Life is ever changing....

Skyler is on the counter eating chips, I am on the computer doing everything but my chores. He is picking the music, which today is MGMT and I am actually really enjoying it. It is only 9 am. Brynlee is chasing the cat with a poptart in her hand. I am not sure if it's for the cat or herself. My older kids are off to school, lunches in hand, homework done and clothes clean. I am a pretty good mom. Not perfect, but ok.

Twenty years ago this morning never would have happened. Kenna would have been at the table, with a variety of other daycare kids, eating fruit and oatmeal. More kids coming in than going out, unlike today. She would have gotten in trouble for sitting on the counter, and I didn't even buy chips. Life changes, constantly.

Lori and I had a long conversation about change. Who we are today compared to what we were twenty years ago. Jon has changed. He looks older, carries a heavier burden on his shoulders and less money in his pocket despite the pay increases over the years. I have changed too. My weight is definitely up and my desire to do something about it is down. But there's good changes as well. I have become so much more sensitive to the needs and pain of others that at times I have to shut out the world because I can't fix it all. My heart aches when I see a homeless person begging on the street, I cry when those sweet kids on tv get surgeries that their parents can't afford and I can't even watch the UFC. Silly I know, they do it willingly, but I can only imagine how much it hurts to have someone constantly pounding on you. Ouch! My world has also changed. Not just in my kids growing, moves from here to there and people coming and going, but my world. Most people don't stray too far from the realm to which they were born. My realm has been somewhat sheltered. I have always lived in Utah, always been near my family, my kids even go to the same schools that I went to. But several years ago I was thrust, happily, into a new realm. My location has stayed the same, but family morphed into something I can't even describe. A part of my past came into the present and made my life so much more than I could have dreamed of. Lori, Lisa and Tracy are my biological sisters. They grew up so different from me, they lived a life so far from the one I lived. I have spent the better part of 16 years getting to know them, loving them and changing because of them. I am happier with them in my life, more understanding of those who grew up differently and more complete with them as a part of me.

I have changed a lot over the last several years. I try hard to change in good ways. Sometimes I need a quiet reminder, sometimes I need a sledgehammer to the side of the head, but I am capable of it. My heart is bigger, my hands are older and my hind end is wider, but it's all for good. The weight is worth what I got for it, ten beautiful healthy children. Someone said to me recently that I am the "agitator". I actually loved this. Let me rock your world and you can hate me for it, or love me for it. You pick. Polly has said several times over the years that she learned to relax with me around. I taught her how to play again. She has taught me to be strong in the face of overwhelming circumstances. It's a give give. Kara has taught me to love more and criticize less. Lisa has taught me unconditional love, no matter what. Mark has taught me to appreciate those you love despite your differences. Mike has taught me to pick myself up over and over again, no matter how many times it takes. Tracy has taught me love comes in all shapes, sizes and kinds...appreciate it all. Lori has taught me that honesty is good, love can be found in it and should be. Jon has taught me that even in my worst moments I can be loved and love those around me. He also has taught me patience. With myself more than anyone. See? I am teachable and capable of change.

Hang in there with your loved ones friends. They might be listening when you didn't expect them to. They might be caring even when it doesn't feel like it. They might change and surprise you, and themselves in the process. I know I have. I still am. Just in the last several weeks I have decided that some serious changes are in order, and I hope the people that needed that from me feel it and know how much I want to love them. If not, I am still on a better path, right?

What does it mean to me?

What does having children mean to a person? I know the "text book" definition of child bearing. I know that scientists believe all sorts of things when it comes to humans reproducing. I also know what our spiritual leaders believe. What does it mean to me though? Here is what comes to mind....

Being a mom to ten means many things....

It means when I am out and about I run to McDonalds before going home and buy two large Dr Peppers, one for me and one for McKenna.

