We are just days away from December. I can hardly believe that. I was reading a post from a friend of mine on her own blog about the peace and quiet of this time of year. Or at least it was the time of day she was outside, and she was enjoying it. This time of year can bring peace, love, service and contentment. For me this year it is a roller coaster. A day or so ago I was feeling very at peace with all that has happened, and don't be mistaken, I still do. But that doesn't mean that I don't hurt still.
In September of 09 I lost my first baby. It was early on in my pregnancy and I think my thought process was one of "I have had nine perfect pregnancies...I guess my luck had to run out sometime". So, I thought that was it. My experience with losing a baby, a pregnancy. Boy was I wrong. I was pregnant right away again and this time I thought I would have a baby out of it. Surely I had learned what I needed to learn, and this time I would have another perfect pregnancy. Just not so. We spent weeks hoping and wondering with one ultrasound after another telling us that things "didn't look good". On December 10th I began to lose my second baby. This one hurt so much I thought I could go to bed and not wake up for a month. Christmas was clouded with pain, and I tried to look forward to new things.
Fast forward to January. I had a conversation with a friend that sort of rocked me. I told her I would try "one more time" and that would be it. I couldn't stand the thought of losing another baby and I wouldn't allow myself to be put through that". Her response? "You can't give the Lord ultimatums". I was taken back by her response. She was honest, yet firm. It made me think. We went ahead and tried again, and there we were again pregnant, only to be told the exact same thing we were told in December and by the end of February we were losing another baby. This time I was somewhat numb. I didn't know what to think and how to feel. We ran away to St George the weekend we lost the baby, and I am sure it was my way of masking the pain of what was happening.
Fast forward again to July. Pregnant again. This time things were different. The baby looked good, the heartbeat was strong and he (as it turns out) was growing like a little Loutensock weed. It was beautiful and I thought we had walked over hot coals, but it had paid off with a beautiful baby on the way. At 13 weeks his heart just stopped, I had a d&c and I was left devastated. My heart ached so badly that I didn't think I would ever feel normal again. I sobbed like a baby when I went to see baby Maycie and Angie in the hospital just a few short weeks later, giving her the clothes I had bought for my own baby saying "I am not going to use them, you might as well". It still brings tears to my eyes.
One year ago is when this journey began. One year ago I was a different person than I am today. I have experienced more pain in one year than I ever imagined I would have to. 4 lost babies, months of anticipation, hope and faith laid out, and loss after loss. Heartache after heartache. I am at peace with what's happened, I can never get those babies back in this life, maybe the next, but not now and I may not understand why they were taken away, but I will say that doesn't change my love for them. The joy I did have when hearing their heartbeats and see their tiny bodies forming. The joy of knowing they were inside of me, even for a short time is a pure and precious joy. But for all those reasons I hurt. I ache to hold just one of those babies in my arms right now. I ache to smell their sweet necks and kiss their tiny noses, soft dimples on the bottom of tiny feet and the chubbiness of the cute little hands. I would love to have that right now, and I know I can't. Am I at peace right now? Yes, I am. Am I pain free though? No, pain I do know, I know all too well.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
What a week
This has been quite the week. This year for the first time since the schools went traditional we have had the kids home all week. Canyons district needed some budget cuts, so they cut out a few days of school. I am actually ok with this. Now normally I would be tortured by the fact that the kids were home all those extra days, but as of late my heart has changed. Read this summers posts and you will see. Things are different now. So here they all are, home all week, indoors due to the bitter cold, playing wii, making messes, playing in forts and eating everything they can get their hands on; and I am ok with it all.
This week always holds a torrent of emotion for me though, and it's not just this year, it's every year. I love Thanksgiving. It's a simple holiday, no more fuss than to just bake and bring yummy food to our parents homes and eat it. There can be no better holiday than that. I personally think this is what Christmas should be, but just with a few holiday jingles and a service project added. We went to my mom's house this year for Thanksgiving. It's truly beautiful there this time of year. The ponds they have in their backyard are nearly frozen, with just a few patches of clear ice to see the trout through. But the waterfalls are going strong and it reminds me of being in the mountains near a stream during the winter. The icicles are hanging all around your head near the waters edge while you peer down trying to get a glimpse of the fish. The pine trees are huge and majestic and seem to have always been there. Like watchtowers over the yard and home. During the summer my kids make homes in the branches, climbing higher and higher. Yet, those trees don't scare me the way the ones in our yard do. The branches of the pines are strong, they don't sway like they do in the maple and cottonwood trees. They seem to have been created to be there for kids. My kids. I have many pictures of my kids amongst these trees.
After dinner we played games. My kids are finally old enough to enjoy this with me and Jon. Jon and I are huge game players. We have had many couples over the years that would play with us on a friday night as opposed to going out. We have dozens of games and have spent many hours playing them. With the kids though it's different. We laugh till we cry and there are no hard feelings, no arguments, no criticisms. We just play, laugh and spend time together. To be honest I do not remember the last time I laughed that hard. But then it was time to go and we went. Home to digest the good feelings, the warm food and the day of fun.
Then friday comes. I do not like black friday. It is a constant reminder of what I don't have and I admit I am trying so hard to put it out of my mind. Black friday has been created by the industry to bring in revenue, money and business. Christmas people...come and buy your gifts for Christmas...spend money, more money and then money you don't have. I am trying to rise above it, move away from it. We have nine kids and I have never regretted having those nine kids. But, with one modest income it can be so hard sometimes. The kids often go for weeks with holes in their shoes, until we can buy new ones. That is just one of the many things that living in a large family comes with. I struggle between loving and being grateful for what I have, and wanting to be able to do more for my kids. I struggle between the world and the spirit. The world has so much that I want to give my kids, but he spirit has everything.
