The Best Medicine...

Ok folks, I admit it...I have been depressed for several weeks now. There...I said it. It's out in the open. No denial. No covering it up. No bull****. I have my suspicions as to why, and we don't need to go there, but there it is.

I will say though that even though I am not prone to spontaneous laughter and bouts of smiling lately that does not mean that I cannot produce a good belly laugh when I want to. Usually those things come easily for me and I don't need much to make it happen. I am usually a very happy person. I smile at strangers, I am a polite and patient person while at the wheel of a car and even the smallest things the kids do make me laugh, just not so much lately.

It's times like these that I find myself looking for things to laugh at, and trying to find humor where before it would find me. I have laughed though. Polly and I both have a tremendous amount of stress in our lives right now. Instead of choosing to sit around and psychoanalyze the crap out of our lives, we are choosing to send the kids to school, make yummy food and sit and watch Big Bang Theory. We don't even speak to each other, we just watch and laugh, right out loud and revel in the silence except for each others voices as we enjoy the moment. After these afternoons I am always more relaxed and find that life isn't quite as heavy as it seemed earlier in the day.

Kenna and I were playing wii the other day and we got so into it that we found ourselves laughing and screaming at the tv while the rest of the kids watched with smiles on their faces. Too too fun.

Isaac spent some time teaching Skyler "Boom, boom....firepower"...and let me tell you...that little boys is so cute it's hard not to laugh at him, or with him.

Karlee....dear Karlee. We always laugh when we are around each other. It is just what we do. However this time it was an email. Jon and I sat here at the computer together and laughed right out loud to the point where we were both in tears. I haven't laughed that hard in months. I have to thank Karlee for that. I so needed that...

Laughter is the best medicine. I know it...with all my heart. It can do more for you than a double dose of Xanax or an entire bottle of wine (sorry Lisa). It's true. I have decided that I will find ways every day to laugh and laugh hard. I will make sure I am sharing that laughter with those I love because that makes it just that much better.

Laughter truly is the best medicine and I challenge anyone who says different....

Dreams

I used to argue (nicely, more like sparring)with my dad over what life was about. We both have always had the same religious beliefs, but as to the rest of life, the pursuit of family and happiness and the fulfilling of dreams we have never seen eye to eye. He is a remarkably successful man who has spent a lifetime working hard and spending wisely which has led him to a very comfortable retirement with all of his needs taken care of. I admire him for these qualities, he is so smart and so reasonable. He has always been wise beyond his years and it shows in what he has now. But that's not what we would disagree on. I always maintained that there was more to life than that. More than the bills, more than financial security. He would prove his point and I would try to prove mine. He usually chuckled at my viewpoint because there was never any logic in it and didn't provide any constants in life. Just passion, just dream reaching, just the simple things that make a person happy, but can give true happiness. We eventually agreed to disagree on this one and we no longer joust it out. He has helped me more than words can say as far as finances, helping Jon get through school and getting us into our home. He will never know how much these things have meant to me and Jon.

What I have to wonder is if I have given any part of myself back to him. Have I given any of myself to anyone? I think most people want to share a part of themselves with the world and people do so in so many different ways. Music, art, children, sermons, dance, science and the written word. How do I fit in with this? As a young woman it was through theater and music. I was part of music groups for years, I went to Snow College on a theater scholarship and I loved those moments...every single one of them. But what about now? It's hard to keep my perspective when things can go so wrong and I have to constantly ask for help from others. I no longer am part of the theatre and I am lucky if I get an entire verse of music out in church on Sundays. I yell at my kids, complain to my friends and watch tv when I get free time. What do I contribute? I fear it's not much and that makes me sad. Where did the dreams go? Where did the time go that was on my side as a young one and now so eludes me?

I try to dream, I try to reach for the stars but sometimes it's hard just to reach for the front door of my own home to leave to take kids to school. I cry when I think of lost dreams, I cry when I think of lost hope. My dreams have changed but I have decided that I need to start to find new dreams. Things that are appropriate for my age and position in life. Dream girl......dream.

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream.

Wish you may, wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away.

Miley Cyrus

Parenting

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes, and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

Dianne Loomins

I think this summer was a landmark one for me. I think I realized more than ever the true value of my children, how much joy they can bring and that I had moved further into an adult world than I realized. We all have to pay our bills, and stand at dinner parties and act mature. We all have things that we want to teach our children, and try to do so sounding like we have wisdom and time on our sides. However, have we spent so much time in an adult world that we have forgotten what it's like to be a kid? To laugh so hard we pee our pants? Too cry so loud the neighbors can hear us? To play and use our imaginations until mommy's screaming at us to "come in for dinner!"? I don't necessarily think we need to do those things in order to connect with our kids, but there are things we can do. Playing in the swimming pool, while knowing your teaching your child how to swim while you are at it. Sitting outside at dusk, watching the stars come out and trying to pick out The Big and Little Dipper.

