I am forty today. The big 40! Old I say! Old! It's days like this that I have to sit and think about my life, where it is, where it's been and where I am going with it.
I have no delusions about where I am in my life. I had so many dreams when I was little. I wanted to own an equestrian park...with lots of horses, horse shows and of course the occasional reporter that would write a story about my dreamy life. I also dreamt of having a home full of children. Lots of girls, lots of boys and a cute hubby that played evenings and weekends with the kiddos. When I was a teenager it was all about the stage. I wanted to be a huge producer in Hollywood. I wanted fame, fortune and lots more reporters that wanted my amazing story.
Now...here I am. Forty years old and one of those dreams has been realized...the kids and hubby. As an adult though I have come to realize that dreams come with a price. They are not free. You hear of famous people, with their money and rich lifestyles...and all their problems. Jail, drugs and abuse...they tend to go hand in hand with fame. My dream of a large family is all that I had hoped it would be. But then again it has come with bumps in the road. When I dreamt of this huge family I never really thought of the problems that would come with it. I never dreamt of the times that I would have to yell so loud that I lost my voice. Or the diabetes. I didn't really have it in my plan to have two of my children diagnosed before they were even a year old. It's not always easy...but it is what I wanted. Lots of girls, lots of boys and a home full of cute kids and lots of laughter. It's not always nice and dreamy...but it will stand as a dream realized.
However, as I look down the barrel of almost half a century on this earth I look at more than just that one dream. I have come to realize that we all have small dreams along the way. I had always dreamt of knowing who my biological family was. My mother and sisters. I have come to realize that dream. It's wonderful and amazing...they are the most awesome people and my life has been enriched by them being in it. I wish I could say the story was perfect though. It's not. I didn't get to really allow my mother to hold me as her daughter before she died. I didn't get to tell her about my life and we didn't get any time together as mom and kiddo before she was gone. That's a dream that will never be realized and I have to come to terms with that.
So what about the dreams not realized? We all have them. I did not become famous in Hollywood as a producer. To be honest with you I don't really mind. I think it would have been fun, but at the same time it would have come with it's price. I seriously don't think a family of nine kids would have worked parallel to a Hollywood lifestyle. But what about the small things? I think those are the things the hurt the most, and end up giving the most reward at the end of the day. A summer day when the weather is perfect, the kids are happy and content, we spend a day at the park and then have dinner on a blanket on the front lawn. While the kids swing and ride bikes I sit in a lawn chair and write in my journal. Is it silly to say that's a dream realized? It's a smaller dream, just "for a day" kind, but still a good one.
I think my point is that as I turn 40 I have come to realize that dreams can mean so many things. Big things and little things. The gray area is much larger than it once used to be. Me and Jon getting a date where the kids have no problems and our cell phones remain silent...sweet! A dream can be for my kids to spend time with their cousins that they love so much, and they get along so well with...so sweet! A dream can be us getting through Christmas without anyone going without...so so sweet! I am more open to what my dreams can be. I have better eyes now. Wiser heart. Boy, there is hope for me. Imagine where I can be in another 40 years assuming I don't go insane before then? :)