This year is different than most years, I admit though. I don't feel angry at the season as it approaches like most years. I feel at peace. This year instead of coming up with money to go shopping, we took the kids to a movie. Time together was so much better spent than using that money for a few gifts. I don't think the kids will get much this year, but I am not upset or nervous about that for the first time in years. We will get enough, but I want my kids to give. We are talking about what we can do as a family for service. We have plans to go to Primary Childrens Hospital to give some of the kids there are few gifts. I want my kids to understand the beauty of that place, while knowing and understanding the heartache and pain of it too. I want my kids to understand what they have, not what they feel they don't have. I am so humbled every time I spend time there and it is my hope that my children feel the spirit there the way I always do.
This year is different. I have come to peace about so many things in my life this year. As a family we have gained more love and more understanding of each other. We have spent time together and we have loved every moment of it. We have lost babies this year and have cried together and had hope together. My children have grown this year. They are different people, more compassionate, more aware of those around them. I think I might be doing something right...maybe a bit. I pray I am.
This week always holds a torrent of emotion for me though, and it's not just this year, it's every year. I love Thanksgiving. It's a simple holiday, no more fuss than to just bake and bring yummy food to our parents homes and eat it. There can be no better holiday than that. I personally think this is what Christmas should be, but just with a few holiday jingles and a service project added. We went to my mom's house this year for Thanksgiving. It's truly beautiful there this time of year. The ponds they have in their backyard are nearly frozen, with just a few patches of clear ice to see the trout through. But the waterfalls are going strong and it reminds me of being in the mountains near a stream during the winter. The icicles are hanging all around your head near the waters edge while you peer down trying to get a glimpse of the fish. The pine trees are huge and majestic and seem to have always been there. Like watchtowers over the yard and home. During the summer my kids make homes in the branches, climbing higher and higher. Yet, those trees don't scare me the way the ones in our yard do. The branches of the pines are strong, they don't sway like they do in the maple and cottonwood trees. They seem to have been created to be there for kids. My kids. I have many pictures of my kids amongst these trees.
After dinner we played games. My kids are finally old enough to enjoy this with me and Jon. Jon and I are huge game players. We have had many couples over the years that would play with us on a friday night as opposed to going out. We have dozens of games and have spent many hours playing them. With the kids though it's different. We laugh till we cry and there are no hard feelings, no arguments, no criticisms. We just play, laugh and spend time together. To be honest I do not remember the last time I laughed that hard. But then it was time to go and we went. Home to digest the good feelings, the warm food and the day of fun.
Then friday comes. I do not like black friday. It is a constant reminder of what I don't have and I admit I am trying so hard to put it out of my mind. Black friday has been created by the industry to bring in revenue, money and business. Christmas people...come and buy your gifts for Christmas...spend money, more money and then money you don't have. I am trying to rise above it, move away from it. We have nine kids and I have never regretted having those nine kids. But, with one modest income it can be so hard sometimes. The kids often go for weeks with holes in their shoes, until we can buy new ones. That is just one of the many things that living in a large family comes with. I struggle between loving and being grateful for what I have, and wanting to be able to do more for my kids. I struggle between the world and the spirit. The world has so much that I want to give my kids, but he spirit has everything.
This year is different than most years, I admit though. I don't feel angry at the season as it approaches like most years. I feel at peace. This year instead of coming up with money to go shopping, we took the kids to a movie. Time together was so much better spent than using that money for a few gifts. I don't think the kids will get much this year, but I am not upset or nervous about that for the first time in years. We will get enough, but I want my kids to give. We are talking about what we can do as a family for service. We have plans to go to Primary Childrens Hospital to give some of the kids there are few gifts. I want my kids to understand the beauty of that place, while knowing and understanding the heartache and pain of it too. I want my kids to understand what they have, not what they feel they don't have. I am so humbled every time I spend time there and it is my hope that my children feel the spirit there the way I always do.
This year is different. I have come to peace about so many things in my life this year. As a family we have gained more love and more understanding of each other. We have spent time together and we have loved every moment of it. We have lost babies this year and have cried together and had hope together. My children have grown this year. They are different people, more compassionate, more aware of those around them. I think I might be doing something right...maybe a bit. I pray I am.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thank heaven for...
Lots and lots. I have a lot to be thankful for and I know that's the train of thought this time of year for most of us. The big things are oh so obvious and we all list those off when we are asked, especially in a public forum..."My home, my family, my income, food in our bellies and the cars to drive", but what about the little things? I think I am going to dedicate this post to the little things that we often overlook while looking at the big things.
My cell phone. I know most of the teenagers around me might say this one also, but my reasons might just be a bit different than theirs. I am so grateful the Jr High can call me when Megan's blood sugar is out of control and they can get me no matter where I am. For that matter, all of the kids schools and let me tell you, I have had my fair share of phone calls and I am grateful that I am able to be reached. My sister Tracy. We talk almost everyday via text and I am not sure how I would feel if we went more than a few days without "touching base" with each other. Silly, but true.
My eyes. For some reason this one has been on my mind today. I love the blue of Megan's eye's, I love the grin on Skyler's face when daddy comes home, the pure white of fresh snow and the bright orange and pink of a perfect sunset. But blue would have to be my favorite. When at the beach this summer I spent a huge amount of time just staring. Staring at the blue water, the white waves and the black fins of the dolphins as they swam by. I cannot imagine living never to be able to see any of these and so many other things again.
My ward. These people have become my second family and without them I would have been lost at times. Twice this last week I ended up at the hospital with kids in the ER. Both times the friends around us were there to bring in dinners, call with concern, come over with help and take the kids. I love to go to church every week because I know who I will see there and it's so comforting to know that they are people I can call friends. It's like that extra blanket you throw on your bed on a cold night, just the thing you needed to make the temperature in bed just right.