I tried to do more this summer with my kids. Things we would all love and want more of. I think I did an ok job. My problem now is that I miss them now that school has started. I want to pick out a cool hike and try it out. I want to sit and get skin cancer while the kids play in the pool. We all went back to school when the kids did. I am back to housework, errands and doc appointments. Next summer watch out! I have plans!

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle our inner spirit. Albert Schweitzer

New normal

Life changes every single day, one way or another. Some for good and some for bad. I have found lately that I am adjusting to a new normal so often that I can't remember what normal once was for me. Was life ever "normal"? What is normal? I am sure it's different for everyone, and most of us can relate to someone else in some way, but not anyone completely. We are as unique as the dna that makes us who we are. No two people handle things the same.

I remember very vividly the first time I had to adjust to a "new normal". Now these for me are not times when good things happen. When good things happen I don't feel like I have to "adjust". I am just enjoying life, floating along and feeling happy. The change that comes with those times doesn't feel like change as much as it feels like a relief. The first dramatic "change" would be when Kenna was born. She was feisty, loud and opinionated. But she was so good for me in so many ways that it was an adjustment that was easy. To this day I look at her with tenderness and joy. Well, most days anyway! But back to the first time I had a new normal. The day Megan was diagnosed with diabetes. We were so young, and we were so naive. We did what the nurses and doctors told us, we gave her the shots, we took her home. Not a day after we got home Jon's mom called to see how we were doing. I remember him saying to her on the phone "Are things back to normal? Well, more or less I guess." When he got off the phone he looked at me and said, "we have a whole new normal, don't we?" Doctors, shots, seizures, carb counting and a future of uncertainty and heartache. New normal. When Skyler was diagnosed last summer it was a new normal, even though we had been through it all before. He is a different child, that has different needs and has handled things differently. Megan always took the shots without flinching and never seemed phased by it. Skyler holds his little arm and cries and looks at me like "Why did you hurt me? What did I do?" I tear up almost everyday when I have to do this for him, but knowing all the while that if I don't he will die. New normal.

So many times in my life I have had to go through a new normal, and each time more stressful than the last because we still have all the previous stresses, we are just adding new ones. Job changes, new homes, new illnesses from the kids and those moments that change the way we think and feel forever. Hitting Ray Green was one of those moments for me. That's a club I could have gone without joining forever. The "I hit a kid" club. My heart is a little more fragile, I still ache a bit when I see him, even though he is fine. I don't trust my eyes on the road like I used to and when I see bikers or kids near the road I irritate everyone around me by driving like a snail in the sun.

Another one of these clubs I could have gone without joining is the recurrent miscarriage club. Not just one, or two, but three. Three babies lost. Three periods of my life when I have to wait for the inevitable, the pain, the bleeding and the sleepless nights. I am different now, for better or worse, I am different. I look at my kids differently, I see pregnant women and my eyes fill with wonder that is life. I look at a baby and am amazed at the miracle that is childbearing. I don't care what anyone says...there is a God and he did create this world. There is no way that all of this was some cosmic accident that happened to fall together so nicely. Life is on purpose and I have had to watch some of mine slip away with every baby I have lost. I hope and pray that I have felt the sting of loss enough for now.

I somehow sense that I am about to be taught another new sense of normal. Maybe it's the pessimist in me. Maybe it's just that I'm a bit depressed and having a hard time seeing the positive and happy all the time. I just hope God grants me the strength to endure all things. Walk with me now Lord, I need it.

Perfect dichotomy....

I love the definition of a dichotomy; A dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. This describes me. It really does. I like to communicate with other people. I like to talk, sort things out, hammer it out, go back and forth, discuss life and smooth things over. I like to talk to the point that I alienate my friends and family and I talk to strangers at the grocery store about the dumbest things for the longest time. But there is another side to me.

I do have this side to me that wants nothing more than to be completely alone. I want to find a beautiful beach somewhere and sit a chair on it and listen to the waves and let my mind wander, the way it can only when there's no noise, no voices, no tv and radio. I crave this kind of silence. I dream of being able to leave everyone and everything behind and disappear into the day and night without anyone knowing where I am. I have to wonder why? I see so many people trying so hard to have babies and searching for that perfect love, and here I am wanting some alone time. I am sure part of it is the fact that I have 9 kids and have been home with those kids since the first was born. I have had numerous daycare kids over the years, nieces and nephews and tons of neighbor kids. There seems to be an endless stream of people parading through my life and I will say that I love it, but I am also tired.

