Just for today....

Every now and then I have one of those days. They don't come as often as they used to. Fewer and further between. One of those days that's dedicated to thinking about her. I know, its crazy to assume my brain even works anymore. Along with the ten kids and their crazy schedule lets add a part time night job and school to the mix. Yes, I can still think, but I warn you, it can be limited.




Today is one of those days though. Today my mind is with Susie, my biological mother. For some reason I can't steer my attention away from her. It's not a sad day though. As I was doing some homework and trying to stay awake after a two night stint stocking shelves my mind kept veering off course. Or maybe it's right where it should be. Today I write to her, as though she were here.







Just for today. Just for today you're here. You are alive and well and we are together, just for today. I am making plans for my family to come to Vegas to see our "Vegas Family", including you. We talk on the phone, you complain about the noise at my house and we make plans, the kind that everyone makes with family when they see each other only a few times a year. Dinner plans, swimming plans, plans with grand kids, barbeque's and happy simple moments. We plan, we talk and we organize, just for today.






Just for today we can talk, we can call, we can text. Just like it should be, like it might have been. Your voice is only a phone call away, and it's as simple as that. Simple, yet as it should be. We can talk for two minutes, or for hours, its up to you. Just knowing I can call and chat is good enough, its better than good enough, its perfect. "Hi, mom, whats up? What are we doing for Lisa's birthday? How's work? I love you, mom...." .....Just for today.






Just for today you can be part of "the loop". Which one of us is mad at another, which one is getting a new job, a new tattoo, or a new car. That sweet intricate nervous system that makes us what we are, and how we communicate. How information gets passed from one to another, even when it shouldn't. You can pass the rumors, or get mad at the rumor passer. For today you can act like a mom. Just for today.






Just for today you are alive and well, and irritated with us all. "Those damn kids, when will they ever grow up?". It's normal, it's beautiful, its what it should be and we never knew any different. You can ignore us, yell at us and be a normal family with us. Well, at least normal for what we are. It might be seriously dysfunctional, but its us. It's beautiful. Just for today.






Just for today I will think of you with fondness and love. For today I will try to remember the few times we got to be together and dream of what might have been. For today I will submerge myself in your love, spanned over miles and years, and think about you with all the love I have to give. I can't give it to you, but can I? I can love your daughters with all I have and all I am. For today I will adore what I have been given and never take it for granted. For today you are in my heart and in my mind.


Just for today, and everyday after this I will think of you. Only, for today I will pretend I can call and say it to you. Just for today.

Too long my friends....

Well, I hate writing like this. It's like picking up a journal after too many months, or even years and trying to catch up fast. It's not a good way to write, blog, journal...whatever. This year has been good though. We decided after a year of renting we were all done with that business, and we bought our home. It's only a 1/2 mile from the last home, but it's still right by the lake. I like that. I'm a very visual person and I need to have something that satisfies my senses. The lake will do. Our home is also probably the best we've ever owned. It suits our huge family nicely, nice neighbors and the kids seem happy in school. All the way around a good move for us, in all respects.


Megan has been at boarding school for the last 6 months, which most of you know. I don't intend to hide that fact. I share it for a multitude of reasons. Megan doesn't hide it. She has told her friends, so I've told ours. Everyone has demons they fight their entire lives, and I'm proud of Megan for trying to kick hers while she's still young. Kudos to you Megan. Most people live their entire lives running away from problems and issues and she's facing them head on. Good for her. She should be home around next February sometime. I do post pictures they send me from time to time. Watch my Facebook for those.


As to the rest of us, we just are. Working, school, working and more school. That's where most of our lives reside, and it's ok. Things will change soon enough, time to enjoy the present.


With Brynlee being the only child at home I have found myself in a unique position. I have time....time....TIME! For the first time in 22 years I have time to do what I want, or need. It's weird, and great! I am still trying to figure out what to do with that time. I am working a bit online and that feels good. Making a bit of money, getting back into the professional world. It's so good for me. I'm also considering what to do long term. I'm still working towards my non profit. After the class I went to in June in Vegas I learned that I have a lot more learning to go. Hoping to make it to New York next spring to do just that. A week of intense learning. I want to make it happen. I like doing the research for it, and I love the concept of it. For those who don't know, its a foundation to support people living with type 1 diabetes. Something that's close to my heart as everyone knows, since three of my ten kids have type 1. It's something I finally have to the time to do, to concentrate on. It's a good thing.