My fingers. Silly? I think not. They are what are enabling me to type this tonight. They tell me when something is too hot, or too cold. They caressed my baby's face as he was sleeping in my arms tonight. I can wrap them around a soft hot doughnut that is such a yummy comfort on a hard day. Tiny buttons on cute frilly dresses, shoe laces on my toddlers super hero shoes, the ribbons I put in my daughters hair (if she allows me to put them there), the buttons on the phone, the "open/close" tab on the 409 cleaner, the scroll on my ipod and so much more. Have you ever thought of how many things you use your fingers for and what you would do without them? Seriously!
All of you. My friends, my sisters and brothers and my family. Most everything else could go away and be lost, but the people in my life are what make my life. Every sibling, every parent (yes I have more than some!), every friend, my spouse, my 9 living children and even my 4 angels. Even those precious 4 lost babies. I am so thankful that I got to have them with me, even if it was for too short a time. I love you all and am thankful like you don't even know and understand.
I am sure I could go on and on and think of so many more things to be thankful for. Right now I am thankful that most of my kids are in bed and I can go to bed myself because my eyes are burning, my fingers are tired and the people in my life are asleep now. Good night my sweet friends. Let's hope I can dream sweet dreams and have one more thing to be grateful for tomorrow morning.
My cell phone. I know most of the teenagers around me might say this one also, but my reasons might just be a bit different than theirs. I am so grateful the Jr High can call me when Megan's blood sugar is out of control and they can get me no matter where I am. For that matter, all of the kids schools and let me tell you, I have had my fair share of phone calls and I am grateful that I am able to be reached. My sister Tracy. We talk almost everyday via text and I am not sure how I would feel if we went more than a few days without "touching base" with each other. Silly, but true.
My eyes. For some reason this one has been on my mind today. I love the blue of Megan's eye's, I love the grin on Skyler's face when daddy comes home, the pure white of fresh snow and the bright orange and pink of a perfect sunset. But blue would have to be my favorite. When at the beach this summer I spent a huge amount of time just staring. Staring at the blue water, the white waves and the black fins of the dolphins as they swam by. I cannot imagine living never to be able to see any of these and so many other things again.
My ward. These people have become my second family and without them I would have been lost at times. Twice this last week I ended up at the hospital with kids in the ER. Both times the friends around us were there to bring in dinners, call with concern, come over with help and take the kids. I love to go to church every week because I know who I will see there and it's so comforting to know that they are people I can call friends. It's like that extra blanket you throw on your bed on a cold night, just the thing you needed to make the temperature in bed just right.
My fingers. Silly? I think not. They are what are enabling me to type this tonight. They tell me when something is too hot, or too cold. They caressed my baby's face as he was sleeping in my arms tonight. I can wrap them around a soft hot doughnut that is such a yummy comfort on a hard day. Tiny buttons on cute frilly dresses, shoe laces on my toddlers super hero shoes, the ribbons I put in my daughters hair (if she allows me to put them there), the buttons on the phone, the "open/close" tab on the 409 cleaner, the scroll on my ipod and so much more. Have you ever thought of how many things you use your fingers for and what you would do without them? Seriously!
All of you. My friends, my sisters and brothers and my family. Most everything else could go away and be lost, but the people in my life are what make my life. Every sibling, every parent (yes I have more than some!), every friend, my spouse, my 9 living children and even my 4 angels. Even those precious 4 lost babies. I am so thankful that I got to have them with me, even if it was for too short a time. I love you all and am thankful like you don't even know and understand.
I am sure I could go on and on and think of so many more things to be thankful for. Right now I am thankful that most of my kids are in bed and I can go to bed myself because my eyes are burning, my fingers are tired and the people in my life are asleep now. Good night my sweet friends. Let's hope I can dream sweet dreams and have one more thing to be grateful for tomorrow morning.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What can I do?
I am very well aware of what I can't do. I am not capable of curing cancer. Without the resources and knowledge we would all die of cancer cause I couldn't do a darn thing about it. I will never be a gold medalist in track and I would have to worst looking house if I tried to design and build one myself.
But what can I do? I know I can listen. I may not always be as receptive as I should be, but from experience I can be an ok listener. I have been able to bring nine kids into this world without much trauma, although it seems that ability has left me. I guess I never really thought about the fact that some talents or gifts would only be temporary. I was a baby making machine for a long time, and now my body just can't do it anymore. But when I was in those baby years I got them here relatively easily without thinking too much about it. I can write, and this ability has not always been here. I also recognize that this gift is one that needs to expanded on. I have a long ways to go before I am where I want to be, but I think I am on my. When I was in college I was really good at writing poetry. I loved to do it, and it came easily. Not so much anymore.
What else can I do? Listen to lots of chaos without going to crazy, play the middle man quite easily and I think I can truly forgive like no one else can. Only a few times in my life have I held a true grudge on someone, and let me tell you, they deserved it. I love people too. I guess that can go along with the grudge thing. I genuinely care about others, unconditionally. Last Halloween my neighbor explained to me that they were not going to have candy for trick or treaters because her mother had died suddenly the day before. I cried with her on the sidewalk that night. I had never met her before that moment and I have not spoken to her since. But I did care how she felt that night and I was honestly sad for her. I can also sing. I still do, and I have found that this gift is one that comes and goes per my willingness to do it. I can go years without singing a note, and then pick it back up quickly.
My point? I think I have some things to offer this world...maybe not a lot, but some. I just felt like every now and then we need to see the good in ourselves. There are so many times that we choose to not love ourselves, or we are so hard on ourselves. Every now and again we need to see the good we have to offer not only those around us, but the good we for us, ourselves. What can you do? I would love to hear!
