My brain might just be made of mush by now. I have spent almost 19 years with kids at home, me at home with them and doing the most mindless things. Don't get me wrong, I have loved most of those moments with my kids, but non the less as I think to my own future (which is quickly passing me by) I wonder if I will even be able to go back to school. I wonder if my mind is even capable of it that is.
When McKenna was a baby it was Barney the Dinosaur, fish crackers (which were brand new on the market then) and lots of kids to play with everyday (I had an in home daycare to pay for my and Kenna's expenses). Today it's gushers, spongbob and still tons of kids everyday, only their all mine now. I spend my days bathing cute little dirty bodies, listening to Scooby Doo (that one has never gone out of style) and Diary of a Whimpy Kid, trying to keep track of the electronics as Colby likes to wander around the house with them and of course changing the occasional poopy diaper. 19 years folks, I have been in my home, with my children for 19 years. How many of you can say that you have been doing the same job for that long? My office space has changed a few times (four moves in 15 years), my employees have changed (new kids in, new kids out...or at least out to school) and of course I have changed, but nothing else has.
My days can be long, monotonous and when the once in a while trip to Walmart seems like a treat you know you have been locked up in the house far too long. I think that's why the idea of living in a climate where it can be nice more often than not during the year sounds perfect. I am not an agoraphobic....I LOVE being outside. I will sit for hours in a lawn chair on the front lawn watching the kids play. I will read on a blanket while at the park. Last year alone I spent many many hours looking for new places to take the kids on hikes. Anyone who lives north of St George in Utah knows that those things really only happen from about the middle of May until maybe the end of September, unless of course your a winter person, which I am not. So is it so terrible after raising kids in Salt Lake for 18 years that I want a change of scenery and a change of climate? I mean, seriously...I may have another 18 years to go here folks....quite a while.
But, with all of that I still have to say that I am not unhappy with my chosen profession. I love to watch Skyler do the cutest things, and love to hear him learn new words and speak them so softly with that cute tiny high voice. I love to experience these things with him the way I loved it with Kenna so many years ago, and with every kid in between. I am happy being a stay at home mom. It isn't glamorous, I will never win an award for what I do, or earn kudos from thousands of adoring fans, but I am ok with all of that because their love and hugs is award enough. I find that as my pregnancy goes on I get more and more excited to welcome a new baby into my home. This little girl is slowly but surely wedging her way into my heart and I can't wait to dress her up in cute little warm potato sacks and soft fuzzy socks. I can't wait to smell that wonderful smell of a newborns neck and play with those tiny little hands. She will be my last and I intend to enjoy every moment of it.
My life is all popsicles, Elmo and tripping over match box cars. My brain has gone soft right along with my heart over the years and I wouldn't have it any other way. My life may be stressful, hard and downright depressing at times, but it's been worth it in ways I never imagined. Someday I will sit and read a book, cover to cover without having to get up to break up a fight, or having to chase a child down the street and in some ways I really look forward to that day. In some ways I dread it. There's that perfect dichotomy again. Life is full of those. Of course, I will always be happy because I have 10 kids....surely some of them will have kids of their own and when I get too lonely and depressed I will just show up at their homes and take those tiny babies into my arms and remember why I did it all in the first place. I can only imagine what it will feel like then and it brings tears to my eyes right now just thinking about it. It will all be worth it.