It means my bed has not been a couple thing in years. Any number of people are in it, and laying on the floor next to it every night. Lately even Brynlee thinks she needs to co bed. Not what I signed on for folks!

It means I never get a full meal. I serve up my family first and make sure the bigger kids get seconds before I even eat my firsts. It's amazing I say that I still am fat...

It means my days are full of noise, clutter, racket, toys, phone calls and friends, and my nights are full of stress, anxiety, thoughts, worries and sleeplessness.

It means I dance in the kitchen to Lady Gaga, sing in the car with One Direction and know every Disney star by heart.

It means my shoes must last much longer than most. The kids come first, now and always.

It means every person at my pediatricians office knows me and my kids by heart. "So Julie, how is your one daughters OCD? Has it subsided?" "Yes, now I worry about my sons inability to sit still..." "Oh yes, I remember that from the last time you were here with  the baby for her check up!" No secrets between him and me these days. He knows I have gained weight over the last few babies and I know he has just recently been released as Bishop of his ward and is now plagued with Bells' Palsy...

It means I have seen all of the latest cartoon style movies, but am still waiting to see a movie with a real person in it...

It means my laundry is over abundant while my bank account in overdrawn...

It means my sister and I never tire of subjects to talk about. Kenna did this, Megan needs that, Isaac posted this on Facebook and Abby cried over that....

It means we take up an entire long bench in church and the primary would close it's doors if we moved. Ok, maybe not, but our absence sure does make a dent...

It means I need a vacation after a vacation to recover from the vacation...

It means someone eats all my chocolate and I don't discover it until I am crying, digging and coming up empty handed...

It means we have to take out a second mortgage in order to afford Christmas, but it's worth every penny of it...

It means my husband and I haven't had a date in years where we didn't get three  phone calls, six text messages and twelve loud stories the minute we walk in the door...

It means my freshly painted walls already have dings, dents and nicks in them and I haven't even closed the paint cans yet...

It means I have given up cute, fun cars in favor of large, bulky eye sores that can carry 12 people around easily...

It means any animal that comes into our home better have fast feet and a tough little hide...

It means I am told at least 4 times a day "I hate you!" and I know 4 times a day I am doing my job!

It means I never lack for love, hugs, attention and kisses.

It means my life is full of love, the kind that can push through any pain, hurt, frustration and anger and make everything alright in the end.

Being a mom to ten is a gift. I may not always feel it, show it, emulate it or shine in it, but my heart knows it and never forgets it...

Dreams come, dreams go....

"Did you always want a big family?"

I hear that question more than any other when people find out I have ten children. That along with "Are you crazy?". The latter though is most folks being facetious. At least that's what I choose to think. Ten kids. Was it always my dream? At some point when I was very tiny it was my dream. After I grew up a bit those dreams changed. That's something I have discovered as my life has come and gone, dreams come and go with it. When I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to move to Hollywood and become a movie producer. Not a director or writer, a producer. I did a lot of it in college and loved it. That dream came and went. That dream went when I married Jon and we started our family. Big families aren't really conducive with a Hollywood lifestyle. Since then I have had more than my share of dreams. Writing, real estate, sonography, starting my own business. But, there's always this huge family.

I love to hear people tell me how blessed I am. I am serious when I say that....really I am. So many people say how wonderful it is that we have this huge family and how we will love it over the years when our family grows to children, in laws and grand kids. I will say that I love it, I really do. But I also wonder if people truly understand the sacrifice it takes to raise a large family. My life has not been my own in twenty years, and will stay that way for several more. I have given up most of my dreams, short term, long term and everything in between. The time for doing certain things I wanted to has come and gone. I am not too old to go back to school, but I am too old to go to medical school. By the time I was in a position to start and finish I would end about the time most people retire. I could go back to school to do sonography, and I try to hold on to that dream, but I also realize that I still have several tiny kids that need me more than the medical community needs me. I would never want to put my kids into daycare, that's my choice. I had these little munchkins, I am going to raise them! So I put on hold what I want for my children.