But what can I do? I know I can listen. I may not always be as receptive as I should be, but from experience I can be an ok listener. I have been able to bring nine kids into this world without much trauma, although it seems that ability has left me. I guess I never really thought about the fact that some talents or gifts would only be temporary. I was a baby making machine for a long time, and now my body just can't do it anymore. But when I was in those baby years I got them here relatively easily without thinking too much about it. I can write, and this ability has not always been here. I also recognize that this gift is one that needs to expanded on. I have a long ways to go before I am where I want to be, but I think I am on my. When I was in college I was really good at writing poetry. I loved to do it, and it came easily. Not so much anymore.
What else can I do? Listen to lots of chaos without going to crazy, play the middle man quite easily and I think I can truly forgive like no one else can. Only a few times in my life have I held a true grudge on someone, and let me tell you, they deserved it. I love people too. I guess that can go along with the grudge thing. I genuinely care about others, unconditionally. Last Halloween my neighbor explained to me that they were not going to have candy for trick or treaters because her mother had died suddenly the day before. I cried with her on the sidewalk that night. I had never met her before that moment and I have not spoken to her since. But I did care how she felt that night and I was honestly sad for her. I can also sing. I still do, and I have found that this gift is one that comes and goes per my willingness to do it. I can go years without singing a note, and then pick it back up quickly.
My point? I think I have some things to offer this world...maybe not a lot, but some. I just felt like every now and then we need to see the good in ourselves. There are so many times that we choose to not love ourselves, or we are so hard on ourselves. Every now and again we need to see the good we have to offer not only those around us, but the good we for us, ourselves. What can you do? I would love to hear!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Beauty and The Beast
I remember the first time I saw this movie, right as it came out. I was pregnant with McKenna and I went to the theatres at Trolly Square and watched, completely alone, and loved every moment of it.
Disney. I don't care what some people say about "damsels in distress" and weird phallic symbols. They have entertained us and our children for years with shows that contain music instead of bad language. Vibrant scenery instead horrible bloody violence. Good characters with good lives instead of drugs, sex and whatever else the movie industry is trying to put into our heads. I love Disney.
My favorite was The Little Mermaid until Beauty and the Beast came out. But there are others. The Lion King...love so many of those characters. Hercules..."someone call IXII!". Let's not forget Aladin, A Goofy Movie (Jon's favorite), The Santa Clause, all the Toy Story movies, The Incredibles and of course Colby's favorite Cars.
Feel good movies with a moral to the story and good things to say. I will also say that there are a lot of people that have gone to see movies like Scream, 300, Halloween and Natural Born Killers but I think Disney has a bigger more devoted following. I have yet to meet someone that doesn't like at least some of the Disney movies. They're just too good not to.
Like I said before my favorite is Beauty and the Beast. It was the first time I saw it and it continues to be. I love the setting, love the characters, love the story line. The music is catchy, Belle and Beast are fun to watch and no one can watch without loving Gastons little chubby sidekick.
Disney has done such a great job of giving us awesome movies for our kids to watch. Thank you Disney, and please keep it up. I hope for new movies to enjoy for years to come.
Disney. I don't care what some people say about "damsels in distress" and weird phallic symbols. They have entertained us and our children for years with shows that contain music instead of bad language. Vibrant scenery instead horrible bloody violence. Good characters with good lives instead of drugs, sex and whatever else the movie industry is trying to put into our heads. I love Disney.
My favorite was The Little Mermaid until Beauty and the Beast came out. But there are others. The Lion King...love so many of those characters. Hercules..."someone call IXII!". Let's not forget Aladin, A Goofy Movie (Jon's favorite), The Santa Clause, all the Toy Story movies, The Incredibles and of course Colby's favorite Cars.
Feel good movies with a moral to the story and good things to say. I will also say that there are a lot of people that have gone to see movies like Scream, 300, Halloween and Natural Born Killers but I think Disney has a bigger more devoted following. I have yet to meet someone that doesn't like at least some of the Disney movies. They're just too good not to.
Like I said before my favorite is Beauty and the Beast. It was the first time I saw it and it continues to be. I love the setting, love the characters, love the story line. The music is catchy, Belle and Beast are fun to watch and no one can watch without loving Gastons little chubby sidekick.
Disney has done such a great job of giving us awesome movies for our kids to watch. Thank you Disney, and please keep it up. I hope for new movies to enjoy for years to come.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
New beginnings
This has been a hard year, one of the hardest that I can remember. We have lost four babies this year and that alone has been horrible. But there have been other things too, stresses with finances, stresses with child rearing and all those little things on a day to day basis that make life so difficult. We can all relate to what I am saying. Our stresses may come from different places, but we all have them. My life is no different.
This last month I will admit was the worst. After losing little baby David at the beginning of the month my life felt like it was in a tailspin. I am pretty sure it was. No more though. Jon and I have started to make plans. We are looking forward to new things, hope in new ideas and we are working together for the first time in a long time. It feels good. I have missed my partner, we have spent too many days thinking about our future, but not thinking about it together. I have a renewed sense of where I am going and what I am doing. I don't necessarily think that means we are moving, giving up our friends or family. I sadly think it means we have hit rock bottom with just about everything in our lives and now we are moving upwards. I am happy to say though that we have decided to move upwards together.
I like that feeling. I know there will be hard days still, but for the first time in a long time I feel good about what were talking about and where we are going. It feels good.
