It is what it is

Lisa and Lori are saying it all the time. It's kind of caught on in the family. No ones life is perfect. No ones. Some peoples problems are more apparent than others, but no one is without trials. It is what it is.

I have had my fair share of problems in my lifetime. Too many to count really. Now I know that I am not special this way, everyone is in the same boat. This weekend I found myself back at Primary Children's Hospital with Megan. I have to say that every time I am there with one of my children I am taken off of whatever high horse my butt may have been sitting on and brought right back down to reality. That hospital has a feeling about it. Despite the sorrow and hardship there is an overwhelming feeling of hope and peace there. Every corner you take you find a sweet child that is in pain and a parent whose pain can't be counted on a scale, but is just as real. There's a kinship there. No matter what language you speak, no matter what color you are there is an unspoken understanding that passes from parent to parent, eye to eye as we pass each other in the hall that faith is not lost, hope can grow strong and love can conquer anything.

This morning Megan and I went for a walk. We had to take it slow because her strength wasn't back yet. We went out to the patio on the third floor and immediately we both stopped as soon as the sun hit our faces. After being locked up for more than a day in the hospital room to machines and a bed we loved the feel of the sun on our faces...it felt so good. We wandered over to the fence and gazed out over the valley. It was a beautiful quiet sunny morning and we didn't need to say a word to each other to know how the other person was feeling. I happened to glance across at another teenage girl doing the same thing we were doing. She was hooked up to IV's, tubes and a wheelchair. As she looked at me the look in her eye was striking. It made me tear up. As I stood there fighting the tears I realized I was losing the battle. I cried for every little child in the hospital today. Every young child that hurts and longs for home and happiness was in my heart at that moment. I tried to stop the tears and couldn't, it was beyond me in that moment.

Why? Why did our children have to hurt so much? Why can't I take away their pain and just leave laughter behind? Why did I get to take my daughter home when so many parents leave that hospital without children, leaving a part of them behind and having to move forward without their little ones? I can't answer that except to say it just is. It is what it is. I thank the Lord everyday that I have been blessed with the ability to love my child so dearly and so deeply when they do hurt. Any of them. how is that possible? It just is what it is...

The mountains....

I know I never stop complaining about the weather here in Utah. The truth of the matter is that I hate cold weather...everyone who knows me knows this. I don't like driving on icy slushy roads. I don't like 15 coats, 10 pairs of boots, gloves, hats and scarves all over a very small entry way all winter. Digging out the car every morning in order to drive the kids to school. Hoping and praying every single day for months that I will catch a glimpse of the sun that day. It's all so depressing to me. I have made no secret of the fact that I want to move to a warmer climate.
But despite all of that right now I am completely content. The weather is warmer and the canyons are beautiful. I have made several trips up there already this year. I have actually done more in the first month of the summer this year than I had done all summer last year. I have been trying to figure out why.

We have taken the kids to Silver Lake for a walk around the lake. We have taken a hike to Donut Falls. We have taken drives through the canyons just to drive and see the beauty. I have spent several hours on the computer looking for other places to go. I currently have at least three on my list of things to do and see. I want to take the kids to antelope island, East Canyon and a campground up American Fork Canyon. It all sounds wonderful to me.

So why am I so in love with the mountains when I am trying so hard to leave them? I don't really have an answer for you. I know as a family we will eventually move. Not today...not tomorrow....but eventually and maybe my heart wants to get it's fill before we do. Maybe after spending months with ice and snow I am just so excited to see the green trees and beautiful water falls and rivers that I want to get my fill before it all turns to ice and snow again. Maybe it's all of the above. I know I have always loved being outside. Camping, hiking, bike riding, swimming...they all have been at the top of my list of favorite things to do. I love sitting outside while the sun sets and enjoy the warm evenings. I love all kinds of landscapes from desserts and their spectacular sunrises, to a gorgeous sunset over the ocean. Mountains are majestic, and they seem to loom over our valley as though they are there to protect us, to watch over us and I love them for that. I hope to instill some of that love to my children. Teach them of the beauty all around us and try to respect it while enjoying it. Maybe it's the Blackfoot Native American in me...I love it all...

Either way, I am loving being outside right now and if you want to tag along let me know, cause we love the company. :)

The fourth...

Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year when my driveway gets covered with burn marks, noise reigns supreme and the kids like to throw "snap ems" at each other. Jon and the kids all love it just the same. They like to buy as many fireworks as our budget will allow and spend the days leading up to and after the 4th burning through them all.

The routine is pretty much the same every year. We invite a bunch of family and friends over. We pull out the fire pit and go to town on hot dogs and mallows. Before it even gets dark we pull out the spiders and parachutes. Those are the fireworks that the go off sky high and the kids chase down the spiders and parachutes. Once those have been exhausted and its barely dark enough the others come out. Fountains, flowers, tanks and pagodas. We burn and burn until all the fireworks are gone and we are left there, sitting in our lawn chairs in the dark wondering what to do next. This is a yearly tradition and for the most part we love it.

