I think we all do it. I think it's in our nature as human beings. We sometimes get selfish, self absorbed and "it's all about me". I know I do it. I think that things are about me. I think I deserve all the attention the world has to offer me and then some. I take life for granted. I am sorry to say that I often get put in my place. But my question is why do I have to keep learning this particular lesson over and over again?
I have been very self absorbed as of lately. I have been thinking a lot about myself. There have been a few things that have come up that I have been trying to deal with and there are days that I haven't done a very good job of dealing. There are days. But then there are days where I am reminded that there is a greater power at work here than myself. There are people all around me that are also going through such difficult things, and I didn't even know it.
One moment when I was gently but firmly put in my place was when I got in the accident with the little boy next door. I had driven up and down my road for 3 and a half years...I had pulled out of the driveway, never with a problem. Then came Aug 4th 2008 and I had a life changing experience. My life and Ray's life were intertwined...just for a moment. I felt so small and so powerless as I sat there with his small head in my hands, bleeding and broken. At that moment I was not taking life for granted...I was scared and small and in need of something bigger than myself. I was taught...I still smile everytime I see Ray and his cute smile. I still tear up a bit when I watch him walk by, knowing we both experienced a miracle that day.
I spent some more time at the courthouse today. But today was a little better. I wasn't able to get the copy of the records like I had wanted, but I was able to look through the papers. Most of it was the adoption decree that my parents had signed. But there was one paper that stopped me in my tracks. One paper that made it all worth it to me. The paper that my mom signed on June 1st, 1970 giving away her rights as my mother. Giving away her child to someone else. I just sat and stared at that for a moment. I felt small again. I felt like there were bigger powers at work there and my heart ached for Susie. There was her signature, giving up her rights to "baby girl Grimm", and I felt like so many of my problems were small and selfish. I have never had to go through the pain of losing a living child. I loved her even more in that moment and my problems seemed smaller and more managable.
Then after getting home from the courthouse, and taking care of Kenna (she had her wisdom teeth out today), and making mac and cheese for everyone, including Kenna's friend Jake, I decided to get on the computer. I like to browse a sight called "Just Mommies". I have made friends there, mostly through my miscarriages and the journey I have had with those loses. There are some amazing women out there in the world and it's been uplifting to share my hardships with people that have also had those same types of loses. But today I had another moment. When I got on there I found that one of the women who I became friends with during my last short pregnancy was having problems with her current pregnancy. I have read her blog and have been following her story becuause it's an inspiring one, and a heartbreaking one. She lost conjoined twin boys at only 16 weeks, and then suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Now she is 21 weeks pregnant with another little boy and she is in the hospital trying very hard not to have him. If he is born now he will only live a minute or so. He is just too small to live. I was humbled with this news. This sweet couple have been through so much, have lost so much and don't have any living children and here they are trying not to lose another baby. My heart ached again. I have prayed for them. Brandi, David and Baby Evan...going through so much.
I have said it before, life is just hard sometimes. I had an emotional day today, but not in a bad way. In a good way. In a way that has taught me and continues to teach me to love the people around me...as much as I can...and then some more. My children, my sweet husband, my sisters and brothers, my nieces and nephews, my parents, friends. Everyone. I do have one amamzing quality, and for those of you who know me well,you know I don't have the best self esteem, but I will admit freely to this quality, my love for others knows no bounds. I love people, I just do. Allow me to do it and you will be surprised with me. That is one gift of the spirit that I have discovered about myself....my love knows no bounds. Through this I have found that I often take life for granted, but not for long. It turns around when I hear about someone elses life story, someones elses struggles and triumphs. In those moments it's impossible to take life for granted...it's just too fragile and short.