This last month I will admit was the worst. After losing little baby David at the beginning of the month my life felt like it was in a tailspin. I am pretty sure it was. No more though. Jon and I have started to make plans. We are looking forward to new things, hope in new ideas and we are working together for the first time in a long time. It feels good. I have missed my partner, we have spent too many days thinking about our future, but not thinking about it together. I have a renewed sense of where I am going and what I am doing. I don't necessarily think that means we are moving, giving up our friends or family. I sadly think it means we have hit rock bottom with just about everything in our lives and now we are moving upwards. I am happy to say though that we have decided to move upwards together.
I like that feeling. I know there will be hard days still, but for the first time in a long time I feel good about what were talking about and where we are going. It feels good.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Abby
Last but certainly not least. I think I left her to last just because her blog will be so easy to write. Sunshine. That's what Abby reminds me of, that's what she has always reminded me of. From the very first time she smiled at me to this very day when she smiles it's like looking into the bright sun after a long dark night. It's warm, comforting and uplifting. I love this child.
Abby is the epitome of love, selflessness and kindness. She wants everyone to feel loved and happily gives it to anyone and everyone around her. I watch her with her friends, siblings and even my friends and there it is. Her smile, her love and her acceptance. Last summer Jon and I took the kids to Las Vegas for the first time as a family. My sisters had only met Kenna, Megan and Joe up to that point and I decided that those days were over. They needed to meet all of my children and I wanted my kids to meet their Aunts, Uncles and cousins. This meeting went really well, so well in fact that I don't even recall the details of the first time they met each other. I think we all just sort of blended together like we had spent every Sunday together for years. We meshed and beautifully so. But non more so than Abby. She just fit right in. It was and has remained easy for the words "Aunt Lisa, Lori and Tracy" to flow from her mouth, and she doesn't even have to try. I think my sisters kind of like it too...
She is smart, sharp as a whip and quick on her feet. She loves to help, most days, and is quick to jump in with a little one when I need her help. Now, she does have her imperfections, just like the rest of us, but what makes her so amazing is that after a good tantrum, a good crying spell or a major fit her smile wipes everything else away and she is back. Right where her soul is comfy...with happiness, and contentment.
I love Abby and her role in this family is apparent. She will be the glue that will hold the kids together long after Jon and I are gone. I don't think this is a role that I have imposed on her, it's just natural for her to be this way. She is now, and will be forever. All of my kids have a place in this family, they all fit in in some way or another. I can see what that is for some of them, and with some of them I think their role has yet to be revealed. Abby's is clear.
Last week she received the award at school for becoming a better student and citizen. Her principal read what her teacher nominated her for and the words "She is a born leader in the classroom" did not surprise me. She is a born leader no matter where she is. Home, school and church. She is a shining star and fits so comfortably in that role. She is my sun. My sun on a cloudy day, when my own problems are too big for me, she can make me feel better with her warm hug and soft words. I love you Abby. You amaze me...
Abby is the epitome of love, selflessness and kindness. She wants everyone to feel loved and happily gives it to anyone and everyone around her. I watch her with her friends, siblings and even my friends and there it is. Her smile, her love and her acceptance. Last summer Jon and I took the kids to Las Vegas for the first time as a family. My sisters had only met Kenna, Megan and Joe up to that point and I decided that those days were over. They needed to meet all of my children and I wanted my kids to meet their Aunts, Uncles and cousins. This meeting went really well, so well in fact that I don't even recall the details of the first time they met each other. I think we all just sort of blended together like we had spent every Sunday together for years. We meshed and beautifully so. But non more so than Abby. She just fit right in. It was and has remained easy for the words "Aunt Lisa, Lori and Tracy" to flow from her mouth, and she doesn't even have to try. I think my sisters kind of like it too...
She is smart, sharp as a whip and quick on her feet. She loves to help, most days, and is quick to jump in with a little one when I need her help. Now, she does have her imperfections, just like the rest of us, but what makes her so amazing is that after a good tantrum, a good crying spell or a major fit her smile wipes everything else away and she is back. Right where her soul is comfy...with happiness, and contentment.
I love Abby and her role in this family is apparent. She will be the glue that will hold the kids together long after Jon and I are gone. I don't think this is a role that I have imposed on her, it's just natural for her to be this way. She is now, and will be forever. All of my kids have a place in this family, they all fit in in some way or another. I can see what that is for some of them, and with some of them I think their role has yet to be revealed. Abby's is clear.
Last week she received the award at school for becoming a better student and citizen. Her principal read what her teacher nominated her for and the words "She is a born leader in the classroom" did not surprise me. She is a born leader no matter where she is. Home, school and church. She is a shining star and fits so comfortably in that role. She is my sun. My sun on a cloudy day, when my own problems are too big for me, she can make me feel better with her warm hug and soft words. I love you Abby. You amaze me...
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Colby
Colby. My boy through and through. He is more boy than all four of the other boys in my household put together, and yes I include Jon on that one. You would think that Colby was born with a truck in one hand, a transformer in the other and spiderman jammies on. Everything and anything to do with superheros, legos and cars and trucks is the first love of his life. He will wrestle with the best of them, he has a temper and is so quick to forgive. Sounds like a typical man to me.
When he was born I was so excited, not only to meet him and to not be pregnant anymore but he was my first baby to be born with an actual full head of hair. I know I spent at least two weeks admiring his beautiful jet black thick locks and to this day when I see the picture of him right after he was born I get that sweet pang of awe and love. His entrance into this world has marked 4 years of the most fun I have had with parenting to this point. I am also going completely broke trying to parent this child.
For some reason when he came into my life I became the biggest marshmallow. This sweet boy can get whatever he wants from me, without much effort. I have come to the point where I cannot take him to a store, any store because I know I will end up buying him something. He looks up at me with those huge hazel eyes and that sweet little voice and I am gone. I have resorted to sneaking out of the house without him, or telling him a flat out lie to get out of taking him with me anywhere. He gets to me like non other can.
