Sometimes there are days when I can feel it coming. This morning was the beginning of one of those days. Now...unknowingly my hubby offered to stay home and be my personal slave. Now...don't get your panties in a curl...he meant a babysitter, cleaner and chauffeur. I took him up on the offer. It's a good thing I did because I found that throughout the day I felt weepy. His kindness and willingness to love me today held it at bay. Thank goodness.
I talked to Polly for a while and the subject of my 2nd miscarriage that happened in dec came up. I found that as we talked I had to fight the tears a lot. I was pregnant. I had so much hope for that baby. Especially when I had the 2nd ultrasound. My baby was small but it was there. It had a tiny heart and it was beating away...for all of us to see. And yet, as we sat in the doc's office that same day the nurse got right down on our level and talked real quiet. We knew that couldn't be good. We had a heartbeat and yet there she was telling us that we were going to lose our baby. Then we had to wait. Even 10 days later when I started to bleed I went in for an ultrasound the baby was still hanging in there. It was small and the heart rate was slow, but it was hanging in there. It was a fighter. But the odds were stacked against that little person and life was just too much for that little bean and I lost it. By the next night in the ER the baby was gone.
Today I felt that loss more than I have in several weeks. I feel as though sometimes in life things stack against us and we lose the battle. We lose the fight. I guess the thing I try to remember though through all those moments is not what I lost but what I gained through those loses. I lost my baby...more than one in fact. I have had more than one miscarriage. Three to be exact. But I will say that I have gained a love and respect for couples everywhere that have had to lose a baby. I have empathy. I cry more than I used to, but it's out of understanding and sympathy. In fact just a week or so ago I found out that someone right here in our neighborhood had a miscarriage this last month. This lady is not someone I know well enough to run over and hang out with. I don't even really want to become a better friend that what we are right now, but after finding out about her loss my heart was softened. I knew how she felt, how sad she was and my heart was opened. Now mind you...I don't think she even knows that I know, but I do and I care more about her and her family than I used to. Perhaps that's one of those things that can be gained from hard experiences is to love your family, friends and neighbors more than yourself.
I felt it coming. One of those days when I want to be held and loved. One of those days when I want someone to tell me it's going to be ok...like we do with our kids. Thy get hurt, they cry and mom and dad tell them its going to be ok. Today was one of those days. I didn't lose my hope, my faith or my beliefs, I just felt like a little kid who lost their best friend and I needed the reassurance that life would not only move on but it would provide new hope.
I felt it coming on today and it's still there. It's one of those days where I can tell I won't be sleeping tonight...I will be up thinking. Thinking about my kids, my pregnancies, my hubby and whatever else creeps into my mind. I will be up wondering about things I can't change, events that hurt and still do, but are in the past.
It's simple folks, if you see me today, wrap your arm around me and tell me its all going to be ok. Thats it...no more.