Every now and then I have one of those days. They don't come as often as they used to. Fewer and further between. One of those days that's dedicated to thinking about her. I know, its crazy to assume my brain even works anymore. Along with the ten kids and their crazy schedule lets add a part time night job and school to the mix. Yes, I can still think, but I warn you, it can be limited.
Today is one of those days though. Today my mind is with Susie, my biological mother. For some reason I can't steer my attention away from her. It's not a sad day though. As I was doing some homework and trying to stay awake after a two night stint stocking shelves my mind kept veering off course. Or maybe it's right where it should be. Today I write to her, as though she were here.
Just for today. Just for today you're here. You are alive and well and we are together, just for today. I am making plans for my family to come to Vegas to see our "Vegas Family", including you. We talk on the phone, you complain about the noise at my house and we make plans, the kind that everyone makes with family when they see each other only a few times a year. Dinner plans, swimming plans, plans with grand kids, barbeque's and happy simple moments. We plan, we talk and we organize, just for today.
Just for today we can talk, we can call, we can text. Just like it should be, like it might have been. Your voice is only a phone call away, and it's as simple as that. Simple, yet as it should be. We can talk for two minutes, or for hours, its up to you. Just knowing I can call and chat is good enough, its better than good enough, its perfect. "Hi, mom, whats up? What are we doing for Lisa's birthday? How's work? I love you, mom...." .....Just for today.
Just for today you can be part of "the loop". Which one of us is mad at another, which one is getting a new job, a new tattoo, or a new car. That sweet intricate nervous system that makes us what we are, and how we communicate. How information gets passed from one to another, even when it shouldn't. You can pass the rumors, or get mad at the rumor passer. For today you can act like a mom. Just for today.
Just for today you are alive and well, and irritated with us all. "Those damn kids, when will they ever grow up?". It's normal, it's beautiful, its what it should be and we never knew any different. You can ignore us, yell at us and be a normal family with us. Well, at least normal for what we are. It might be seriously dysfunctional, but its us. It's beautiful. Just for today.
Just for today I will think of you with fondness and love. For today I will try to remember the few times we got to be together and dream of what might have been. For today I will submerge myself in your love, spanned over miles and years, and think about you with all the love I have to give. I can't give it to you, but can I? I can love your daughters with all I have and all I am. For today I will adore what I have been given and never take it for granted. For today you are in my heart and in my mind.
Just for today, and everyday after this I will think of you. Only, for today I will pretend I can call and say it to you. Just for today.