He is also my mini me when it comes to socializing. He loves other kids and if given the chance he will spend hours with them. For instance, Polly's son Ian. Ian is Joey's age and they play together a lot. But Ian can play for hours and hours, day after day and never tire of it. Joe has days where he just wants to play alone, or stay home and doesn't want to play, but this does not deter Ian. He will just putter around my house looking for other takers on the play thing and he always finds it in Colby. This has become a bit of a problem because Ian doesn't understand that Colby isn't the same age as him and can't be running around the neighborhood on his bike alone, without someone else with him. Colby thinks it's great that he has a friend and he will follow said friend to the ends of the earth. He has played with Ian, Brad, everyone of the McCraes and even a few kids that remain nameless to me. He also has those friends here in my own home. He plays with anyone that will give him the time of day and when it comes to someone being mean to him he is quick to forgive so that they will play with him again. I wish that my kids understood how sweet this boy is and treated him accordingly. He will play till he drops and forgive easily so that the playing will never end.
I don't know what this boys future holds, but I know he will always be there for me. I know he will always be there for his siblings. His love is too strong, his demeanor is too amiable and he is too kind not to. He won't hold grudges and will love you to the end. Aside from that who knows? He is after all only four years old, but I know a good heart when I see it, and this child has a heart of gold.
When he was born I was so excited, not only to meet him and to not be pregnant anymore but he was my first baby to be born with an actual full head of hair. I know I spent at least two weeks admiring his beautiful jet black thick locks and to this day when I see the picture of him right after he was born I get that sweet pang of awe and love. His entrance into this world has marked 4 years of the most fun I have had with parenting to this point. I am also going completely broke trying to parent this child.
For some reason when he came into my life I became the biggest marshmallow. This sweet boy can get whatever he wants from me, without much effort. I have come to the point where I cannot take him to a store, any store because I know I will end up buying him something. He looks up at me with those huge hazel eyes and that sweet little voice and I am gone. I have resorted to sneaking out of the house without him, or telling him a flat out lie to get out of taking him with me anywhere. He gets to me like non other can.
He is also my mini me when it comes to socializing. He loves other kids and if given the chance he will spend hours with them. For instance, Polly's son Ian. Ian is Joey's age and they play together a lot. But Ian can play for hours and hours, day after day and never tire of it. Joe has days where he just wants to play alone, or stay home and doesn't want to play, but this does not deter Ian. He will just putter around my house looking for other takers on the play thing and he always finds it in Colby. This has become a bit of a problem because Ian doesn't understand that Colby isn't the same age as him and can't be running around the neighborhood on his bike alone, without someone else with him. Colby thinks it's great that he has a friend and he will follow said friend to the ends of the earth. He has played with Ian, Brad, everyone of the McCraes and even a few kids that remain nameless to me. He also has those friends here in my own home. He plays with anyone that will give him the time of day and when it comes to someone being mean to him he is quick to forgive so that they will play with him again. I wish that my kids understood how sweet this boy is and treated him accordingly. He will play till he drops and forgive easily so that the playing will never end.
I don't know what this boys future holds, but I know he will always be there for me. I know he will always be there for his siblings. His love is too strong, his demeanor is too amiable and he is too kind not to. He won't hold grudges and will love you to the end. Aside from that who knows? He is after all only four years old, but I know a good heart when I see it, and this child has a heart of gold.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Jessi
December 3rd is the day that this child barged her way into this world. I say barged because despite the soft blond hair and sweet smile this child is full of life and energy. She can take the sanest man and turn him insane and the craziest man and make him laugh. She is wonderful, and most people who get the chance to know her love her, and her awesome sense of humor.
As an infant she was quiet, happy and didn't give off too much personality. As she got older though that personality really began to shine. As a family we have all gotten more than one laugh from this child. It was a year or so ago that she began to reenact her favorite Tom and Jerry episodes, in detail and we would all be laughing on the floor. Not because of the content of her act, but because of her. She is so funny. My friends Angie and Michelle often get a good dose of Jessi. When I have had a baby, or been in the hospital with a child, she likes to go to their houses. They have lots of little ones themselves and she fits right in. Her humor and her comments often have them in stitches and when I get home from where I have been I usually get a great story from them about her.
I think all of this comes from a trait she might have gotten from me, my theatrical side. I loved drama in high school, went to Snow College on a theatre scholarship and to this day love it all. She is my ham. I think she might actually want to go into theater someday, which pleases me highly. Her imagination is strong, her sense of humor is abundant and her wit is sharp. But don't forget I mentioned she can make a sane man go mad. Colby, getting beaten by her for some reason (one that surely made sense to her) came running into our room crying and sobbing his story to us. From the other room we heard Jessi. I guess she didn't feel that this situation warranted her showing her face to us, she simply yelled loudly from the other room "I told him sorry like a billion times!" She emphasized the billion so strongly that I thought she sincerely thought it was a billion times. Then there's Lacie. Lacie gets the privilege of sharing a room with Jessi. Most of the time this would be uneventful, but there are times. Just the other night I heard the familiar screaming from the basement. Lacie was having a cow over something. Jon came upstairs flustered and upset and said that Lacie was praying for horrible things. Now, to this moment I do not know what Jessi was saying or doing to push Lacie to this point, but Jon had gone downstairs to break up an argument to find Lacie deep in prayer asking Heavenly Father to let Jessi "die". Jon got upset with Lacie for praying like that and Lacie ended up in tears. I can only imagine Jessi quietly gloating on the top bunk. Not only did she get Lacie that upset, but then Lacie got in trouble to boot. Little stinker....
Jessi is full of life, with a strong spirit and an open mouth. I have found after blogging about my kids that they all have that open mouth syndrome. I can only assume it comes from me. I am more or less honest and I speak my mind. Most of my kids are the same way. We all could use a bit of filtering though. But from someone as young as Jessi most of the time what comes out of that mouth is cute or just dang funny.
