Why is it I have such a hard time this time of year? Every year I get somber, I start to hermit and I can't talk much about this time without getting choked up or worse yet, upset. I know it seems shallow to have such a hard time, but I do. My friends and family are constantly telling me how I get too caught up in the "money" of Christmas and I need more of the "Christ" in Christmas, but let's be honest shall we...is this coming from people that have enough and don't have to worry constantly about money, their kids, and so many other people? Maybe those people have come to a place in their lives that I haven't reached yet. Maybe I am just too shallow and they aren't. Maybe...
This time of year poses lots of challenges for my household. School starts, clothes and supplies are needed, adjustments are being made and that's just to start off the fall season. From there we have Kenna's birthday, Skyler's birthday, Halloween, Joe's birthday, Thanksgiving, Jessi's birthday, Christmas and to end it all, Abby's birthday. All of that happens between October 20th and January 5th. That's two and a half months of chaos, money, stress and who knows what else. And trust me, there is always something else! Last year I lost our baby Oct 5th. This year it was surgery for Skyler, twice! Once the end of August and then again November 8th.
Shall we put the cherry on top of the entire thing? Summer is over and the cold sets in. I am sure I don't need to say anymore on that. We all know how I feel about that. So, when I am pulling faces, telling tales and singing woes to people when they say "how are you?" with an unsuspecting smile on their face, please don't be offended. It's not you. It's not the world. It's not that I don't want to think about baby Jesus this time of year. It's me. All me! I know it, I accept it and I own it. I do not like this time of year. Sorry. The good news is that my kids are somewhat oblivious to this small fact. I smile and hug them warmly when it's their birthday. I take a ton of pictures on Halloween. I laugh, cry and have fun opening presents with the best of them on Christmas.I have most of them snowed. A few of the olders have caught on to my distaste, but for the most part the little ones are too caught up in the season to notice that I cry more often this time of year. I don't have Christmas music playing constantly. I cringe when getting online to view my bank statements. I just don't have the same kind of joy in my face as I do at other times of the year.
I wish it was different, I really do. I want to be one of those people that can see past everything commercial and see The Reason for the Season. My heart yearns to be happy this time of year, but my heart always loses and I find myself counting the days until the beginning of the year when I can then count the days until spring and summer. I guess I am sounding very pessimistic right now, but hey...let me have it. Everyone has down days, or times and I am no different. That usual "roll off your back" moment has gone and I am feeling the stress of it all. Oh well, it is what it is and I am sadly getting used to it. Feeling this way I mean. I told Polly a few months ago that the cold was coming, Christmas was coming and my depression was coming with it. Her response? "Please get medicated now so it won't surprise you later!" I guess I need to put a call into the doc! Right?
I can totally understand. Winter is sort of depressing for me too and November and December are really hard months because my John is out of work for so many weeks at the end of the year. It's all great to talk about the real reason for Christmas, but it's also a loving parent thing to want to provide for and buy gifts for a special occasion, whatever it is. Your not a bad person.
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