Window to my soul...

Everyone has something. Something that inspires them. Something that makes them cry, laugh and feel really alive. For me it's music. I have watched Polly truly sink herself into her novels. Both writing and reading. I have a painting on my wall of a beach in Hawaii that her sister Lori did for me....that's it for her....art. For Jon it's exercise. He loves it...and wishes he could do a little every day. Wow...more power to him! For my daughter Megan it's animals...she would be so content if we lived a farm....but for me it's music through and through..


I cry every week in church. I try not to, I can't help it. It can be so embarrassing...really. I try to hide it because good grief...it's almost every week! It's not always a sad crying...just crying. It's just that music is the window to my soul. You can know exactly how I am feeling by seeing what is currently playing on my ipod. And it changes everyday.


Some days it's classical. Some days it's show tunes. This week it's Glee music. Man do I love it. I love to dance with my kids to the newest music they listen to. One of my personal favorites right now is Jason Derulo....man I like him. I also have always loved Black Eyed Peas. But at the same time my ipod is filled with music from Peter Breinholt and even some Motab. I just love music...all of it...

Today I realized that my ipod had sat in my ear so long that I actually had an earache. So what did I do? I just moved it to the other ear. I can't have it in both ears or I can't hear the kids trying to kill each other. Now some days that's ok, but most of the time I have to be able to hear what they are doing because if not it might mean that my baby gets caught in the middle of the murder session and I might lose a good kid.... :)

Music is most definitely the window to my soul....well that and writing. I don't consider myself much of a writer....I just do it because it makes me feel good. But I love my music. Next time we are in church together, glance over to me and see if you can catch a tear in my eye..I am sure you could. Mother's day is the worst. When the kids all get up and sing to their mom's I always lose it...it can be so embarrassing...

If you ever want to set me into a certain mood...just pick the kind of music that would go with that mood. It works every time!

Blindside....

I think everyone can say they honestly have been blindsided at least once in their lifetime. I know I have. Many times in fact. Some moments are bigger than others...some more memorable.

Some of the moments in time where I was blindsided were good moments. Not all of them bad. Late May 1996 when my sister Lori called me out of the blue "I think we are sisters"...that was a good moment...awesome in fact. One that I hold very dear.

Then there's those that I can't say I am as fond of...those that have me still reeling. Again, late May this time 1998...when sitting in the emergency room with Megan thinking to myself that I was overreacting and she was fine. She just had a cold and I was going to look stupid and overprotective. Well...within the hour my eleven month old baby had an IV in her head and was being put into an ambulance headed for Primary Children's Hospital. It took her body 4 days to stabilize she was so sick and it has taken us the last 12 years to try to get a handle on the diabetes, but even that eludes us at times. Just a week ago we had 5 paramedics in our home at 4 in the morning while Megan had a massive seizure due to the diabetes.

Fast forward from May 1998 to July 2009. This time I saw it coming...but was helpless to stop it. I had signs from Skyler for a few days that he too was developing that horrible disease, but I guess I spent a few days in denial. One morning he woke up with all the same signs and symptoms as Megan did and there we were again...at Primary Children's Hospital for 4 days....while we and his body got used to the new routine.

Now, just so everyone knows...these moments were hard, very hard, but happened non the less. It is what it is and we move forward each and everyday as though we knew it was going to happen and it was part of the plan. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Rise above it? These are not the only moments in my life when I got a curve ball when I didn't see it coming, but these are two of the most significant.

I have to recount one more that turned out to be a good one....In December of 1995 I was just breaking up with my boyfriend and trying to decide what to do from there. I was thinking of not working anymore and going back to school. As I prayed about it I got the distinct impression that I needed to prepare for marriage and more motherhood.....how weird is that? I just broke up with my boyfriend and I had no more guys in my life. Within one month that all changed. Jan 15th, 1996 I met Jon we were engaged May 24th and married Aug 7th. Talk about being blindsided. That Christmas I pondered the events of the past year. I broke up with Mike, met Jon, married Jon and was then half way through my pregnancy with Megan. Ever since then life has sort of felt like one huge blindside.....14 years of babies, hospitalizations, stitches, broken bones, 5 moves and anything and everything in between.....

Luckily most of the moments when I have been blindsided I have been so grateful they happened. Good things have come from them. Good things!

I knew it was going to happen...

It's not done yet....it's a work in progress. My kids are growing up. I knew it would happen, one day at a time. I still remember so vividly the days when I would send McKenna out the door to the bus, pregnant with Lacie and close the door to the house and look down at those other three little faces and think..."wow, your getting so big!". That was an eon ago...at least it seemed it.

This year marks some huge changes in my kids. McKenna will be the big 18 this year! Holy cow! I will be a parent to an adult. That is so weird to say. She still has one more year of high school, so it won't seem like she's all out and on her own or anything. But still....Then there's Megan...she will be a teenager. Of course she has been acting like one for years. Isaac will be 12 and will get the priesthood in July. Exciting! Jessi starts Kindergarten and Colby starts preschool. Landmark year for my family.

For those of you who are wondering (which is probably everyone) we are not pregnant right now. Will it happen again? I have no idea. I never thought I would have problems getting pregnant and I always assumed I would have to take drastic measures to make sure it never happened again, but with these last 9 months....and three miscarriage later...I have no idea what's going on with my body. Yes I know...it might be life telling me it's time to stop. I will let you all know if and when things change.... :)

But the kids. I am so happy to see them growing so well. They are smart (although a little mouthy at times), gorgeous (unless they are screaming at me and Jon), happy (mostly....) successful little folk. I love them and I have more or less enjoyed raising them. It's been fun.

