I am lucky. I have two mom's. Last week when my mom found out my baby had died she came right over to love me, hug me and give me flowers. Those flowers are sitting here on my table. I don't have it in me to throw them away. I didn't get clothes, pictures or anything else to remind me of the baby, aside from a single ultrasound pic of him. Its one of the only other things I have to remind me of him and my family may have to throw the flowers away when I am not home. I can't seem to let go. Silly really...
But, she isn't my only mom. I have a mom that isn't here anymore. She's gone and the hopes and dreams of who we might have been have gone with her. Now, from what I am told she had some issues so I am not sure how she would have taken me, what she would have said, but I would have given my left arm to know. Besides...as my sister Tracy and I are always saying to each other...each one of us is screwed up, so can we really judge Susie? Probably not.
These last two weeks have made me think. I am a mom. If I were to die anytime soon so many of my kids would forget me. They wouldn't have any memory of who I was or who we were together. Skyler wouldn't remember that I call him my "Sky Boo" or that everytime I put him in his bed I lift him up to my face and I kiss his chubby little thighs. Several of the younger kids would forget me and I would be replaced by someone else most likely.
I am sure it wasn't Susie's plan to leave this life so soon. I wonder what she thought about when she thought of her children. What did she think of me? Would she have ever sought me out herself? I know she would have thought I looked just like my father...because I do. She was so good with my niece Taylor, or so I am told. Would she have been overwhelmed with all my kids? I wish I could have known. Losing another baby has been an overwhelming thing for me. I find that so many things have come into question. I no longer question my beliefs, but I still question God. Where do I go from here? Why couldn't David stay with me? Does our baby watch over us? Watch over me? As a mom my mind is always full of questions, fears and hopes. My emotions run so deep right now that I can't see straight. I think for the first time I have a glimpse of what Susie felt when they took me away. The ache is intense and the longing never goes away. My heart hurts so much for her and what she must have gone through. I know she hurt over me. I know it is an aching that never died. I understand more than ever now what she might have felt.
I wish I didn't know how she felt, and to some degree I never will. Despite the fact that I have lost babies I never felt like I had to give one away. She lost me, through her own choices, and then had to deal with the feelings of loss and pain afterwords. She and I have a connection that surpases anyone. I did not know her in this life, but we share a sense of loss. We lost each other and because of the way things played out we never are going to know each other in this life.
My only solice on this is the fact that I believe in what I do. I believe I will see Sue again someday. I believe she up there watching over us and seeing everything we do. I hope she is happy that at least the four of us have found each other. I also hope that she is there with the children we have lost. I know that I am not the only one of us that has lost a baby. I know that my three sisters have all lost babies as well. I hope that as we are here with the beautiful children here on this earth that she is in heaven with all the grandkids that didn't make it here.
I can't hold my mom here. She is gone and I can't change that. I hope that she is up there holding dear to her heart what we have lost here. Family is family no matter what. No matter what happens, nothing can change that.
"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." Agatha Christie