She is my cutie, and I love to watch her play. She is bright and happy and currently is in love with her chipmunks. She takes them everywhere with her, including school and her and her best friend Ayden McCrae often talk on the phone about them. Too cute, Jessi and Ayden, two little five yr olds talking on the phone forever about their toys. I can't imagine my life without this kid, she makes everything seem a bit brighter.
As an infant she was quiet, happy and didn't give off too much personality. As she got older though that personality really began to shine. As a family we have all gotten more than one laugh from this child. It was a year or so ago that she began to reenact her favorite Tom and Jerry episodes, in detail and we would all be laughing on the floor. Not because of the content of her act, but because of her. She is so funny. My friends Angie and Michelle often get a good dose of Jessi. When I have had a baby, or been in the hospital with a child, she likes to go to their houses. They have lots of little ones themselves and she fits right in. Her humor and her comments often have them in stitches and when I get home from where I have been I usually get a great story from them about her.
I think all of this comes from a trait she might have gotten from me, my theatrical side. I loved drama in high school, went to Snow College on a theatre scholarship and to this day love it all. She is my ham. I think she might actually want to go into theater someday, which pleases me highly. Her imagination is strong, her sense of humor is abundant and her wit is sharp. But don't forget I mentioned she can make a sane man go mad. Colby, getting beaten by her for some reason (one that surely made sense to her) came running into our room crying and sobbing his story to us. From the other room we heard Jessi. I guess she didn't feel that this situation warranted her showing her face to us, she simply yelled loudly from the other room "I told him sorry like a billion times!" She emphasized the billion so strongly that I thought she sincerely thought it was a billion times. Then there's Lacie. Lacie gets the privilege of sharing a room with Jessi. Most of the time this would be uneventful, but there are times. Just the other night I heard the familiar screaming from the basement. Lacie was having a cow over something. Jon came upstairs flustered and upset and said that Lacie was praying for horrible things. Now, to this moment I do not know what Jessi was saying or doing to push Lacie to this point, but Jon had gone downstairs to break up an argument to find Lacie deep in prayer asking Heavenly Father to let Jessi "die". Jon got upset with Lacie for praying like that and Lacie ended up in tears. I can only imagine Jessi quietly gloating on the top bunk. Not only did she get Lacie that upset, but then Lacie got in trouble to boot. Little stinker....
Jessi is full of life, with a strong spirit and an open mouth. I have found after blogging about my kids that they all have that open mouth syndrome. I can only assume it comes from me. I am more or less honest and I speak my mind. Most of my kids are the same way. We all could use a bit of filtering though. But from someone as young as Jessi most of the time what comes out of that mouth is cute or just dang funny.
She is my cutie, and I love to watch her play. She is bright and happy and currently is in love with her chipmunks. She takes them everywhere with her, including school and her and her best friend Ayden McCrae often talk on the phone about them. Too cute, Jessi and Ayden, two little five yr olds talking on the phone forever about their toys. I can't imagine my life without this kid, she makes everything seem a bit brighter.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Isaac
My first born boy. I can say that when I was pregnant with him I felt like he was going to be a boy. I just knew. After two girls I admit I was so excited. I bought blue and red clothes, I bought trains and cars and poured through baby boy names. It was so fun. I still remember how I felt during that time and how happy I was.
His entrance into this world marked some changes. He was born just weeks after Megan was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember how worried I was that things weren't going to go well with whoever had Megan while we were gone and it was overshadowing the birth a bit. We also were living in a two bedroom house that really couldn't fit another person, although we made it work somehow. We put Isaac's crib in the living room and tried to make do. Luckily he wasn't the best sleeper and so he was always the first one up in the morning.
He was such a cute baby. He seriously looked like a little elf. I have a friend who was taking an art class when he was young and they wanted to use him as their model. I have the painting she did in my closet and I have to admit it's the cutest thing ever. He had a round (still has) basketball head and soft blond hair. Big blue eyes and a cute full pink lips put the punctuation on this cute little boy and everyone loved him.
He really didn't love everyone else though. He cried if anyone tried to hold him other than me, and I mean anyone! Even Jon was considered the enemy and it wasn't until Isaac was about 18 months old that he would let Jon hold him and love him. Stubborn kiddo is putting it mildly, but a huge heart he has.
One day when he was just two years old he displayed the sweetest behavior. The kids were in the backyard playing when Isaac bent down, plucked a few petunias and brought them to me. "I wuv you mommy" was all he had to say before I teared up. He was my baby boy and he loved me. He loved his mommy. To this day if I am crying or upset he struggles with it. He hugs me, loves me and takes care of me. He can't stand to see me upset. Boys are strong, they don't cry and they will fight to the death, but they are also blessed with such a sweet sensitivity to the women in their lives. I have seen it with dads and their daughters and husbands with their wives, but it's been so wonderful to experience it son to mother.
Isaac is smart, rowdy, a huge tease to his sisters and tends to get upset easily when he can't solve a problem, and I love him for every one of these traits. He tortures his sisters, rough houses with his brothers and takes care of me when Jon is out of town. I don't know what I would do without my football partner on Sunday afternoons. Jon said it once and it stands true, I hold a special little place in my heart for my firstborn son.
His entrance into this world marked some changes. He was born just weeks after Megan was diagnosed with diabetes. I remember how worried I was that things weren't going to go well with whoever had Megan while we were gone and it was overshadowing the birth a bit. We also were living in a two bedroom house that really couldn't fit another person, although we made it work somehow. We put Isaac's crib in the living room and tried to make do. Luckily he wasn't the best sleeper and so he was always the first one up in the morning.