Now, don't peg me for one of those moms that seems to make parenting look graceful. I am such a klutz when it comes to this stuff. I tell them to knock it off, threaten to throw them out windows and yell across the neighborhood about thumping skulls if they don't get home right now. (No, we don't live in a trailer park...but sometimes you would think I came straight out of one. Funny thing is that I was raised in a very nice upper class neighborhood where my dad and mom never spoke like that to me. Maybe they should have....I might have understood that language....) I am a pretty good mom. I love my kids and I try to do right by them...try being the optimum word. Despite my downfalls, they are growing up and all too fast I say.

Love them. They are great. Tomorrow I will wake up and post about my first kid getting married...and then I will really feel old!

The Get Away!

Everyone loves them...those anticipated wonderful getaways. I recently had one. Boy those things are good for the soul. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my children. When I am gone I do genuinely miss them. I will say though that I need some times away to get myself together again. I am a mom and a wife, but I am also a woman, sister and friend.

So I recently took a trip to Vegas to visit 3 of my sisters. It was wonderful. Polly and I packed up her mustang (Never again. Those cars are nice to look at....I hated driving it all over Vegas!), and sped off into the sun, to go to Sin City...

When I go to Vegas without the family I always stay with my sister Lori. She does not have any children and therefor is the smartest place to stay. Best choice. Not that I don't love Lisa and Tracy as much as Lori...but they have kids. That is what I had just spent 7 hours worth of driving to get away from....kids! Lori's house is the best option. Plus the company is great....truly!

We go out to eat, we drive, we veg and hang out, we bug my sisters and hit some casinos for some fun that you can't have here in Utah. (Don't panic anyone...I only lose a little money...you can take the woman out of the mom at times, but never the mom out of the woman. I could not rationalize losing more than about 40 bucks!) But it sure is fun to be somewhere other than my own kitchen sink doing dishes or under my toilet scrubbing pee off the floor. Money, lights, food and great company are what it's about in Vegas and I like to enjoy the atmosphere when I am there.

After getting to sleep in, showering when I want to and eating food that does not have backwash in it from other little people I pack up to go home. I actually like this part. For there are two things I learn from these getaways....#1 I love to go away and spend some time getting to know myself again....enjoying simple pleasures and #2 I love to go home to the hubby and kids because when all is said and done I wouldn't trade that life for anything. I just need a breather from it every now and again!

Love ya Lori, Lisa and Tracy for humoring me on these ventures! And Thanks to Jon for taking over so that I can not worry about the kidlets while I am gone!

It's a big one...

I have many flaws. Many. One of them though is my mouth. It just does not know when to shut up at times. I love to talk. I love to write. But there are times when it should shut up and times when I should not write what I do.

You know it's bad when the kids have a problem or an issue and the first thing they say is "Please don't tell anyone this!" "Of course honey, why would I?", "Mom...you tell everyone everything..." I am sorry to say that its too often true. Where did I get this quality? I have no idea but it often gets me in trouble.

I think some of it comes from anxiety. I talk to alleviate my own stresses. I talk to calm myself down, I talk to put to rest my fears. Then I take it one step further and I write and write and write. I write in my journal everyday. I write on office...at least a couple times a week. I even text like I am a teenager....then there is this blog. I only write here 4 or so times a month. Only.... :)

Maybe there is something I should be doing with all of this because if you ask me what my talents and interests are it never includes writing. Singing, being friends, handling lots of chaos...and so on. But never writing. I think I should take a writing class and do something with all of these thoughts, emotions and rantings and write a book...maybe even make some money. I have plenty of topics...my kids, my life growing up, my adoption....you name it. Plenty of material.

If you ever come across a writing of mine that makes you wonder how crazy I am, or makes you think you might never want to talk to me again, just try to keep in mind the source and take it with a grain of salt....it's just me!

Spring Break!

I think the term "Spring Break" is very apt. I mean...what else do the kids do but break all the rules, break mom's heart and home and break everything while they are home for 5 days in a row? Yum yum...I can't wait. However, I will say that I am very happy that there is no homework for 5 days. (Anyone who thinks that homework ends when you graduate is wrong when you have kids. It starts all over again with them. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now!) I am also very happy that I don't have to load everyone in the car at 8 am and take them to school in a snowstorm. I am also happy I don't have to hear about the fact that I have not washed their "favorite" jeans and their backpacks are missing. I really do like it when school is out for a few days.

This time is going to be interesting though. Not only do we have spring break for 5 days, but we also have general conference this weekend and don't forget Easter. Rarely do we have all three end up on the same weekend. I am not really sure how it's all going to go. I might really enjoy all of it at once, but then again I may be pulling my hair out by Tuesday. Conference is always fun because our tradition is to get a bunch of new jigsaw puzzles and sit and listen to conference while we do puzzles together. It's our way of keeping the masses happy and we still get to hear conference. Well...I guess we know what the Easter Bunny will be putting in the kids baskets this year...right?

On that note I have a funny story....so I thought I had this wonderful hiding place for candy and whatnot. Hanging on a bag in my closet. So Lacie walks up to me one day and says "Mom, I want one of those marshmallow eggs in the closet...K?" "Um, no Lacie those are for something else..." "Can't you just get more for our baskets?" Ok, so I guess they don't believe as strongly in a huge bunny that runs around hiding baskets and eggs. I mean is that so much more far fetched than a round old man riding around in a flying sleigh with flying reindeer jumping down chimneys giving out gifts? I guess so....

Well, as Colby sits here at 8 am crying to me because I won't let him have ice cream at 8 am I am thinking it's gonna be a roller coaster of a weekend. Some high points some low points with lots of screaming along the way. I do think however that as we charge into next week we will think even with the low points that it was a good weekend overall. At least that's what I am hoping for ...