Well, here's to many more blogs to come. I love writing about our humor, about our ups and downs. It's what connects us all....our lives. Share with me and I'll share with you!

Its a love/hate thing...

I have a love/hate relationship with January. I really do. A new year always brings new things, new hope, new adventures. Every year since my first daughter was born I have looked forward to all the new things a year can bring. Jobs, kids, baptisms, school, moves, you name it. Last year we got the house ready and sold it. Last year brought so many new adventures I couldn't possibly name them all. With our new home came a new neighborhood, friends and a new ward. I have so enjoyed getting to know so many new people. They are wonderful. We also moved so close to the lake, and bought wave runners. Let me tell you, that's a love/love relationship. It's been an adventure for our whole family.

Three years ago I started the year with hope, but spent the majority of it in mourning. After losing two babies the previous fall, I went on to lose two more that year. It was a devastating year for sure. I never gave up hope on it, but there's no way I would want to repeat it. The very next year we welcomed Brynlee into our home. That was an awesome year. Our entire family has loved that baby like you wouldn't believe, and it hasn't stopped.

It all starts with January. I hate the cold, but love that I can look forward to Spring, trips to Vegas to see my sisters, Capistrano with my family, a nice long summer spent in the sun and time on the lake. New Years Resolutions are not my thing. I don't like making promises to myself that may or may not happen. A promise can be made June 1st just as easily as it can be made January 1st. But that doesn't mean I don't sit quietly, reflect on the previous year and wonder what the new year holds for us.

This year has started off great. Abby turned 14 January 5th. I can't believe shes that old already! Wow! Then today we got to be interviewed for a piece that's going to air on Studio 5 next month. It was an amazing opportunity and we had a wonderful day with it. The camera guy came and got some footage of our family doing what our family does every morning. Eat, talk, mingle amongst chaos and get ready for school. They took footage of all the kids together and boy did they eat that up. After the kids went to school McKenna sat down and was interviewed and after her it was my and Jon's turn. That was a fun experience and I can't wait to see ourselves on TV next month. Its a great way to start the year.

I hope 2014 holds good things for us. I hope 2014 is a fun year with more adventure than we can handle. I hope 2014 ends as good as it's beginning. I hope....

Cuddling my last...

Its a landmark year for me. I have now gone longer without being pregnant than I have in more than 17 years. 10 kids. That's amazing. I have literally been nursing or pregnant for so long that Ive forgotten what its like to not be pregnant or nursing. Its a choice, and It's ok. I miss it like hell, but I know its time had come to an end.

But because of this I have spent many an extra hour cuddling this last little one, and it shows. She is stuck to me like glue. She sleeps in our bed, hates going into nursery and cries a lot when I'm gone for more than an hour. But I have to admit I am ok with all of it. I will never again hold my own little newborn, get to smell their soft brand new hair and cuddle the sweetness of their necks. Never again will I get to make all those wonderful plans and sit in the hospital with my new baby getting to know them before we go home. It makes me sad all the way around. Grand kids will be awesome, but they still won't be mine. I will have to take a back seat while my daughters and daughters in law get those sweet late night cuddles and soft moment's.

However, it was an amazing season of my life. It has been an entire dreamed realized. This new  season is going to be the beginning of my season. I have a lot  to offer the world, a lot to give. I do believe the Lord has plans for me that reach even beyond my own home. Not that I'm done here...my kids are all still home, except for Kenna, and I know they need mom. But, I want to start reaching for some of my own goals too. I need to do that.

Brynlee is going to know a much different Julie than my other kids have known. She won't know a pregnant Julie, a nursing Julie or anything of the sort. She is and will forever be spoiled. She doesn't have to share mom with any other babies. She doesn't have to get the boot out of the bed because of a newborn taking her space. She gets it all. She is the apple of every ones eye and they don't hold back on the amount of love they show her. They often fight over her. It's cute really...

So here I stand, at the crossroad to a new chapter of my life and I find that it's exciting. I'm not sure yet where that road is going to take me, maybe on a path that I haven't even planned on, but I am on my way to finding that path. Watch out world, I am going to reintegrate, and it may get a little weirder out there!

Halloween....again???

It seems this time of year always prompts a post or two from me. It's crazy to think that its Halloween again, and then on to all the Holidays. Wow...always blows my mind. 