Sacrifice is more than just "giving something up for something else". It's taking the needs, wants, desires and hopes of someone else and putting them before your own. It's doing something very hard, with the hope of a great reward in the end. Sacrifice is never easy, but they say its worth it. I have only gone through 20 years of parenting. I have many more to go...on through eternity, so I cannot refute or substantiate what people say is "worth it". All I can do is go off my feelings and experiences day to day. Some days the hugs, kisses and smiles are more than I need to keep going.
"I love you, mom"
"Your my hero, mom"
"I don't want to go because I want to be here with you, mom"
"I want to be just like you someday, mom"
Some days I sit and cry a bit and try to remember exactly who I was before I started this journey and who I have become while on this path. Some days I feel like a nobody, and some days I feel like a true hero. Of course it depends on the day.
"I hate you!"
"Why can't you just let me do it my way?"
"Your so nosey mom!"
"You don't get it mom, you just don't!"

Since having my last child, I have had time to think a lot about what my own future holds. I know I have so many more years of patching up skinned knees, parent teacher conferences, ice cream trucks and giggles over the antics of a sly little boy, but I also know that someday my own needs will come first simply because everyone else will be gone. They will have their own dreams to tend to, while I will left with myself. What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? It has morphed over the years and continues to do so. I will figure it out and one day I will be able to post about it, until then I wade through some serious laundry, noisy days, friends, sky high grocery bills and day to day stress. While I do it I will try to remember that this too is a dream. The dream of this home full of little feet, happy smiles, happy laughter and soft tears. This too is a dream and even though its been realized, its not nearly complete. It never will be. It will march on with me while I add to it other dreams.

Dreams do come true, I tell people all the time. Sometimes we just don't recognize it for what it is, sometimes we do....have you?

I tried to write, I really did....

I have spent the last several mintues sitting here writing. I keep starting a blog, then stopping. I think I have four new drafts, that I will eventually delete. There is so much to write about, and yet nothing seems to be coming out right. I think for now I will just post some cute pics of our summer so far and leave it at that. I can't believe we are halfway through the summer already. Not cool....it's gone by so fast I can't hardly believe it. I swear we are still sitting around waiting for our tenth baby to be born, and yet here she is almost a year old. It goes by so fast. Yesterday on our way to church I watched my older kids walk ahead of me. I am so still involved with my little kids, diapers, bottles and potty training, that it seems this time in my life will never end. But I know it will because after trying to push the stroller while Skyler pitched a fit next to it, I glanced up to see four of my older daughters walking up ahead. They are so tall, so grown up. Kenna will be twenty this year, Megan is fifteen, Abby is twelve and Lacie eleveen. I can hardly believe it as I write it. They were once so tiny, so little. I remember when Lacie was born and I thought how old Kenna was at the time. She was a whopping 9 years old. What did I know? Time has flown by, and continues to do so. My kids are growing up fast, and summer is half way done. Soon it will be cool enough for jackets in the mornings, as my kids scrounge around for backpacks, lunch money and homework. Soon I will have 8 of my 10 kids in school all day, and one of those 8 will be on her second year of college. Wow!

I have it all!

The last time I wrote, it was over my ever-deepening feelings towards my biological mom, Sue. I know not everyone knows the story behind Sue, how she came into my life after 26 years of being apart, and why we never got to know each other. One of these first days I will write about it. I am sort of waiting on that one though because I have bigger plans for that one. A lot of my writing about Sue is about how much I love her and how much I ache for how things happened. But today I chose to write about all the wonderful, positive things I got out of that, and have otherwise.

I can write about my kids till the cows come home. Jon and I and our experiences trying and trying some more to raise ten kids. Our conversations verge on funny on any given day. We have such precious little time to discuss our kids, and even less time to spend together with them, that when we catch five minutes to update each other it is ridiculous...

