for me to this point in my life. That all by itself scares me to death. People are always saying that once we overcome one trial a harder one replaces it. Please tell me it's all a lie because I never want to feel this way again, and yet a huge part of life is loss and pain. Deal with it.
I think one major point to it all though is that we heal in between the blows. We overcome, we rise above it and we heal. To Heal. What does that really mean? I find that I feel so broken right now. Not just because of the events of this past week, but the last year. Maybe even two. I have had one blow after another and I find that I am asking myself if I have truly healed between each one? Moving to this house and this neighborhood was hard. I didn't want a new home, I didn't want to get to know all my new neighbors. I just wanted things to stay the same. But being here has made such a difference in my life. I can't imagine going through what I have gone through this last two years and not have been here.
I hope Julie doesn't mind, but I have to relay one experience that seemed to start a downfall of hard times for us. Ray. The day I hit Ray Green. So so hard, so hard. But after a few weeks Julie came to my home and told me about her experience after my kids ran to her home and told her I had hit Ray with my car. She said that as she ran out of her home and towards us she just kept telling herself that no matter what happened she had to make sure we knew she still loved us. That as friends nothing would change. How many people can be filled with that much Christ like love? Compassion? Here her child was hurt and she had no idea how he was, and she was worried about us. I don't know that it could have been anyone else's child and have the mom feel that way. I am so grateful for that family and what they teach me about Christ like love. They have been a blessing.
The support we received from the friends here in our ward after Skyler was born is unbelievable. Through all of Skylers tests, through his surgery and then the diabetes they were there for us as a family. They helped out, they brought in dinners and watched kids.
Then this last year. 4 babies lost. I have a few people around here that have known about every one of them. And each time they open their hearts and homes again while I spend time at doctors offices and emergency rooms. They listen to me cry, they hold me while I shake...and never give up on us as a family.
These things have helped me to heal. The unconditional love of those around me buoy me up and remind me that there is so much more going on here than just a few friends giving us food. They love us, and that makes the difference to my soul. I find that I have fallen down at the Saviors feet and placed my pain, my anguish, my confusion and fear there and He takes them from me. So many times He does this through the people around me. I don't see angels that descend from heaven on thrones. I don't hear voices while praying to myself. I see angels in the form of Angie and Michelle with their open arms and hearts bringing me yet another meal and taking my kids so I can sleep. While crying so softly I hear the voice of my friend Polly telling me it's going to be ok and that she loves me. The Savior isn't here with me holding me while I cry, but I feel His hand on my head as my husband and Chris give me a priesthood blessing of peace and comfort. He is here, He does love me and He feels my pain. He wants to take it away, if I will let Him. I am beginning to heal.
I have a long ways to go. I still feel a stab of pain when I see a woman pregnant. I still ache way down deep when thinking to next spring. Thinking how things have changed so drastically. But the last few days I have not had to drug myself up to get through the day. I imagine if I keep praying, keep opening up to people and listen to the promptings of the spirit I will heal as much as is humanly possible. I will get there. It takes time though, and in the meantime I will answer the phone when you call, because even though it's hard to talk about my loss, it's good to know so many people care so much.
For those of you who wonder....I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if we will ever try again for another baby. My hearts wants it so much, but at the same time the thought of going through this pain again is almost unbearable. I am still working through the feelings of losing this baby, I have yet to think ahead beyond just getting through everyday. I still have bruises up and down my arms from all the needles, IV's and rhogam shots. I don't know what we will do in the future, it's still too soon to decide. I need to heal first...