What does it mean to me?

What does having children mean to a person? I know the "text book" definition of child bearing. I know that scientists believe all sorts of things when it comes to humans reproducing. I also know what our spiritual leaders believe. What does it mean to me though? Here is what comes to mind....

Being a mom to ten means many things....

It means when I am out and about I run to McDonalds before going home and buy two large Dr Peppers, one for me and one for McKenna.

It means my bed has not been a couple thing in years. Any number of people are in it, and laying on the floor next to it every night. Lately even Brynlee thinks she needs to co bed. Not what I signed on for folks!

It means I never get a full meal. I serve up my family first and make sure the bigger kids get seconds before I even eat my firsts. It's amazing I say that I still am fat...

It means my days are full of noise, clutter, racket, toys, phone calls and friends, and my nights are full of stress, anxiety, thoughts, worries and sleeplessness.

It means I dance in the kitchen to Lady Gaga, sing in the car with One Direction and know every Disney star by heart.

It means my shoes must last much longer than most. The kids come first, now and always.

It means every person at my pediatricians office knows me and my kids by heart. "So Julie, how is your one daughters OCD? Has it subsided?" "Yes, now I worry about my sons inability to sit still..." "Oh yes, I remember that from the last time you were here with  the baby for her check up!" No secrets between him and me these days. He knows I have gained weight over the last few babies and I know he has just recently been released as Bishop of his ward and is now plagued with Bells' Palsy...

It means I have seen all of the latest cartoon style movies, but am still waiting to see a movie with a real person in it...

It means my laundry is over abundant while my bank account in overdrawn...

It means my sister and I never tire of subjects to talk about. Kenna did this, Megan needs that, Isaac posted this on Facebook and Abby cried over that....

It means we take up an entire long bench in church and the primary would close it's doors if we moved. Ok, maybe not, but our absence sure does make a dent...

It means I need a vacation after a vacation to recover from the vacation...

It means someone eats all my chocolate and I don't discover it until I am crying, digging and coming up empty handed...

It means we have to take out a second mortgage in order to afford Christmas, but it's worth every penny of it...

It means my husband and I haven't had a date in years where we didn't get three  phone calls, six text messages and twelve loud stories the minute we walk in the door...

It means my freshly painted walls already have dings, dents and nicks in them and I haven't even closed the paint cans yet...

It means I have given up cute, fun cars in favor of large, bulky eye sores that can carry 12 people around easily...

It means any animal that comes into our home better have fast feet and a tough little hide...

It means I am told at least 4 times a day "I hate you!" and I know 4 times a day I am doing my job!

It means I never lack for love, hugs, attention and kisses.

It means my life is full of love, the kind that can push through any pain, hurt, frustration and anger and make everything alright in the end.

Being a mom to ten is a gift. I may not always feel it, show it, emulate it or shine in it, but my heart knows it and never forgets it...

Dreams come, dreams go....

"Did you always want a big family?"

I hear that question more than any other when people find out I have ten children. That along with "Are you crazy?". The latter though is most folks being facetious. At least that's what I choose to think. Ten kids. Was it always my dream? At some point when I was very tiny it was my dream. After I grew up a bit those dreams changed. That's something I have discovered as my life has come and gone, dreams come and go with it. When I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to move to Hollywood and become a movie producer. Not a director or writer, a producer. I did a lot of it in college and loved it. That dream came and went. That dream went when I married Jon and we started our family. Big families aren't really conducive with a Hollywood lifestyle. Since then I have had more than my share of dreams. Writing, real estate, sonography, starting my own business. But, there's always this huge family.

I love to hear people tell me how blessed I am. I am serious when I say that....really I am. So many people say how wonderful it is that we have this huge family and how we will love it over the years when our family grows to children, in laws and grand kids. I will say that I love it, I really do. But I also wonder if people truly understand the sacrifice it takes to raise a large family. My life has not been my own in twenty years, and will stay that way for several more. I have given up most of my dreams, short term, long term and everything in between. The time for doing certain things I wanted to has come and gone. I am not too old to go back to school, but I am too old to go to medical school. By the time I was in a position to start and finish I would end about the time most people retire. I could go back to school to do sonography, and I try to hold on to that dream, but I also realize that I still have several tiny kids that need me more than the medical community needs me. I would never want to put my kids into daycare, that's my choice. I had these little munchkins, I am going to raise them! So I put on hold what I want for my children.

Sacrifice is more than just "giving something up for something else". It's taking the needs, wants, desires and hopes of someone else and putting them before your own. It's doing something very hard, with the hope of a great reward in the end. Sacrifice is never easy, but they say its worth it. I have only gone through 20 years of parenting. I have many more to go...on through eternity, so I cannot refute or substantiate what people say is "worth it". All I can do is go off my feelings and experiences day to day. Some days the hugs, kisses and smiles are more than I need to keep going.
"I love you, mom"
"Your my hero, mom"
"I don't want to go because I want to be here with you, mom"
"I want to be just like you someday, mom"
Some days I sit and cry a bit and try to remember exactly who I was before I started this journey and who I have become while on this path. Some days I feel like a nobody, and some days I feel like a true hero. Of course it depends on the day.
"I hate you!"
"Why can't you just let me do it my way?"
"Your so nosey mom!"
"You don't get it mom, you just don't!"

Since having my last child, I have had time to think a lot about what my own future holds. I know I have so many more years of patching up skinned knees, parent teacher conferences, ice cream trucks and giggles over the antics of a sly little boy, but I also know that someday my own needs will come first simply because everyone else will be gone. They will have their own dreams to tend to, while I will left with myself. What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? It has morphed over the years and continues to do so. I will figure it out and one day I will be able to post about it, until then I wade through some serious laundry, noisy days, friends, sky high grocery bills and day to day stress. While I do it I will try to remember that this too is a dream. The dream of this home full of little feet, happy smiles, happy laughter and soft tears. This too is a dream and even though its been realized, its not nearly complete. It never will be. It will march on with me while I add to it other dreams.

Dreams do come true, I tell people all the time. Sometimes we just don't recognize it for what it is, sometimes we do....have you?