"So today Joe did something really surprising. He was upset over something and I had to punish him, by sending him to his room..."
"Uh oh, what happened this time?"
"Well, it was over Isaac and his friends not being nice, and uh, oh yeah..he has a camp out this weekend..."
"Joe does? Isn't he a little young?"
"No, Isaac does. He goes Friday to Saturday.."
"Friday we are going to see a movie though.."
"You and Isaac are? I didn't know that!"
"No Julie, you and I are..."
"Oh, right. Kenna won't be home to sit though."
"That's ok, we won't need it cause Abby will be here..."

And so on. One thing melts into another because we only have 10 minutes to discuss ten kids and all their goings on....

Wow, sidetracked! Back to my good stuff. Susie is my biological mom. Frances is my adopted mom. I have it all when it comes to both of them. Sue is a lot like me, or so I am told. One day when talking to my sister Lisa she was surprised to see me sitting there eating Jr Mints and drinking Dr Pepper. She told me that's what mom always loved to snack on. That warmed my heart. Frances and I are also a lot a like. We can talk until the crack of dawn and have more to talk about the very next day. The Lord saw fit to give me not only one awesome mother, but two. They each have a special place in my heart and the more I get to know Sue through my sisters the happier I am that I get at least that. She gave me so much without knowing she was even doing it. These last years with my sisters have been so wonderful. My heart is so full when I think of all three of them, each with their own sweet way of showing me how they too have come to love me. Lisa shares Maddie with us every summer. This sweet niece loves us, and we adore her. Her other daughter Taylor knows I will hang up the phone on her if she doesn't answer the phone to me with a "Love you" before we even say hello. These girls mean the world to me. Time spent with Lisa and her family is what we consider vacation. We will spend our savings, Jon takes time off work and we go down to Vegas, not for the strip, not for shows or casinos, but for my sisters and their families. Tracy and Chris always welcome us with open arms, awesome guacamole and my awesome nephew Carson. That kid is going to be a pro golfer and I can't wait until he waves to us on tv. He better mention us by name! Then there's Lori. My blab buddy, my friend, my confidant and my therapist. I think I would have gone insane this last year without her. My adopted mom has given me so much as well. I probably should mention my dad too...:) My sister Kara, brothers Mark and Mike and all their awesome kids. We spend every holiday together, laughing, talking about kids, time as kids and arguing over who gets the parents when they can't take care of themselves anymore. I think I have a leg up though cause I don't work outside the home....so ha!

My life is full of wonderful things, and amazing people. Susie gave me a future with her before she died through my sisters. I think she would love knowing we are together now. I think she smiles down from Heaven loving the fact that we are loving each other. Like Lisa would say, "It's all good!". It is all good, I got the best growing up with Kara, Mark and Mike, and now I have even more being able to add Lori, Lisa and Tracy. I do have it all. Oh my, the next post is going to have to be about all the wonderful people in my life that aren't blood related! Wow...that might a long one too! Life is never easy, but it's good and God is good. He saw fit to give me the very best family he could. A family He knew would love me, and I them.  I am tired, broke and worn out, but I have an amazing support network, fun people to share my life with and the best siblings and parents a person could ask for. I am and will ever be grateful!

My sisters Lori, Lisa and I with a dear family friend Lenny

Me and my little sister Tracy and cute Carson

Me, Michael, Mark and Kara This is an older pic, and I admit I am not quite so thin anymore, but I love this picture of us. :)

I get it!

I think I understand why. Why when things got to be too much you would hide away, and eat nothing but Oreos, and drink Dr Pepper. When that fight or flight kicks in, we can't always fight or flight and we have to just go "away" somewhere. I get it! Sometimes the deepest parts of our own minds are the best places to recede to. We are understood there. That's the safest place to be. I am on overload right now and if I could I would hide in my bedroom and let the world go one without me I would.
"Where are you Julie?"
"Nowhere."
"Why don't you come out? We need you..."
"Don't worry world, I will come out tomorrow ready to fight another day. But today I need to sit and hide. Be immature. Think of no one but me. Today I need to fly into the dark places of my own mind and let the world go on without me."
"Well, hurry up cause there's a lot you need to do!"
"I know, I know. Tomorrow."