This year is a bit different though. Normally we would be knee deep in leaves from our big tree out front, enjoying some of our neighbors love of this holiday with their decorations and of course a house full of costumes that get worn and worn again before trick or treating has even begun. I'm not saying its a bad thing. We have new things to look forward to. The elementary school holds an annual "Hogwarts Night" every year and I have to say that was a lot of fun. The costumes are also all over the basement like usual and the kids have a bunch of new friends to go trick or treating with. It's all good...but still different. Am I ready for it?

That's a really loaded question. Financially, no, no and hell no! But then again, is anyone really ready for the financial stress that is the Holidays? Dare I say probably not. Otherwise, I think I am ready for it all. Trick or treating in a neighborhood with so many kids ought to be fun. I better stock up on candy. Thanksgiving will be new this year too. Jon and I are going to have our own Turkey with just our little family right here. I love the smell of a turkey cooking and look forward to mashed potatoes and gravy and all the fixings. We might go to my folks on Friday for a second dinner, but otherwise new again. Maybe we will find a fun hike or place to go too. New traditions can be wonderful! And Christmas....well....the kids have gone round and round as to where to put the tree and we have a proper fireplace to put stockings on. For some reason that excites the kids to no end! Change can be hard, but it can also be so good. 

Despite the new changes and all, we do miss our old stomping grounds. We stopped an ice cream by to Ray Green yesterday to say Happy Birthday and we were so so happy to see Brent Palmer while we were there. Sweet Jessi started to cry when she saw him. She said she was coughing hard and had tears from that, but I don't recall one cough...sweet girl! She and the Palmers had a very special relationship and I think she's missed it more than any of us. We also miss the yummy left over treats they always had....bummer. I am very grateful for Facebook so I can keep up those friends because otherwise who knows? I am so bad at keeping in touch with people. Should be something I work on. 

So the goings on of the season are so much the same, but so different at the same time. I am excited to have new adventures, meet new people and who knows where life will take us from here? I never was one to be super happy with sitting in one place too long. I love to keep going forward, going on and experiencing new places, people and things. But, such a huge part that I take with me is all the people we left behind and the place they have left in my heart. Palmers treats on a Sunday afternoon. Michelle McRae sitting with me during Skyler's surgery. Crying my heart out with Tanya Brimhall in church over our lost babies. The many tears Julie Green and I shed together. The late night Facebook messages with Angie Derieg. Watching with smiles as Mary Lindsay would chase her dogs down the street. My best friend living right around the corner. I am loving the change in our lives right now, but know that each and every one of you goes with us on our journey, in our hearts and our minds. Forever. 

Better late then never!

I know, I know...it's been way too long since I posted last. I guess life just got away from me for a while there! So here it goes....

By the end of April the house was ready to sell. We put in on the market and then went on vacation the very next day. We had a couple people go through the home and by the time we were on the beach in Capistrano we had one of the couples going back and forth with us on offers. Long story short by the time we got home the middle of May our home was under contract. Our lives were such a whirlwind after that I don't remember much to be honest. We packed and cleaned like our butt's were on fire and by the time the kids finished school we were out. It happened that fast. I think my mind is still reeling from that alone. Well, our new home in Santaquin, that took us weeks to find and secure, wasn't going to be ready until July 1st so we decided to take a nice long vacation in St George. The condo down there was gorgeous, spacious and just what we needed after two straight months of chaos. We swam three times a day for several hours at a time, we sat around, drank Dr Pepper and played around town. It was quiet, low key and wonderful! Watching the bats at night while sitting on the patio, basking in the warm sun by day and making weekend trips to Vegas is what the doctor ordered for a very tired family. The weekend before the 1st of July we packed up our meager belongings and headed back to Salt Lake to get the moving process going again. After a weekend at Grandmas we got all ready for Santaquin....and then....

We found out by our PODS guy that there was still someone in the house. Like...what??? Our stuff was there and the owners were not out. NOT GOOD! So, after sending our stuff back to PODS and talking to the leasing agency we decided we had two options. Stay in an empty house in Spanish Fork until the middle of July, or go looking for something else. So we looked. We only spent two days looking and two days later we were starting to move into our new home. It happened that fast. We looked, we found out we could have the house as soon as we paid the deposit and we moved in! We just knew it was meant to be...so here we are now, lakeside in Saratoga Springs. We are loving this location, impressed with the schools and excited to be here. The home is beautiful, although we do need to finish the basement so that Isaac no longer has to sleep in the loft! But the owners will work with us on that one, thank goodness.

