Its a landmark year for me. I have now gone longer without being pregnant than I have in more than 17 years. 10 kids. That's amazing. I have literally been nursing or pregnant for so long that Ive forgotten what its like to not be pregnant or nursing. Its a choice, and It's ok. I miss it like hell, but I know its time had come to an end.
But because of this I have spent many an extra hour cuddling this last little one, and it shows. She is stuck to me like glue. She sleeps in our bed, hates going into nursery and cries a lot when I'm gone for more than an hour. But I have to admit I am ok with all of it. I will never again hold my own little newborn, get to smell their soft brand new hair and cuddle the sweetness of their necks. Never again will I get to make all those wonderful plans and sit in the hospital with my new baby getting to know them before we go home. It makes me sad all the way around. Grand kids will be awesome, but they still won't be mine. I will have to take a back seat while my daughters and daughters in law get those sweet late night cuddles and soft moment's.
However, it was an amazing season of my life. It has been an entire dreamed realized. This new season is going to be the beginning of my season. I have a lot to offer the world, a lot to give. I do believe the Lord has plans for me that reach even beyond my own home. Not that I'm done here...my kids are all still home, except for Kenna, and I know they need mom. But, I want to start reaching for some of my own goals too. I need to do that.
Brynlee is going to know a much different Julie than my other kids have known. She won't know a pregnant Julie, a nursing Julie or anything of the sort. She is and will forever be spoiled. She doesn't have to share mom with any other babies. She doesn't have to get the boot out of the bed because of a newborn taking her space. She gets it all. She is the apple of every ones eye and they don't hold back on the amount of love they show her. They often fight over her. It's cute really...
So here I stand, at the crossroad to a new chapter of my life and I find that it's exciting. I'm not sure yet where that road is going to take me, maybe on a path that I haven't even planned on, but I am on my way to finding that path. Watch out world, I am going to reintegrate, and it may get a little weirder out there!