Now, mind you, we always have one little person that is freaked out and will stand alone in the house by the window totally afraid of the showers of sparks. Last year it was Colby, the two previous years it was Joe. Then there's kids like Ian who try to carry the fireworks around and screams like a fire engine on a rescue. That kid has no fear....we have to watch him really close.

At my in-laws home the biggest kid around is my father-in-law Kent. He sets up some tin can rocket launchers and meticulously teaches the kids how to get the most height. He loves those and the kids love them with him. I think they might be illegal...but non of us cares...they are just fun.

I have to admit bbq's and fireworks on a warm summer evening has to be one of my favorite holidays. No pressure, no stress, no shopping in the freezing cold trying to make an empty pocket book stretch....non of that. Just showers of sparks, lots of family and friends and my favorite time of year....not just summer...but summer nights. Love it, love it, and love it more.

And when the fourth is over we sit back and wait a few weeks and start all over again. We celebrate the 24th of July with the same exact routine. That day is Utah's Pioneer Day...the day in 1847 that Brigham Young and the first pioneers made it to Salt Lake....so bring it on....all of it! It's my favorite!

Trying to figure it out...

I have the worst anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows that. I never sleep. Late nights are the worst. I lie awake late at night worrying over any little thing and every little thing. My kids, my finances, my relationships, even my lost cause pets at times.

I tend to find some peace in old movies, sweet romances and action thrillers. I love all those movies and for some reason they tend give me comfort and quiet my mind like nothing else can late at night.

I do acknowledge that I need to figure it out. Figure out why I don't sleep, figure out why I worry so much about things when I should be regaining my strength for the next day of kids, questions, bare naked bums that need to be washed, laundry and loads of dishes.

It did dawn on me tonight that maybe one of the reasons I spend my nights up is that my mind is so completely full of the basics of life during the day that I never get the chance to work anything out in my mind. I never get the chance to worry over anything, or work anything out during the day. There is just so much going on, and so many demands on me that I just don't get the chance. Night time is it. This is my chance to let my mind wander, let my mind absorb everything that went on during the day and try to work through some of it.

I haven't made note of whether or not this is all worse during the summer when all the kids are home or not. I will admit this summer I have been impatient and preoccupied. Now I truly think most of this has to do with the remodel. I honestly believe that when its all done...which should be within the next few days, my life will calm down considerably. The kitchen is the hub of the home and when it's in disarray it makes life so much more difficult. My kitchen is finally almost where it should be, and should have been from the day we moved in. It's finally not only livable but really really nice. That alone is going to make my life easier. And since I got most of it painted yesterday it truly is almost done. Just a few details. I love it!

Back to me and my rambling mind. For my kids sake I need to figure myself out. Figure out why I am losing sleep and making every ones life more difficult by being tired all day long. I need to figure out why my mind can't rest when it needs to be and is going a million miles an hour.

Maybe it's just that this is the only time of day when I get a turn on the tv? That might just be it....

A night off

I finally got it. A night off. I will say that I guess I have needed one more than I thought. Day before yesterday Polly came over and after spending 20 min here she looked at me and said "Boy you could use a night off". Really? What was your first clue? The constant twitching? Yelling at Jessi cause she wanted to know where her clothes were? Oh, maybe it was when Skyler got hurt and I didn't seem to much care. That must have been it! Yes...I needed a night off.

Now, this was not an easy task to accomplish. First we had to get the kitchen sink hooked up. And when I say we I meant Jon. Our countertops are in and we needed to get the sink hooked up so that we could use it. Once that was done I had to get Jon, Isaac and Joe off to the Father Son campout. There was another hour at least. Got Jon off ok and then it was on to myself. I made a trip to Ikea first to get some barstools...no luck. They didn't have what I wanted. So I gave up on that and moved on to my outing.

Now, you might think this is the easy part....just leaving. But noooo....first I get myself ready. I really don't think I should go out to The Commons to see a movie in my jammie pants, with Skylers cherrios stuck in my hair and I surely need some deoderant by now. So, I get all that done, put on decent clean clothes and spend ten minutes finding my purse. I give 10 suggestions to the three baby sitters on what they can feed the other three kids for dinner. A quick rundown on who they should let in and who they shouldn't.
"Don't let anyone in"
"What if grandma comes over?"
"Well, that's ok, but noone else"
"What if it's Brother Palmer?"
"Ok, well that's ok too.."
"Well, what if it's Angie?"
"Guys! You let in the people you know you are safe with ok?"
"What if you left your keys at home? Should we let you in?"
Hahaha, very funny guys....Five more minutes on what to tell people when they call, five minutes to go over the fact that if they take the kids outside they have to watch Skyler so he doesn't wander into the road, I have to go over at least ten rules...like NOONE is allowed on the roof, you have to turn off the burner if you cook something and you can only order one movie On Demand. Then there's the basic intructions on who goes to bed when and where, what time I'm going to be home, where I am going to be and what my cell phone number is (like they ever forget!)