I am sure that I wouldn't want to make this alone thing permanent. I would just love maybe a month. Enough time to get good and lonely and start to wonder where my kids are, and how my friends are, and how my family is doing. I just need enough time to get good and lonely and want to come back to it all. I am sure that would happen because I do love the soft kisses from my children. I do love my movie nights with Jon and I would come to miss my long conversations with Lori, Polly and my mom.

Right now however, I feel very split. A perfect dichotomy. A perfect half of me wants other people around, wants that daily interaction and the noise, love and chaos. The other half of me wants perfect silence where I am completely alone. I tend to oscillate everyday, sometimes even several times a day. It's never a feeling of sort of this or sort of that...it's all or nothing. I want to be on the phone blabbing, or I want to throw the phone in the disposal and never hear it ring again. Perfect dichotomy. Split in half with no overlapping parts. Tell me people, how do you reconcile that?

School days....

"No one has yet realized the wealth of sympathy, the kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child. The effort of every true education should be to unlock that treasure." Emma Goldman

It's upon us. School days. I cannot remember a time when I have dreaded that so much as I do this year. I have my reasons, large and small, as to why I feel this way. There's the tiny reasons, like I just don't like hearing the complaint from my children that they can't find socks again. Or that they forgot their coats at school and have to borrow a siblings...only to have that sibling come unglued over it. Then there's the big things like car pool. My goodness I hate carpool. My kids have to be driven to each and every school. 9 kids divided by 4 schools and I spend half a paycheck and all day in the car. It's hard to enjoy the day to myself and my little kids when I spend most of that day taking everyone to and from school. This year is going to be particularly hard with a high schooler, two in middle school, three all day in elementary, one half day in kindergarten and a preschooler. Wow...it's no wonder my cars always break down. The very thought sends me into a tizzy.

But there's more this year. I actually don't want to send my kids away. There has been so much stress this summer that I have really taken to finding comfort in my children. There are no other people on the planet more capable of giving that unconditional love and comfort than a child. They wrap their little arms around you and you can feel it coming like huge warm blanket out of a tiny body. They love us, whether or not we deserve it, they do. I have so enjoyed them this summer. More so than most summers. This year we have been to the beach, Vegas and on day trips around the canyons. I have loved every moment of it.

The beach. That is one of the most comforting places on earth to me. This summer it was even more so with my kids to share it with. They played in the sand like they had never seen sand (I guess some of them had never seen it like that before!). They would just sit and run their hands and feet through it, baking in the warm California sun. We didn't go to Disneyland, Magic Mountain or Universal Studios. They were so content with just being on the beach. They were quiet and happy, and so was I.

Vegas. I love that town, and anyone who knows me knows that. Crazy as it sounds I love the heat, the cactus and the palm trees. It's like a second home to me, always has been. This year when we went we tried a new hotel. This one had a very yummy continental breakfast. As silly as this sounds I really loved walking down there with my kids and watching them eat like they were in a local IHOP and loving every moment of it. We never go out to restaurants. It's just too darn expensive with all of our children. So these moments were like heaven for them and me. They played in the hotel pool for hours and never got tired of it. My kids are spoiled in some ways and in so many others are not. They don't complain about not being able to do things other families do. We can't go to Disney world, on cruises and yearly trips to the beach. We do what we can when we can and they seem to love it all anyway. No matter.

Our canyons. We are blessed to live near the mountains. They are so beautiful. My kids had the greatest time going to the canyons this year to explore new places and see new things. I complained the most on the hike to Donut Falls this year. The kids marched on and loved it despite the fact that I didn't bring nearly enough water and no snacks ( I wasn't expecting such a long hike). They just pushed on with their eyes looking forward to the reward, those beautiful water falls tucked away in that mountain was all they needed.

I admire my children. They are strong like I never was. They are smart. But what I love most is their capacity to love. Every time I have a new baby the love that child receives is like it's the last child on earth to ever be born. They bring them into the family with the most amazing amount of love. Others question our ability to parent a huge family. They question our ability to provide for so many children. What they tend to forget is how these little people are with each other. When the world fails them they are there for each other. When other kids are mean to them, they are kind with each other. Now, don't get me wrong, they fight like the day is long, but in the end they are there for each other. This summer has been an amazing reminder to me of what I have right here in my own home. Just yesterday when sitting around crying my eyes out my teenager (who is supposed to be selfish and self absorbed) ran to get me hot chocolate to make me feel better.

I don't want them to go back to school. I want to be selfish and keep them right here with me. I want to love them, but I also admit I want to be loved by them. They are capable of loving the way no one can.

Become as a little child. The Savior said it best.