I love the definition of a dichotomy; A dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts. This describes me. It really does. I like to communicate with other people. I like to talk, sort things out, hammer it out, go back and forth, discuss life and smooth things over. I like to talk to the point that I alienate my friends and family and I talk to strangers at the grocery store about the dumbest things for the longest time. But there is another side to me.
I do have this side to me that wants nothing more than to be completely alone. I want to find a beautiful beach somewhere and sit a chair on it and listen to the waves and let my mind wander, the way it can only when there's no noise, no voices, no tv and radio. I crave this kind of silence. I dream of being able to leave everyone and everything behind and disappear into the day and night without anyone knowing where I am. I have to wonder why? I see so many people trying so hard to have babies and searching for that perfect love, and here I am wanting some alone time. I am sure part of it is the fact that I have 9 kids and have been home with those kids since the first was born. I have had numerous daycare kids over the years, nieces and nephews and tons of neighbor kids. There seems to be an endless stream of people parading through my life and I will say that I love it, but I am also tired.
I am sure that I wouldn't want to make this alone thing permanent. I would just love maybe a month. Enough time to get good and lonely and start to wonder where my kids are, and how my friends are, and how my family is doing. I just need enough time to get good and lonely and want to come back to it all. I am sure that would happen because I do love the soft kisses from my children. I do love my movie nights with Jon and I would come to miss my long conversations with Lori, Polly and my mom.
Right now however, I feel very split. A perfect dichotomy. A perfect half of me wants other people around, wants that daily interaction and the noise, love and chaos. The other half of me wants perfect silence where I am completely alone. I tend to oscillate everyday, sometimes even several times a day. It's never a feeling of sort of this or sort of that...it's all or nothing. I want to be on the phone blabbing, or I want to throw the phone in the disposal and never hear it ring again. Perfect dichotomy. Split in half with no overlapping parts. Tell me people, how do you reconcile that?