Now, after going through all of this and more I finally get off to see that movie and get that precious time off....but it's no wonder that once that movie starts and the lights go down that I just simply pass out...my life is exhausting!

The bottomless pits

What is it about hot weather, swimming pools and sunshine that brings out the food monsters in children? I go an entire winter and think "Wow, they ate a lot of food today", and then get to summer and think I have 20 kids instead of 9. They never stop eating...never! They eat twice as much in the summer as they do in the winter. I probably spend $300.00 a week on food in the summertime. They will eat their meals, they will eat snacks and I will wake at 2 in the morning to a random noise that ends up being one of the kids digging through cupboards stating they are "starving to death".

Now, in all fairness I will say that they are more active in the summertime. They do swim, ride bikes, hike, play ball and run from inside to outside back to inside again, just because. But active enough to rationalize twice as much food? Maybe...maybe not.

There are times when they are just bored. When kids get bored one of three things happens...they get naughty, they complain and whine to mom constantly or they eat. I wonder, do I do that when I get bored? Hhmmm...thats a topic we can explore another time. Naughty...yes! My kids are pros at this. There are so many things that I don't even want to know they have done. Things that should warrant a tattle tale phone call from a neighbor. Why don't we avoid that subject? Whiney and complaining...I try to block these moments out when they happen so let's not drudge that up. Food. There are so many reasons to eat. Stress, happiness, celebration, sadness, every special event possible involves food...and of course boredom.

My kids are really bad about eating when bored. They don't know what else to do, so they eat. They don't want to go outside cause it's too hot...so they eat. They are watching tv and need so be using their mouths...so they eat. They are hurt and need comfort...they eat. Friends come over and you guessed it....they eat. Good grief folks we could have fed a small third world country with everything they ate today. I need to either become a psychologist and drive them into the ground with therapy to solve this, become a tyrant and not let them near the kitchen or become Martha Stewart and get super creative about summertime so they are too busy to eat.

But before I do all of that I am going to sit here, finish writing this, pull out my journal, grab my bag of peanut m&m's and veg. I mean it is afterall summer...

Plans coming together...

I had a friend recently post of facebook that he loved it when a plan comes together. Don't we all love it when that happens? I know I do...so must you. But unfortunately they don't always do that...or do they?

Last Friday morning I was talking to my sister on facebook and she was telling me how one of her daughters was on a plane headed to Salt Lake to spend some time with her friend here. I said "why didn't we think to send Maddie with Taylor and she could have stayed here at my house for the weekend? She could have flown home with Tay on Tuesday..." Well...I guess it wasn't too late for that so Lisa got on the Internet, got Maddie a ticket and threw her on a plane that afternoon. It came together so nicely and we got to have her all weekend, and Lisa had some precious time alone. Plans that came together...nicely.

The going home plans. I was supposed to pick up Taylor Tuesday morning and take her and Maddie to the airport. Now sounds easy enough...truly. Not! I spent a half hour trying to get directions to get Taylor...and ended up with Lisa getting directions for us. When I heard how far out west Taylor was I had to go into overdrive, or we were gonna be really late. So Maddie and I rushed. We got on the road and let me tell you...every single road in Salt Lake is under construction right now. I wish I were exaggerating, but I am not. Every single stinkin road! So it took me far longer to get all the way out west to get Tay than I had originally planned. We got to her friends house, hugged, got her stuff in the car and headed out. Now, since I had not planned such a long trip to get her in the first place I had to keep spying nervously at the gas gauge as it was dangerously low, and at this point in the trip there was no easy place to stop for gas. We were already late, remember? So, we get all the way to the airport, pull into the parking garage and Taylor gets a phone call from Lisa.
This is all I heard...
"Hi mom...we just got to the airport."
Small pause,
"What? The flight was cancelled? Are you kidding?"
It only took a minute or two to figure out that no one was kidding. So, we knew it was going to be a while at least, so we headed home. I was very nervous that all three of us were going to end up on the side of the freeway waiting for a ride. Somehow we got off the freeway and to a gas station without any more problems and that's when it was decided that they would stay another day and take the flight out the next day, same time.

I was actually ok with that. That meant I got one more day with Maddie and at least one day with Taylor. Both the girls were happy to stay one more day and my kids were on cloud nine when I drove up with both girls in the car instead of just myself. So although it was a major pain in my backside, it all turned out great. Today when I loaded them up, things went much more smoothly. We had gas in the car, I had both girls with me and we made it to the airport in time to stop and get lunch together before they had to board their plane. Smooth as silk, no hiccups and off they went.

Just this morning Polly said "I love it when a plan comes together". Of course we all do. But what I ask is this, even when we think plans aren't going as we want them to, is it always a bad thing? Sometimes it is...surely. But then again, every now and again they don't turn out right, and we are glad they didn't. I have a friend who has a saying that I like..."If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans..."

I like it... :)