It's days like today that I think of you. It's days like this that I want to find out what you would do. Or wouldn't do. It's days like today that I miss knowing I never got that. And for that I am mad. Today it hurts. It's not the only day it hurts. It also hurt the day Brynlee was born. Brynlee, Skyler, Colby, and all the rest. But for happy reasons. I always want to share my life with you. The ups, the downs. I will always miss the fact that we didn't even get to embrace as mother and daughter and at least tell each other how much we loved each other. Today is one of the days when it hurts the most. I know you weren't perfect Susie, but neither am I and that's the beauty of it all. Maybe after one long good conversation we could have sat back, laughed at all the time spent "wanting" all those years for someone that would have driven each other nuts for many years to come, but at least we could have had that. Instead we have nothing. Well, not completely nothing. I do have sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles that love to tell your stories. I love to hear them talk about you. Who you were, what you loved, what you hated and everything in between. So maybe you were more robbed than I was. You left this life barely even knowing that I was still alive. Sorry for that. Sorry for not being stronger when I should have been. When you were sick, I should have stepped up and spoken for both of us. But I didn't. I let those precious days go by with nothing. My one greatest regret in life. My only regret. Tomorrow I will be ok with it all again and walk tall loving what I do have, but today I want a Dr Pepper, an Oreo and some bitter tears to top it all off with. I want to talk to my mom.

Love you

Lazy days of Summer

Oh the sweet lazy days of Summer. On my way to drive to school this morning I saw a familiar sight. Kids walking to school. It's different this time of year though. They walk a little slower, as if to absorb as much sunlight as possible before entering the doors to the schools. Its almost as though their little bodies are powered by solar power and they need to regenerate as much as possible before going inside. They walk slowly, stopping to gaze at the world as it has come to life. Fun, rare bugs creep in and out of invisible homes, baby quails run from bush to bush and if you stop to listen long enough you can hear the quiet but sweet song of summer.

This is the time of year when moms have big plans to have their kids do chores everyday, read and do bits of homework to keep their minds fresh and keep a calender handy to keep kids busy. But who needs to keep their kids busy? They lay around till noon happily, dazily eating up summer nothingness. Sprinklers, lemonade stands and swimming eat up their days. Late nights playing games with friends, fire pits with the neighbors and no schedule is what the doctor ordered.

This is a time of regeneration. Taking the stress of school, tests, cold weather, being indoors and "there just isn't enough time in a day" and putting it on the back burner so that the beautiful days of summer can reign supreme. Sunlight is essential for us to live. Not only in a "global" sense, but in a very personal sense. Just like the creepy crawlies that my little boys love to watch come out, so do the people. Friends walk with friends, families take nature walks, bikers, runners and just the nature lover come out this time of year in full force and they stay out until the first snowflake falls come fall. As humans we love the healing power of the sun. I love to close my eyes, tilt my head towards it and let it sink into every part of my being, my soul. I feel like Superman, allowing the sun to power me, refill me and keep me going for another year.

The swing on our large tree in our front yard seems out of place in suburbia. It is something you would more likely see on a dreamy farm out in the middle of nowhere. The majestic tree that cradles the swing seems to stand as a beacon, loving my kids as they swing on her branches. An old rope, piece of wood and a sturdy branch remind me of what I love about this time of year. My children use it everyday, not so patiently taking turns swinging. The grass has long since given way to happy feet, and the beautiful roots of the tree jut out, as if to say "I stand here for you, I always have, I always will...climb at my feet and I will protect you!". I love that tree and everything it represents. Lazy days of summer, how we love thee....