He was such a cute baby. He seriously looked like a little elf. I have a friend who was taking an art class when he was young and they wanted to use him as their model. I have the painting she did in my closet and I have to admit it's the cutest thing ever. He had a round (still has) basketball head and soft blond hair. Big blue eyes and a cute full pink lips put the punctuation on this cute little boy and everyone loved him.
He really didn't love everyone else though. He cried if anyone tried to hold him other than me, and I mean anyone! Even Jon was considered the enemy and it wasn't until Isaac was about 18 months old that he would let Jon hold him and love him. Stubborn kiddo is putting it mildly, but a huge heart he has.
One day when he was just two years old he displayed the sweetest behavior. The kids were in the backyard playing when Isaac bent down, plucked a few petunias and brought them to me. "I wuv you mommy" was all he had to say before I teared up. He was my baby boy and he loved me. He loved his mommy. To this day if I am crying or upset he struggles with it. He hugs me, loves me and takes care of me. He can't stand to see me upset. Boys are strong, they don't cry and they will fight to the death, but they are also blessed with such a sweet sensitivity to the women in their lives. I have seen it with dads and their daughters and husbands with their wives, but it's been so wonderful to experience it son to mother.
Isaac is smart, rowdy, a huge tease to his sisters and tends to get upset easily when he can't solve a problem, and I love him for every one of these traits. He tortures his sisters, rough houses with his brothers and takes care of me when Jon is out of town. I don't know what I would do without my football partner on Sunday afternoons. Jon said it once and it stands true, I hold a special little place in my heart for my firstborn son.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Lacie
Little Lacie Whowho. This kiddo was aptly nicknamed after a Dr Suess character, Little Cindy Lou Who. She is cute, but smart. Honest but kind. We all still call her "whowho" and she happily answers to it.
Lacie is always on the move, I have never met a child that is in constant motion like she is. Even sound asleep in bed she is tapping her foot, or shaking her hands. Most would say it's ADD, but I just think it's her. Maybe it's a bit of both. When she was barely old enough to walk she would open the front door and escape. She wanted to be out, where she could run and play and explore. I was pregnant with Joe by the time she was only a sweet 7 months old, so I was constantly *trying* to chase this kid down, baby in utero and all. It wasn't long before we put latches on all the doors, that to this day we refer to as "Lacie Latches".
She is loud, but fun. When she was born the doc said, almost yelling "I have heard them cry longer, but never louder!" I love this about this kid. Yes, I love it. She has a love of life that you can hear in her voice, and everyone around her can hear. When she really gets going everyone within a mile can hear her.
But I think there are two things that I love most about this child. Number one would have to be her keen sensitivity of the spirit. She reminds us constantly to say our prayers, family prayer and to read our scriptures. My nine year old is better about these things than I am. She makes mistakes, but for her it's out of pure innocence. She tries so hard, and you can tell when you sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She wants to do the right thing.
The other thing I love about her is her sharp wit. She has a mouth on her and she's not afraid to use it. She will give you a piece of her mind, but it's usually in the form of sarcasm, and I have to admit I love it. One day when I was very pregnant with Colby I was having a conversation with her. She turned to walk away from me and I took note to how skinny she was from the backside. As she walked away I said "Ok, well see you later little skinny minnie"....her response? "Ok then old fat lady".....and I laughed hard. She cracks me up, daily.
Lacie is fun, energetic and always has someone to be with, or somewhere to go. She is full of life and has yet to see the bad things life has to offer. I think somehow though that when life really does start to throw her curve balls, she will dodge them with a smile and brush her self off like a champ when she does get hit. She is just like that. My kids are like the Sun, the Moon and Stars to me....where does Lacie fit in? The beautiful water fall that turns into a clear, rushing perfect stream....
Lacie is always on the move, I have never met a child that is in constant motion like she is. Even sound asleep in bed she is tapping her foot, or shaking her hands. Most would say it's ADD, but I just think it's her. Maybe it's a bit of both. When she was barely old enough to walk she would open the front door and escape. She wanted to be out, where she could run and play and explore. I was pregnant with Joe by the time she was only a sweet 7 months old, so I was constantly *trying* to chase this kid down, baby in utero and all. It wasn't long before we put latches on all the doors, that to this day we refer to as "Lacie Latches".
She is loud, but fun. When she was born the doc said, almost yelling "I have heard them cry longer, but never louder!" I love this about this kid. Yes, I love it. She has a love of life that you can hear in her voice, and everyone around her can hear. When she really gets going everyone within a mile can hear her.
But I think there are two things that I love most about this child. Number one would have to be her keen sensitivity of the spirit. She reminds us constantly to say our prayers, family prayer and to read our scriptures. My nine year old is better about these things than I am. She makes mistakes, but for her it's out of pure innocence. She tries so hard, and you can tell when you sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She wants to do the right thing.
The other thing I love about her is her sharp wit. She has a mouth on her and she's not afraid to use it. She will give you a piece of her mind, but it's usually in the form of sarcasm, and I have to admit I love it. One day when I was very pregnant with Colby I was having a conversation with her. She turned to walk away from me and I took note to how skinny she was from the backside. As she walked away I said "Ok, well see you later little skinny minnie"....her response? "Ok then old fat lady".....and I laughed hard. She cracks me up, daily.
Lacie is fun, energetic and always has someone to be with, or somewhere to go. She is full of life and has yet to see the bad things life has to offer. I think somehow though that when life really does start to throw her curve balls, she will dodge them with a smile and brush her self off like a champ when she does get hit. She is just like that. My kids are like the Sun, the Moon and Stars to me....where does Lacie fit in? The beautiful water fall that turns into a clear, rushing perfect stream....
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