New normal

Life changes every single day, one way or another. Some for good and some for bad. I have found lately that I am adjusting to a new normal so often that I can't remember what normal once was for me. Was life ever "normal"? What is normal? I am sure it's different for everyone, and most of us can relate to someone else in some way, but not anyone completely. We are as unique as the dna that makes us who we are. No two people handle things the same.

I remember very vividly the first time I had to adjust to a "new normal". Now these for me are not times when good things happen. When good things happen I don't feel like I have to "adjust". I am just enjoying life, floating along and feeling happy. The change that comes with those times doesn't feel like change as much as it feels like a relief. The first dramatic "change" would be when Kenna was born. She was feisty, loud and opinionated. But she was so good for me in so many ways that it was an adjustment that was easy. To this day I look at her with tenderness and joy. Well, most days anyway! But back to the first time I had a new normal. The day Megan was diagnosed with diabetes. We were so young, and we were so naive. We did what the nurses and doctors told us, we gave her the shots, we took her home. Not a day after we got home Jon's mom called to see how we were doing. I remember him saying to her on the phone "Are things back to normal? Well, more or less I guess." When he got off the phone he looked at me and said, "we have a whole new normal, don't we?" Doctors, shots, seizures, carb counting and a future of uncertainty and heartache. New normal. When Skyler was diagnosed last summer it was a new normal, even though we had been through it all before. He is a different child, that has different needs and has handled things differently. Megan always took the shots without flinching and never seemed phased by it. Skyler holds his little arm and cries and looks at me like "Why did you hurt me? What did I do?" I tear up almost everyday when I have to do this for him, but knowing all the while that if I don't he will die. New normal.

So many times in my life I have had to go through a new normal, and each time more stressful than the last because we still have all the previous stresses, we are just adding new ones. Job changes, new homes, new illnesses from the kids and those moments that change the way we think and feel forever. Hitting Ray Green was one of those moments for me. That's a club I could have gone without joining forever. The "I hit a kid" club. My heart is a little more fragile, I still ache a bit when I see him, even though he is fine. I don't trust my eyes on the road like I used to and when I see bikers or kids near the road I irritate everyone around me by driving like a snail in the sun.

Another one of these clubs I could have gone without joining is the recurrent miscarriage club. Not just one, or two, but three. Three babies lost. Three periods of my life when I have to wait for the inevitable, the pain, the bleeding and the sleepless nights. I am different now, for better or worse, I am different. I look at my kids differently, I see pregnant women and my eyes fill with wonder that is life. I look at a baby and am amazed at the miracle that is childbearing. I don't care what anyone says...there is a God and he did create this world. There is no way that all of this was some cosmic accident that happened to fall together so nicely. Life is on purpose and I have had to watch some of mine slip away with every baby I have lost. I hope and pray that I have felt the sting of loss enough for now.

I somehow sense that I am about to be taught another new sense of normal. Maybe it's the pessimist in me. Maybe it's just that I'm a bit depressed and having a hard time seeing the positive and happy all the time. I just hope God grants me the strength to endure all things. Walk with me now Lord, I need it.