So, we got moved in, and then we thought...."How can we live one block from the lake and a marina and not have any water craft?"...so, our big splurge this summer was a few used wave runners. Let me tell you, that brings me to a younger, crazier version of myself when I get going really fast on glassy water with the wind blowing in my hair! The kids have loved them! And by the kids I mean ALL of us!

This place is beautiful, it really is. It's a nice place to hang our hats for a few years. Are we going to stay forever? Maybe, maybe not. I still think our family will eventually end up down south, maybe it just wasn't the right time yet. I think the Lord knew I was going to have a hard time staying up north, but being lakeside, in a quiet community where my kids can be bussed to school might stave me off for a few more years. Here's for hoping anyway! I promise to post some more about the details of life, our pursuit of happiness and all that jazz later....but not too much later!

The funny moments...

Stress....we all have it, own it, live in it, swim in it and some even love it. That's a commonality we all share. We also have humor. Some have lost it, some never had it, some don't like it and some live in it. I personally love it. Laughter is the best medicine and no one will ever convince me otherwise.

This last few months have been wrought with stress, anxiety and even some depression. With our the diagnosis of Colby it's a bit more than I felt I could take. But....I had to remember to laugh, because that's what I do. That's who I am. That's what I love. I love to laugh with people, at them and despite of them.

Jessi. That child more than any of my other children has been gifted with laughter, and being able to make others laugh. Her self made movies on my ipad usually bring people to tears, happy tears. I seriously need to upload some of them to YouTube and watch the world laugh with us. She wanders around the house talking to herself and if you listen closely enough you will not be able to help yourself...she is just too funny.

The other day Isaac was throwing Brynlee around. Yes, literally. He is almost 15 and loves to wrestle, and Brynlee is just too tempting a target. Who wouldn't want a live, wriggly little thing to throw, toss and jostle? Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she doesn't. Just the other day she learned a new word. We were all in my bedroom and Isaac comes barreling in with Brynlee held high above his head. He throws her down on the bed and is about to attack when she puts up her tiny hand in front of his face and yells "STOP!". We all stopped what we were doing and burst out laughing. We had no idea she could say this word let alone us it in context. Even Isaac loved it. Of course then everyone had to torture her in various ways for the next 10 minutes trying to get the same response. Funny to some, maybe not her though....

Driving home from Walmart yesterday. Being in the car is so dang funny. You see people picking their noses, singing at the top of their lungs, talking to themselves, yelling at their kids, fighting with each other, you name it. Our car always has a "circus" feel and I am sure is very entertaining for anyone sitting next to us at a light. Well, there we were next to Storm Mountain Park waiting to turn left. Megan glanced down at the car next to us and the lady glanced back up at her. She gave Megan a death look. Megan automatically assumed she was a snob.
"Mom, that lady just glared at me, like geez, what did I do but look at her. What a jerk..."
"Come on Meg, she might be a snob, but maybe she's tired, or stressed, or just got bad news. You don't know..."
As we are having this conversation we see a little person in back seat, yelling, laughing, shouting..and I thought, boy do I know how you feel...
Then, all of a sudden we see these little feet. Clearly there was another child we didn't see there and he/she had their feet all the way in the air. He was also sitting backwards and upside down. That kiddo was in a position to put their feet flat on the back window. We all saw it at the same time and I said...
"Well, clearly that child isn't restrained properly..."
Laughter, loud and from every person in my car. I am sure she could have heard it. But it was so funny I couldn't help it. Maybe because too many times have I glanced in my rear view mirror to see any number of body parts that shouldn't be visible if the child were restrained correctly. Butts, legs, backs and of course feet. Maybe it was because too many times have I been so tired I thought, "I don't care what you do, JUST BE QUIET!". Maybe too many times has someone else looked at me and thought, "Wow, what a snob" When in fact I am just too dang tired to smile. Maybe...

Laughter is the best medicine. I know people who have forgotten this. I know people who never knew it and I pity them. I laughed when Polly told me she took a nose dive at school while several young kids looked on with pity. I laugh when I think about the time I fell ALL the way down the stairs at my mom's house, with my dad looking on saying "are you okay?". I laugh all the time when my kids say something funny, even if it's inappropriate. I laugh knowing that Bethany Schumann has an incredible sense of humor that I didn't even know existed, and that she laughs at me as I tell her I would starve if I had to eat out of her pantry... like, where's the ding dongs woman???  I just love to laugh. Bring on the funny, I am all for it!