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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I get it!




I think I understand why. Why when things got to be too much you would hide away, and eat nothing but Oreos, and drink Dr Pepper. When that fight or flight kicks in, we can't always fight or flight and we have to just go "away" somewhere. I get it! Sometimes the deepest parts of our own minds are the best places to recede to. We are understood there. That's the safest place to be. I am on overload right now and if I could I would hide in my bedroom and let the world go one without me I would.
"Where are you Julie?"
"Nowhere."
"Why don't you come out? We need you..."
"Don't worry world, I will come out tomorrow ready to fight another day. But today I need to sit and hide. Be immature. Think of no one but me. Today I need to fly into the dark places of my own mind and let the world go on without me."
"Well, hurry up cause there's a lot you need to do!"
"I know, I know. Tomorrow."

It's days like today that I think of you. It's days like this that I want to find out what you would do. Or wouldn't do. It's days like today that I miss knowing I never got that. And for that I am mad. Today it hurts. It's not the only day it hurts. It also hurt the day Brynlee was born. Brynlee, Skyler, Colby, and all the rest. But for happy reasons. I always want to share my life with you. The ups, the downs. I will always miss the fact that we didn't even get to embrace as mother and daughter and at least tell each other how much we loved each other. Today is one of the days when it hurts the most. I know you weren't perfect Susie, but neither am I and that's the beauty of it all. Maybe after one long good conversation we could have sat back, laughed at all the time spent "wanting" all those years for someone that would have driven each other nuts for many years to come, but at least we could have had that. Instead we have nothing. Well, not completely nothing. I do have sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles that love to tell your stories. I love to hear them talk about you. Who you were, what you loved, what you hated and everything in between. So maybe you were more robbed than I was. You left this life barely even knowing that I was still alive. Sorry for that. Sorry for not being stronger when I should have been. When you were sick, I should have stepped up and spoken for both of us. But I didn't. I let those precious days go by with nothing. My one greatest regret in life. My only regret. Tomorrow I will be ok with it all again and walk tall loving what I do have, but today I want a Dr Pepper, an Oreo and some bitter tears to top it all off with. I want to talk to my mom.

Love you

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